Imperfect Moms Are The Best…

 Been thinking a lot about my mom. I think with Mother’s Day coming up, it is a natural occurrence. 

It was easy to point out her flaws, to get angry and frustrated with her. Deep down, I knew she would always love me but as a teen, I wanted to push that boundary.

I wish I could apologize now that I see her in a different light. She was simply an imperfect human. Imperfect mom. Imperfect wife. But who isn’t? She dealt with some issues that a wife and mother shouldn’t have had to, my brothers gave her a run for her money in different times of their lives, as well.  

Outside of abuse or neglect, if someone judges you as an imperfect mom, they just haven’t gotten “it” yet. I think it takes a certain maturity to have that lightbulb moment. 

Growing up until 6th grade, mom was an alcoholic. She got sober December 5, 1975 by entering a rehab for 30 days. However, she was a loving caring mom in spite of her flaws. My teen years were my fault, my choices and her flawed mothering was justified and not her fault.

I was her only daughter. That has really hit me recently. She really wanted to teach me things when I was little, like sewing, gardening and cooking. I never wanted to do those things except help in the kitchen sometimes. How sad she must have felt, that I turned away almost every chance she gave me. We did do some things and had fun family times so I don’t mean to make it sound all terrible. 

As an adult, we did have a good relationship. She could be frustratingly selfish, mean, rude and embarrassing. We had some struggles but she was always there for me when it counted the most.

By the time I realized it was because she was simply an imperfect human and just was working with what she knew, it was too late. 

I can say, as an adult, I was a good daughter. I checked on her almost every day by phone and when she moved here, I took it as an opportunity to show her how much I loved her by my actions. Verbally comes easily, it’s the actions of a child towards their parent, that makes amends. If life goes according to the “natural plan” (which it did in my case) your mom goes before you. At that point, there isn’t a way to work on issues or apologize for anything you have done or to help her be a better person. 

My daughters are quick to point out my flaws. They let me know when I’ve screwed up. Sometimes in a healthy way and sometimes not, but they are as imperfect as I am. 

I’ve told my daughters this is my year of self awareness and I’m really trying to change behaviors that are unhealthy, to try to not do the things they deem are not good for my relationships, including theirs. 

It was hard letting go, as a mom, when they became adults. I’ve come a long way but I have more room to grow. 

My youngest daughter and I have 2 boundaries set up. One is if I go to make something about me, she will say “We aren’t on Sandi FM right now” and it makes me realize what I’m doing and stop. The other is, and this is harder, to not give advice unless she asks. Melissa will say “ I have a life question” that lets me know it’s ok to give advice. I’m one to give advice to anyone who I think might want it. I have come to realize, not everyone does. But it’s so naturally ingrained in me, like it’s part of my DNA, that what it takes to stop giving unsolicited advice is very hard work. I’m learning but again, I’m imperfect. 

My oldest daughter and I have agreed not to have serious conversations in text. Recently, it was probably our 5th time declaring that but we are imperfect. What can I say? I’m a work in progress for my entire life but aren’t we all?

So, if you’re a mom or daughter and you beat yourself, or your mom, up in your thoughts.  Just remember, it is y’all’s  imperfections and that’s ok because you are human and nobody, NOBODY, is perfect. 

If you’re lucky enough to have your mom still with you, cherish those moments. You won’t have the regrets of doing so but you might have regrets of not doing it. 

My mom is/was my mom no matter what and I loved her so very much!!! She was a tough old bird and was as sweet as she was frustrating and I wouldn’t have had her any other way.💖💖💖

Happy Mother’s Day!

Forgiveness Ain’t Easy Peasy

 Reposted from an old blog. 

This is something I can struggle with but only with certain people. Forgiveness. We hear about it a lot in church, read about it in the bible, talk to friends. Yet it seems to be a tough thing for a lot of us to do why is that do you think? Just being human? 

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another,forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
It can't be any clearer can it? I can forgive someone who has done something wrong to me once maybe twice. I have forgiven big and small things. HUGE things throughout my life-abuse,abandonment,betrayal. Small things such as yelling at me when it wasn't my fault,"white lies"etc. 

Yet there are a couple of people in my life that I really really struggle forgiving and here is the kink in the armor-they have not only hurt me but people in my family. That is what I think it comes down, mess with my family- you mess with me. I am very protective of my family it is just a trait I have, my daughters call me "Momma Dukes" when it starts to come out if I am ranting about someone doing them wrong. "Don't make me do a Momma Dukes on them" I'll say(whatever THAT means! LOL) A parent can relate that feeling. But who is really the true protector of my family?
God has forgiven us, I mean Jesus Christ shed His blood for us-so we can be forgiven-can't we shed a few tears towards forgiveness to others? I for one, am really going to work towards it.The bible teaches us to forgive readily and freely. Many times people do things even they don't understand themselves but there is always a reason why people behave the way they do. The same is with us believers, God in Christ forgives our wrongdoings even when we don't know why we did what we did.
Unforgiveness definitely gives Satan the opportunity to taking advantage of us. Unforgiveness leads to a bitterness that will poison us. It will take root until it grows into our attitude,personality, behavior, perspective and even relationships-including our relationship with God.
So as I grow closer to God, walk my walk better- I think forgiveness is in order and what I to remember is FORGAVE-- FOR God GAVE us His one and only Son.

Just breathe....

 Reposted from old blog: from December 2019

Today marks the one year anniversary of my lumpectomy surgery. A year ago, all I was facing was this surgery and some radiation.

Boy that was far from the truth.

A year ago I hadn't been able to catch my breath from my mom passing, my sweet cousin, Judy, passing, my dog having to be put to sleep and the news that I had a half brother I didn't know about. And I still haven't been able to grieve and breathe.

I have been on auto pilot and still am. What happens to me when I am finished with my treatments? Will my grief tumble over me like an ocean wave? Or will I not need to even step into the water? I don't feel like myself prior to diagnosis yet my core is still the same. I already feel kind of lost. 

People think it is all over when you are finished. That you can just get back to "normal". But this is the farthest thing from the truth. I will be on pills for 5 years. I am already looking at a CATScan in March. Side effects from chemo still linger. My toes cramp, My big toenails are sensitive, my hair is slowly coming in, I still have 

A Tired But Short Ramble....Like Me!

In the middle of the night the other night, I am looking up stages of breast cancer because,honestly, I couldn't remember if I had stage 2 or 3. (Chemo brain is W E I R D) Like how does someone not remember that tidbit.

I figure it out and it hits me. It was not stage 1 but stage 2B, if I have that figured right. 

I have to let it sink in. 

I look back and realize that for the last 2 years when I was battling exhaustion, body aches, and not feeling normal, odds are it was the cancer and not the diagnosis I received of incomplete lupus. This is just my guess, of course. But the cancer was there being sneaky and growing.

How could I have not gone for a mammogram in 2018? Ugh, don't miss yours!

Anyway, here I am- a warrior doing my thing and getting through it all. 

Mentally, I am probably where the rest of you are with life right now- over it! I am jealous of people who can go live their lives without a care, honestly. I wonder when the day will come that I can do that and it sure doesn't feel like it'll be in 2020. Sighhh

Mentally, I also have had to come to terms with certain family and friends that have not even reached out to me just to check on me. Or to tell me they are thinking of me. Not once. These are relationships that I need to exam when I have the energy to do so. One family member, supposedly, wants to heal our relationship from years prior and yet can't even send a text?  It is interesting to me that this is a common occurrence with people going through cancer. Some have their spouse or best friend just disappear! I just can't comprehend it.

I am so super grateful for my friends and family who have been there to cheer me on and support me when I can't stand alone.

I have days where I am ok mentally and physically and other days I am so exhausted that I spend more time in bed than out.

I am a big proponent of therapy but right now, I can't go into an office to visit a therapist so all of you get to be it. Yay for you!!😆

I haven't figured out what my purpose will be when this is over. But there is one!

I don't have anything else to ramble on about, sorry if this is the same old same old.

Maybe the next blog post, life will have something different for me to share! 😆

All I have is time on my hands....

My mom would look at her watch a lot. When I say a lot I mean A LOT, like every 6 to 15 minutes. I always wondered  what she is thinking when she does that- I wanted to say to her, hasn't enough time gone by in your life that you don't need to keep watching it go by? I think she just had such a schedule and never wanted to be late anywhere that she was always checking. By doing that though, she was missing out on the present because she was always worried about what is coming up. I think many of us do that but we don't look at our watch constantly. How many times do you look at the clock while at work just in hopes that time has flown by so quitting time is close? What about the old saying-can't wait til the weekend! Why can't you wait? You never know what God has in store for you in between Wednesday and Friday! You may face a terrible trial on Saturday that you wish you could have turned back the clock to Tuesday! We are always rushing through life but it isn't rushing through life to get to our final destination-it is rushing towards whatever we think will be better then what we are going through at that moment. Sure, it is nice to have something to look forward to-like the weekend off or an upcoming event- but don't miss the opportunities prior to that in which you might be a blessing to someone. God might put someone in your life that you are meant to witness to or meant to even just give them a smile and friendly "Hello". God wants us to take our time, enjoy everything He has given us on earth to enjoy, so many things to look at,smell,taste and hear. So I hope the next time you are rushing through your week you will slow down and really take a good look at what you might be missing!
Here are some scriptures I found regarding time:
Ecc 3:1-8
1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
COL 4:5
5 Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity

Open Letter To My Husband

Honey, I am not sure there are enough words to express my gratitude towards you for these last several weeks.

Before I do, and before people who know you think I’m putting you on a pedestal, I have to acknowledge that you can still drive me crazy with your right fighting, strong opinions and road rage. Just like I can drive you crazy with my many many flaws.❤️

But enough of that.

Unfortunately, there have been a few tragic events in my life the last several years that you have already proven to me that you are my rock. You never waiver from being there for me.

But. This. This cancer diagnosis, surgery and all that has come with it is.... well, it’s a lot. Like a lot lot.

 It’s the sickness and in health part of our vows.

You have had to stretch yourself and get out of your comfort zone for all of it.

You have made sure all of my needs and wants have been taken care of and you do it with humor and grace. Anyone who cares about me, should be thankful that I have you as my husband. You have not let me down one time during all of this mess. You have let me cry, yell, have crazy thoughts, and laugh.

This has been a humbling and humiliating experience. Just to be 100% exposed to you and my entire medical team. Time and time again.

And it isn’t over yet.

We have even a harder battle ahead. It’s one I so wish I could, we could, avoid. But we can’t. So we march forward in this weird turn of events and we will get through it all.


And we will be stronger together.

Obviously, we have had friends, family and even strangers help pitch in and without them this would have been even harder on you. We are so blessed between them and your work, it makes me sad for those going along this same journey who don’t have all of this support.

No matter what lays ahead, I am truly blessed to have you by my side every step of the way.

I love you still. And forever.

💗💗💗💗


P.S. When these hormone blocking pills make me a raging maniac, please don’t take anything personal and show me this letter to you. 5 years and counting.😝😂

Just a ramble....

We had family here for Thanksgiving week  and I was able, for the most part, to forget about my cancer diagnosis.
Then Tuesday came. I got a call to remind me of my radiation oncologist appointment, my breast surgeon called to discuss more pathology reports to tell me what the tumor board discussed and ask how I was on processing everything, American Cancer Society sent me some brochures. And just like that- back to reality.

I’m scared and I want this all to go away.

I want someone else to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and no one can but me.

I’m thankful it’s not worse.

I’m thankful for my team of doctors.

I hear words like oncologist and tumor board and my heart breaks all over again for what my cousin, Judy, went through. How scared and overwhelmed she must have been in the beginning. How I wish she was here now. I miss her so much. She faced a much worse cancer than I am dealing with and I feel humbled by her all over again.
I’m mad at myself for not being there more for Judy, for not giving her an opportunity to let her guard down and be more vulnerable with me.

I’m angry that I have 5 years of the unknown. Of the side effects that will occur from the treatments that lay ahead.

Tomorrow is the radiation oncologist appointment and I’ll know then if my decision will be made for me because I can’t have radiation or if I can then I do believe I know the route I’ll go.

I guess I’m just feeling angry.
Sad.
Grateful.
Overwhelmed.
Scared.

I’m a hot mess and that’s ok.