A Tired But Short Ramble....Like Me!

In the middle of the night the other night, I am looking up stages of breast cancer because,honestly, I couldn't remember if I had stage 2 or 3. (Chemo brain is W E I R D) Like how does someone not remember that tidbit.

I figure it out and it hits me. It was not stage 1 but stage 2B, if I have that figured right. 

I have to let it sink in. 

I look back and realize that for the last 2 years when I was battling exhaustion, body aches, and not feeling normal, odds are it was the cancer and not the diagnosis I received of incomplete lupus. This is just my guess, of course. But the cancer was there being sneaky and growing.

How could I have not gone for a mammogram in 2018? Ugh, don't miss yours!

Anyway, here I am- a warrior doing my thing and getting through it all. 

Mentally, I am probably where the rest of you are with life right now- over it! I am jealous of people who can go live their lives without a care, honestly. I wonder when the day will come that I can do that and it sure doesn't feel like it'll be in 2020. Sighhh

Mentally, I also have had to come to terms with certain family and friends that have not even reached out to me just to check on me. Or to tell me they are thinking of me. Not once. These are relationships that I need to exam when I have the energy to do so. One family member, supposedly, wants to heal our relationship from years prior and yet can't even send a text?  It is interesting to me that this is a common occurrence with people going through cancer. Some have their spouse or best friend just disappear! I just can't comprehend it.

I am so super grateful for my friends and family who have been there to cheer me on and support me when I can't stand alone.

I have days where I am ok mentally and physically and other days I am so exhausted that I spend more time in bed than out.

I am a big proponent of therapy but right now, I can't go into an office to visit a therapist so all of you get to be it. Yay for you!!😆

I haven't figured out what my purpose will be when this is over. But there is one!

I don't have anything else to ramble on about, sorry if this is the same old same old.

Maybe the next blog post, life will have something different for me to share! 😆

All I have is time on my hands....

My mom would look at her watch a lot. When I say a lot I mean A LOT, like every 6 to 15 minutes. I always wondered  what she is thinking when she does that- I wanted to say to her, hasn't enough time gone by in your life that you don't need to keep watching it go by? I think she just had such a schedule and never wanted to be late anywhere that she was always checking. By doing that though, she was missing out on the present because she was always worried about what is coming up. I think many of us do that but we don't look at our watch constantly. How many times do you look at the clock while at work just in hopes that time has flown by so quitting time is close? What about the old saying-can't wait til the weekend! Why can't you wait? You never know what God has in store for you in between Wednesday and Friday! You may face a terrible trial on Saturday that you wish you could have turned back the clock to Tuesday! We are always rushing through life but it isn't rushing through life to get to our final destination-it is rushing towards whatever we think will be better then what we are going through at that moment. Sure, it is nice to have something to look forward to-like the weekend off or an upcoming event- but don't miss the opportunities prior to that in which you might be a blessing to someone. God might put someone in your life that you are meant to witness to or meant to even just give them a smile and friendly "Hello". God wants us to take our time, enjoy everything He has given us on earth to enjoy, so many things to look at,smell,taste and hear. So I hope the next time you are rushing through your week you will slow down and really take a good look at what you might be missing!
Here are some scriptures I found regarding time:
Ecc 3:1-8
1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
COL 4:5
5 Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity

Open Letter To My Husband

Honey, I am not sure there are enough words to express my gratitude towards you for these last several weeks.

Before I do, and before people who know you think I’m putting you on a pedestal, I have to acknowledge that you can still drive me crazy with your right fighting, strong opinions and road rage. Just like I can drive you crazy with my many many flaws.❤️

But enough of that.

Unfortunately, there have been a few tragic events in my life the last several years that you have already proven to me that you are my rock. You never waiver from being there for me.

But. This. This cancer diagnosis, surgery and all that has come with it is.... well, it’s a lot. Like a lot lot.

 It’s the sickness and in health part of our vows.

You have had to stretch yourself and get out of your comfort zone for all of it.

You have made sure all of my needs and wants have been taken care of and you do it with humor and grace. Anyone who cares about me, should be thankful that I have you as my husband. You have not let me down one time during all of this mess. You have let me cry, yell, have crazy thoughts, and laugh.

This has been a humbling and humiliating experience. Just to be 100% exposed to you and my entire medical team. Time and time again.

And it isn’t over yet.

We have even a harder battle ahead. It’s one I so wish I could, we could, avoid. But we can’t. So we march forward in this weird turn of events and we will get through it all.


And we will be stronger together.

Obviously, we have had friends, family and even strangers help pitch in and without them this would have been even harder on you. We are so blessed between them and your work, it makes me sad for those going along this same journey who don’t have all of this support.

No matter what lays ahead, I am truly blessed to have you by my side every step of the way.

I love you still. And forever.

💗💗💗💗


P.S. When these hormone blocking pills make me a raging maniac, please don’t take anything personal and show me this letter to you. 5 years and counting.😝😂