Imperfect Moms Are The Best…

 Been thinking a lot about my mom. I think with Mother’s Day coming up, it is a natural occurrence. 

It was easy to point out her flaws, to get angry and frustrated with her. Deep down, I knew she would always love me but as a teen, I wanted to push that boundary.

I wish I could apologize now that I see her in a different light. She was simply an imperfect human. Imperfect mom. Imperfect wife. But who isn’t? She dealt with some issues that a wife and mother shouldn’t have had to, my brothers gave her a run for her money in different times of their lives, as well.  

Outside of abuse or neglect, if someone judges you as an imperfect mom, they just haven’t gotten “it” yet. I think it takes a certain maturity to have that lightbulb moment. 

Growing up until 6th grade, mom was an alcoholic. She got sober December 5, 1975 by entering a rehab for 30 days. However, she was a loving caring mom in spite of her flaws. My teen years were my fault, my choices and her flawed mothering was justified and not her fault.

I was her only daughter. That has really hit me recently. She really wanted to teach me things when I was little, like sewing, gardening and cooking. I never wanted to do those things except help in the kitchen sometimes. How sad she must have felt, that I turned away almost every chance she gave me. We did do some things and had fun family times so I don’t mean to make it sound all terrible. 

As an adult, we did have a good relationship. She could be frustratingly selfish, mean, rude and embarrassing. We had some struggles but she was always there for me when it counted the most.

By the time I realized it was because she was simply an imperfect human and just was working with what she knew, it was too late. 

I can say, as an adult, I was a good daughter. I checked on her almost every day by phone and when she moved here, I took it as an opportunity to show her how much I loved her by my actions. Verbally comes easily, it’s the actions of a child towards their parent, that makes amends. If life goes according to the “natural plan” (which it did in my case) your mom goes before you. At that point, there isn’t a way to work on issues or apologize for anything you have done or to help her be a better person. 

My daughters are quick to point out my flaws. They let me know when I’ve screwed up. Sometimes in a healthy way and sometimes not, but they are as imperfect as I am. 

I’ve told my daughters this is my year of self awareness and I’m really trying to change behaviors that are unhealthy, to try to not do the things they deem are not good for my relationships, including theirs. 

It was hard letting go, as a mom, when they became adults. I’ve come a long way but I have more room to grow. 

My youngest daughter and I have 2 boundaries set up. One is if I go to make something about me, she will say “We aren’t on Sandi FM right now” and it makes me realize what I’m doing and stop. The other is, and this is harder, to not give advice unless she asks. Melissa will say “ I have a life question” that lets me know it’s ok to give advice. I’m one to give advice to anyone who I think might want it. I have come to realize, not everyone does. But it’s so naturally ingrained in me, like it’s part of my DNA, that what it takes to stop giving unsolicited advice is very hard work. I’m learning but again, I’m imperfect. 

My oldest daughter and I have agreed not to have serious conversations in text. Recently, it was probably our 5th time declaring that but we are imperfect. What can I say? I’m a work in progress for my entire life but aren’t we all?

So, if you’re a mom or daughter and you beat yourself, or your mom, up in your thoughts.  Just remember, it is y’all’s  imperfections and that’s ok because you are human and nobody, NOBODY, is perfect. 

If you’re lucky enough to have your mom still with you, cherish those moments. You won’t have the regrets of doing so but you might have regrets of not doing it. 

My mom is/was my mom no matter what and I loved her so very much!!! She was a tough old bird and was as sweet as she was frustrating and I wouldn’t have had her any other way.💖💖💖

Happy Mother’s Day!

Forgiveness Ain’t Easy Peasy

 Reposted from an old blog. 

This is something I can struggle with but only with certain people. Forgiveness. We hear about it a lot in church, read about it in the bible, talk to friends. Yet it seems to be a tough thing for a lot of us to do why is that do you think? Just being human? 

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another,forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
It can't be any clearer can it? I can forgive someone who has done something wrong to me once maybe twice. I have forgiven big and small things. HUGE things throughout my life-abuse,abandonment,betrayal. Small things such as yelling at me when it wasn't my fault,"white lies"etc. 

Yet there are a couple of people in my life that I really really struggle forgiving and here is the kink in the armor-they have not only hurt me but people in my family. That is what I think it comes down, mess with my family- you mess with me. I am very protective of my family it is just a trait I have, my daughters call me "Momma Dukes" when it starts to come out if I am ranting about someone doing them wrong. "Don't make me do a Momma Dukes on them" I'll say(whatever THAT means! LOL) A parent can relate that feeling. But who is really the true protector of my family?
God has forgiven us, I mean Jesus Christ shed His blood for us-so we can be forgiven-can't we shed a few tears towards forgiveness to others? I for one, am really going to work towards it.The bible teaches us to forgive readily and freely. Many times people do things even they don't understand themselves but there is always a reason why people behave the way they do. The same is with us believers, God in Christ forgives our wrongdoings even when we don't know why we did what we did.
Unforgiveness definitely gives Satan the opportunity to taking advantage of us. Unforgiveness leads to a bitterness that will poison us. It will take root until it grows into our attitude,personality, behavior, perspective and even relationships-including our relationship with God.
So as I grow closer to God, walk my walk better- I think forgiveness is in order and what I to remember is FORGAVE-- FOR God GAVE us His one and only Son.

Just breathe....

 Reposted from old blog: from December 2019

Today marks the one year anniversary of my lumpectomy surgery. A year ago, all I was facing was this surgery and some radiation.

Boy that was far from the truth.

A year ago I hadn't been able to catch my breath from my mom passing, my sweet cousin, Judy, passing, my dog having to be put to sleep and the news that I had a half brother I didn't know about. And I still haven't been able to grieve and breathe.

I have been on auto pilot and still am. What happens to me when I am finished with my treatments? Will my grief tumble over me like an ocean wave? Or will I not need to even step into the water? I don't feel like myself prior to diagnosis yet my core is still the same. I already feel kind of lost. 

People think it is all over when you are finished. That you can just get back to "normal". But this is the farthest thing from the truth. I will be on pills for 5 years. I am already looking at a CATScan in March. Side effects from chemo still linger. My toes cramp, My big toenails are sensitive, my hair is slowly coming in, I still have 

A Tired But Short Ramble....Like Me!

In the middle of the night the other night, I am looking up stages of breast cancer because,honestly, I couldn't remember if I had stage 2 or 3. (Chemo brain is W E I R D) Like how does someone not remember that tidbit.

I figure it out and it hits me. It was not stage 1 but stage 2B, if I have that figured right. 

I have to let it sink in. 

I look back and realize that for the last 2 years when I was battling exhaustion, body aches, and not feeling normal, odds are it was the cancer and not the diagnosis I received of incomplete lupus. This is just my guess, of course. But the cancer was there being sneaky and growing.

How could I have not gone for a mammogram in 2018? Ugh, don't miss yours!

Anyway, here I am- a warrior doing my thing and getting through it all. 

Mentally, I am probably where the rest of you are with life right now- over it! I am jealous of people who can go live their lives without a care, honestly. I wonder when the day will come that I can do that and it sure doesn't feel like it'll be in 2020. Sighhh

Mentally, I also have had to come to terms with certain family and friends that have not even reached out to me just to check on me. Or to tell me they are thinking of me. Not once. These are relationships that I need to exam when I have the energy to do so. One family member, supposedly, wants to heal our relationship from years prior and yet can't even send a text?  It is interesting to me that this is a common occurrence with people going through cancer. Some have their spouse or best friend just disappear! I just can't comprehend it.

I am so super grateful for my friends and family who have been there to cheer me on and support me when I can't stand alone.

I have days where I am ok mentally and physically and other days I am so exhausted that I spend more time in bed than out.

I am a big proponent of therapy but right now, I can't go into an office to visit a therapist so all of you get to be it. Yay for you!!😆

I haven't figured out what my purpose will be when this is over. But there is one!

I don't have anything else to ramble on about, sorry if this is the same old same old.

Maybe the next blog post, life will have something different for me to share! 😆

All I have is time on my hands....

My mom would look at her watch a lot. When I say a lot I mean A LOT, like every 6 to 15 minutes. I always wondered  what she is thinking when she does that- I wanted to say to her, hasn't enough time gone by in your life that you don't need to keep watching it go by? I think she just had such a schedule and never wanted to be late anywhere that she was always checking. By doing that though, she was missing out on the present because she was always worried about what is coming up. I think many of us do that but we don't look at our watch constantly. How many times do you look at the clock while at work just in hopes that time has flown by so quitting time is close? What about the old saying-can't wait til the weekend! Why can't you wait? You never know what God has in store for you in between Wednesday and Friday! You may face a terrible trial on Saturday that you wish you could have turned back the clock to Tuesday! We are always rushing through life but it isn't rushing through life to get to our final destination-it is rushing towards whatever we think will be better then what we are going through at that moment. Sure, it is nice to have something to look forward to-like the weekend off or an upcoming event- but don't miss the opportunities prior to that in which you might be a blessing to someone. God might put someone in your life that you are meant to witness to or meant to even just give them a smile and friendly "Hello". God wants us to take our time, enjoy everything He has given us on earth to enjoy, so many things to look at,smell,taste and hear. So I hope the next time you are rushing through your week you will slow down and really take a good look at what you might be missing!
Here are some scriptures I found regarding time:
Ecc 3:1-8
1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
COL 4:5
5 Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity

Open Letter To My Husband

Honey, I am not sure there are enough words to express my gratitude towards you for these last several weeks.

Before I do, and before people who know you think I’m putting you on a pedestal, I have to acknowledge that you can still drive me crazy with your right fighting, strong opinions and road rage. Just like I can drive you crazy with my many many flaws.❤️

But enough of that.

Unfortunately, there have been a few tragic events in my life the last several years that you have already proven to me that you are my rock. You never waiver from being there for me.

But. This. This cancer diagnosis, surgery and all that has come with it is.... well, it’s a lot. Like a lot lot.

 It’s the sickness and in health part of our vows.

You have had to stretch yourself and get out of your comfort zone for all of it.

You have made sure all of my needs and wants have been taken care of and you do it with humor and grace. Anyone who cares about me, should be thankful that I have you as my husband. You have not let me down one time during all of this mess. You have let me cry, yell, have crazy thoughts, and laugh.

This has been a humbling and humiliating experience. Just to be 100% exposed to you and my entire medical team. Time and time again.

And it isn’t over yet.

We have even a harder battle ahead. It’s one I so wish I could, we could, avoid. But we can’t. So we march forward in this weird turn of events and we will get through it all.


And we will be stronger together.

Obviously, we have had friends, family and even strangers help pitch in and without them this would have been even harder on you. We are so blessed between them and your work, it makes me sad for those going along this same journey who don’t have all of this support.

No matter what lays ahead, I am truly blessed to have you by my side every step of the way.

I love you still. And forever.

💗💗💗💗


P.S. When these hormone blocking pills make me a raging maniac, please don’t take anything personal and show me this letter to you. 5 years and counting.😝😂

Just a ramble....

We had family here for Thanksgiving week  and I was able, for the most part, to forget about my cancer diagnosis.
Then Tuesday came. I got a call to remind me of my radiation oncologist appointment, my breast surgeon called to discuss more pathology reports to tell me what the tumor board discussed and ask how I was on processing everything, American Cancer Society sent me some brochures. And just like that- back to reality.

I’m scared and I want this all to go away.

I want someone else to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and no one can but me.

I’m thankful it’s not worse.

I’m thankful for my team of doctors.

I hear words like oncologist and tumor board and my heart breaks all over again for what my cousin, Judy, went through. How scared and overwhelmed she must have been in the beginning. How I wish she was here now. I miss her so much. She faced a much worse cancer than I am dealing with and I feel humbled by her all over again.
I’m mad at myself for not being there more for Judy, for not giving her an opportunity to let her guard down and be more vulnerable with me.

I’m angry that I have 5 years of the unknown. Of the side effects that will occur from the treatments that lay ahead.

Tomorrow is the radiation oncologist appointment and I’ll know then if my decision will be made for me because I can’t have radiation or if I can then I do believe I know the route I’ll go.

I guess I’m just feeling angry.
Sad.
Grateful.
Overwhelmed.
Scared.

I’m a hot mess and that’s ok.

What a lumpy bumpy year.....

I am really not trying to sound whiny, however it has been a year for me....
I am going to put my year in review for you to understand:
January- It started out for the year to be so promising. We had booked a cruise with Jill, Chris and the kids for our first family vacation together, along with my mother in law. I had not been feeling well with flu like aches and pains and overwhelming tiredness so a vacation with some of my favorite people and warm weather sounded wonderful.
While I was not fully feeling like myself and could have participated more, I still had a wonderful time. This was about the time mom started sharing some very strange behaviors and decline in her health.
February- finally got the diagnosis of incomplete lupus (meaning no butterfly rash on face) and treatment plan started. Mom declines further.
March- anniversary of my brother's passing beginning of the month and on 24th mom passes away. I took the final step to end the relationship with my oldest brother because he is toxic for me.
April- a friend of mine for 15 years had decided to end our friendship.
May- We had mom's memorial service. My cousin,Judy, was suppose to be able to go and had to cancel because her cancer was back.
June- while on another wonderful vacation, I get the call I never wanted to hear. Judy has been given 2 weeks to live. I go up to MD to say my good byes.
July- Judy passes away and I go up for her memorial. This was so tough.
August- we had to put Ginger, our dog down. She was 16 and we had her for 15 years. This was so much harder than either one of us expected. Yet it was the right thing to do for her.
September- It was our 20th wedding anniversary. A few days before that, we had a huge fight and honestly, it could have gone really bad if either of us had chosen in that moment to throw in the towel. We had pushed each other to the limits. I am so thankful, that we chose and have always chosen to breath and talk it out. Love is easy. Marriage is work. It was a bump in the road that we were able to maneuver over.

I prayed  to God- Can the rest of the year hold nothing major, please?
Satan says " Here. Hold my beer."

Last day in September, I receive a text from my niece, Ericka. She has received her DNA test results from 23andme and there is a guy showing up who is closely related to her (first cousin). So she wanted to know my thoughts. I am looking over the information and we start thinking of how he is related. She decides to reach out to him and start exchanging information.
October-He revealed to her, his mom had told him when he was 11 his dad was not his dad. Later she denied it. ( She was drunk at the time.) He asked Ericka if she had an uncle who was in the DC area around 1970? Well, Scott would have been 8 so that rules him out. My Uncle Don was in town visiting Thanksgiving in 1969 so if he happened to go out without his kids and had an one night stand and this guy was born in a certain time frame in 1970, then that would fit. Or there is one other possible answer....
My mom was a very active alcoholic until December 1975. During the years prior to that, she would rant about dad having affairs when she was drunk. So us kids just always figured it was true. If that was the case, than this guy could be my half brother.

So I immediately order the kit.

Results came back roughly 2 weeks later and sure enough he is my half brother. We connect and start sharing information. At first, it was harder on him than on me. Yes, we both had a seed placed in our minds early in our childhoods. But his parents are still alive, so for him, he has to not only deal with the hews that his dad isn't his dad but how to handle who and when he tells this news.
For me, it kinda cool. After all, Scott is gone and I don't have a relationship with Steve.
Like Ericka said, we are this loving, eclectic family who is like- "Another one to love! Come- let us hug you!!" And he is like Whoa!!!
The last few weeks have been kind of tough. He was able to speak to his mom (his parents are divorced) and she realized she was faced with having to own up the truth. As it turned out, she was my dad's secretary when he worked for Dept of Justice and they had an ongoing affair for 5 years. It also has come to light that my dad knew about this child. He even met him one time when Darrell was in high school. And she had reached out to my dad in 1993 when Darrell was diagnosed with diabetes to see if it ran in the family.

Wow.

That was tough to hear.

For a few reasons, one is for all the obvious reasons, another is, you see, mom was so flawed in our eyes growing up that she was given a lot of crap from us kids, even as adults, she was the "lesser" of the parents. We had placed my dad on a pedestal and he never got any flack from us. Not when he also was drinking when we were younger, not for having affairs on mom, not for anything.
The final reason for me is personal.
Short version- When I got pregnant with Jill, I was 20. her dad was not a good person and my dad couldn't stand him and was mad that I got pregnant by him. So he basically disowned me and I had no place to live and ended up in a homeless shelter.

How hypocritical of him.

I have been going through every emotion that you can imagine. The final result is that I can't change anything. Oh how, I would love to have an open conversation with him, but I can't. He took this secret with him when he died and of his choosing. Scott had even asked him when they were alone if there was anything he needed to know about-any siblings that might come out of the woodwork.
Was it to protect us or himself? I think he chose to protect us (including my half brother) all of these years, which is one reason why he never left mom. And I do know that he truly loved her.

 Was he a hypocrite? Yes. He should never have put me through what I went through. Was he there in the end of it all? Yes and in a big time way. Did he have reason to be so frustrated with me? Absolutely. It was the moment in my life that defined what I was going to do for myself and my child for the rest of my life.

It was my bottom.

And it has been nothing up since!

I had a day of feeling so guilty towards mom. I wish I had acknowledge to her how hard it was for her at times during her marriage. As a mom and wife, it breaks my heart. I wish I had not had so many years of resentment towards her. But there were many layers to our relationship and many reasons for those resentments. In the end, I know 100% our relationship healed, I did everything for her to make her life here in TN good. She was safe from my brother and she was well taken care of and she felt the love from all of us here. She knew. She said many times that I took good care of her. She felt loved in the end and that is what I need to remember.
As far as my half brother goes, we are taking things slow. I accept him as my brother because he is my brother. Growing up together or not, doesn't change that fact. I feel like it would be disrespectful to him and my dad to say otherwise. Will we have a relationship? I don't know. I would like to think we could meet one day. He has a son so I have a nephew I would like to meet. However, this is water that none of us have tread before. He is choosing not to tell his dad or sisters until both parents have passed. So it is more difficult for him in the every day life than for me.

The timing is not lost on me,.either. If I had known when mom was alive, while I would not have told her, I would have been burdened with guilt.

Roughly the last weekend of October, I had a twinge in my right breast. I took my hand to make it stop and felt a lump. It took me a day or 2 to say something to Mike because I had to make sure I wasn't being melodramatic or anything. Yup, it is a lump. On Halloween, I go to my Dr and she felt it. They set me up for a diagnostic mammogram.
November- The morning of my mammogram, I  did a group text with 3 of my friends. We will contact each other if we have a prayer request. I ask- Anyone ever have a lump? YES.
While checking in for test, the gal lets me know if something shows up concerning, they will do an ultrasound.
So, while waiting, I text them again " Anyone have an ultrasound done after mammogram?" All 3 say YES.
Ok, so far so good.
Mammogram showed not one, but 2 lumps. Ultrasound done and radiologist says I need to have biopsy done.
Sent another text to my friends " Anyone have to get a biopsy?"
NO
Now, I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My lumps are under an inch, one is exactly one inch in size for part of it. Being under an inch is important because if it is cancer, it is concerned early. At least what Dr Google as told me. ;-/

Both have jagged edges and not smooth.
Both are not fluid filled.
Both are in the upper right quadrant which is where 50% of cancer is found.

Last Wednesday, I had my biopsies done.

Today I got the call.

It’s cancer in both lumps.

I have said from the beginning that God has got this and in true form- it so happens there is an opening tomorrow morning for me to see a breast specialist!
We don’t know the stage or type yet. Hoping to have those answers along with a plan of treatment.


Then it will be my turn to say Satan- Here. Hold my beer. My God and I got this.

NOW CHECK THIS OUT—-
January- I had a wonderful first cruise with my daughter, son in law and grandkids!
February- FINALLY got an answer to health issue plaguing me for a very long time.
March- mom’s suffering ends and it was a spirit filled peaceful death.
April- A toxic friendship needed to end.
May- first time to the gulf shores surrounded by family (some who I haven’t seen in awhile) in a wonderful tribute to mom, dad and Scott.
June- wonderful vacation with family and I was fortunate to see Judy and tell her how much I love her.
July- Nothing wonderful about this month. It was hard. Seeing family was wonderful- circumstances weren’t.
August- Ginger lived a long and spoiled life!
September- it was my birthday and anniversary celebrations! Plus, we saw Mike’s brother get married at one of the best weddings we have been to!
October- I gained a brother!!🎉
November- We are having over 20 people here for our biggest Thanksgiving ever!!!!!
December- it’s a month full of family birthdays and Christmas!!
What a year to be alive!❤️ I’m surrounded by family and friends who are showing me so much love and support.

My mom aka lilpip

Over the last 5 years I have shared many stories with all of you (on Facebook)  about my mom. We nicknamed her Pip because my mother in law uses that word to describe people who are a character. So the hashtags have been #lilpip or #mypip
So many of you have told me how much you love her stories, her shenanigans and my humor while going on her journey through Parkinson’s and dementia.
This adventure has been healing, fun, rewarding, frustrating, heartbreaking and life consuming. Bittersweet rolled into one big ball.
We are entering a new stage in our pip’s life. Over the last couple of months her dementia slowly has declined and she started having some involuntary head movements. She is doing PT to try to get strength back into her legs and she is stronger during the first part of the day. She is also more clear headed the first part of the day.
Over the last few weeks her involuntary movements have increased to her head rolling back, side to side, eyes rolling around and she arches her back over and over. She is missing her mouth when she eats, with food getting all over her and everywhere else. Her dignity is gone and for someone who always had to look impeccable before leaving the house, this is hard to watch.
We knew before leaving on our cruise that memory care was in her future. When we got home it became apparent that we were not going to be able to afford to move her into the memory care side of where she currently lives. They tried to help us with a reduction of price but she just couldn’t afford it. We have found  a new place for her to move into and it is a brand new facility.  It will also save me about 40 minutes of driving time round trip!
Mike and I went yesterday to talk to her about it and she was very agreeable. I’m not sure if she will remember we told her so I’ll have to reinforce it to her every few days. Mike was shocked at the decline that has happened since he hasn’t been there in a couple of weeks.  I have chosen not to tell her it is memory care and if I have to deal with that at a later time than I will.
This is the harsh side of Parkinson’s. It’s sad. It’s heart breaking to watch. There is a theory that she may have suffered a minor stroke that got overlooked but no proof of it.
I just want to say I appreciate all of you for letting me know how much you love her and the stories of her antics!
Humor has gotten me through but there may not be as  many humorous stories to share. You all know me and I am ALWAYS looking for the humor and silver lining in every situation.
I want to start blogging about this life adventure in the hopes that someday someone will be going through this type of journey and know they are not alone. So my stories here on out may not always be upbeat. But I’ve promised not to lose my humor so I’m sure I’ll be giving you some giggles along the way.
I have said all along mom is like a cat and has 9 lives! Gosh, remember when she had pneumonia and the facility didn’t send the DNR over to the ER and they intubated her in error?? She was in ICU and we really thought she was gone. How many times have I asked for prayers as she was heading to the ER?
She is  one tough cookie and this is just another bump in the road of #lilpip’s life.❤️

There To Here- Don't Blink

I was on the phone with an old friend yesterday and she jokingly said "How did we get HERE?"
Here meaning in our early to mid 50s.
At one point in life you are talking with your friends about barbies and The Brady Bunch, Then boys and parties. It changes to college choices, complaining about rent prices, marriage, babies and jobs.
Somehow it leaps forward and it turns to our teens getting their licenses, proms and college applications.

At a blink of an eye our discussions change with friends. It is our kids weddings, grand babies, and making money stretch to enjoy retirement. We laugh at "leakage", cry at death and complain about aches and pains. We say things like "They will understand when they get our age". Or "Yup, I used to think that way, too".

We start to really, really realize we are not immortal. We have had loved ones die, some are parents and others are just simply too damn young to have left us in the middle of life's journey.
It might seem weird but I think about when I will die. I don't want to go too soon and I don't want to get too old, either.
We don't get to choose, though do we? And even if we said Ok, I want to die when I'm 75, getting from here to there will be so quick that we would probably change our minds. Honestly, 75 doesn't feel that far away,

I wonder what we will talk about then? Hopefully, it is what is being served in the dining room and when is bingo. My mom is no longer in touch with any friends except for my friend, Jane, that she considers as a second daughter. She just has it in her head when she moved that was that. It makes me sad that she is missing out on one of life's joys. Having friends to say-Remember when?

This post wasn't meant to be so serious! I started out with it in my mind, my conversation with my friend and reflection on how interesting it was that the topics change with age.

But reflection is never a bad thing, I don't think.
I had to let go of so many regrets and wrong doings done to me or by me. Life is simply too short. It just rushes by us that by the time you are over a half a century old, you realize Wow-we are HERE.
We are here because we are blessed. Because we survived ourselves.  We are meant to impart wisdom to the younger generation. Odds are they won't listen to us or maybe they are smarter? Doesn't matter, when they get here-they will be talking about the same things we are.

I reflect back to how much our world has changed, how much we have made progress in life. Yet, man, are we still so far away from getting anywhere or what?
The hate is so rampant, the judgments, the discrimination. Why are these issues so slow and our time is so fast? We have had so many adults go from there to here. There to here. And yet we can not get our act together enough to simply love people because they are humans? If people can't love people, we will stay a mess.

So, I will just continue to go from here to there, to have faith in human mankind, and to remember to be kind.

Laughter is the best medicine. Do it til you leak,

Gorillas, Bad Parents and Judgments Galore-- OH MY!

I have kept my opinion on the topic of the young child falling into the gorilla area a few days ago to myself.  I have read so many articles, posts, comments and blogs on the story that I now can't hold in my unsolicited opinion any longer.

What has amazed me the most is how many people are saying what a bad mom this mom is for not watching her child better. For argument sake let's say 1/4 (this is really low balling how many I truly think) of those people don't have kids- so what they say really has no relevance in this matter If you don't have any idea of what it is like to parent a toddler you really shouldn't have an opinion. It would be like me telling a runway model what they did wrong. Pointless.

There are variations of what the mom was doing- taking pictures- watching her other kids-whatever-her eyes were not on her child. GASP! So this means the other 3/4 of these judging people have their children in their eye sight at all times. Seriously, these people have never sneezed, took a picture, had their attention diverted from one child to another, never ever had a distraction during their time as parents?

We have no idea how quick this boy can get away from his mom-some are smooth movers and get out of reach very fast. Haven't these judging people had their child run quickly away? Surely they have stories of their own kids, climbing stairs before they realized, picking up a knife or scissors that they thought was put away, climbing a bookshelf, on top of the chair, out of their crib, coloring on the wall, on and on and on. No, their child didn't go to play with a gorilla (count your blessings instead doling out judgments)

I have read many parents say if I am taking pictures my child is in the picture. That is a great way to keep on eye on your kids! I never thought of that before- I would take some of the animals by themselves. Shame on me. Now, I am counting my blessings neither of my girls wanted to be one with the animals.

I have read people say nothing would stop them from going in the area to get their child. Ok. I would jump in front of a car , go into a fire,etc for my kids and grand kids. I would want to climb into the area as well. But I am not built in a way that my body could go through the opening a small child could get through. Have you seen the mom? She isn't a Tinkerbell size,either. Not many parents are. Maybe she wanted to do just that-can you imagine the anguish she was feeling not being able to physically go and get her child? No one knows what she is thinking yet so many want to judge her for yelling down to her kid trying to comfort the only way she could.

Could the mom have done a better job in that moment? Maybe. Let me count the ways I could have done better in a moment as well........

As far as all the animal "experts" out there-well unless they are truly a highly trained expert those opinions matter not. There is no way you can know if he was protecting or going in for a kill. I do know that in the 80s, overseas, a little boy fell into a gorilla area and one gorilla did protect that boy by guarding him from the other gorillas. GUARDED him. He even put his hand on the boys back in a protective manner. When the boy started crying and screaming he ran off. There was no dragging of the boy,cornering the boy or isolating him. Sure sounds different from what we all saw in the recent video.

I have seen comments about how dare they kill Harambe, an endangered species now MORE endangered! Well, not quite true. They have his sperm. They will make a baby gorilla and the world will ohh and ahhh over it when it is born. The experts handled it in the best way possible, even though they were going to have to kill a beloved animal, to save a small child. Human vs animal. Simple.The heartbreak the employees of the zoo must feel is terrible. They lost someone they loved. Very sad day for them.

Do I judge others at times? Sure- I am human. I don't hate on others when I do judge. I reel myself in and realize my mistake of judging (most of the time). The mom is just a human as well. One that will hug her son tighter and make better choices in the future, hopefully.

I believe things happen in life to wake us up. God needs to get our attention and thump us on the head. Maybe this was one of those moments without drastic consequences. I hope so for the little boy's sake.

I hope maybe it is a lesson for all the "super parents" out there when their time comes to have a "moment" because, obviously, they haven't had one yet.

Thoughts on Being a Parent of an Adult Child.......

Yesterday I was talking with a friend about the relationship between a parent and an adult child. This relationship is truly a balancing act of what I have done since the day they were born to the day my parenting goal has been completed. Now, I am not talking about the relationship with the adult child who still lives at home. That is another set of rules for another day. :) I'm still in the figuring out stage but am learning quicker with Melissa.

For me the parenting goal is to get them raised so they are able to function in the world on their own. Isn't that what every parent wants? We want them out, on their own, handling their lives so we can have our own lives.

Yet the struggle can be real in letting them go to fly on their own.

In  this conversation with my friend I shared the moment for me when I had to realize I no longer needed to butt into my adult child's life. She had bought her first home at 29. I suggested she get a credit card for emergencies only. Which was a perfectly logical suggestion but I crossed the line and said "You should let Mike and I hold it so you don't use it for other things". Well, I got the firing squad! Not only from her but from Mike and Melissa as well. That was THE moment for me when I knew I needed to let go.

Our relationship had evolved over time mostly by her doing anyway. Slowly, she learned to say to me "Mom, I got this" or "Mom, that's none of your business". She isn't rude about it but I do believe each time she was able to say it to me, her voice,, and her, grew a little stronger. So over the last few years she was trying to be the adult that I wanted her to be but my response time in catching up to her was a little slow.

 Jill and I are friends now. We do things together and we share about our lives with each other. She will want her mom when she is sick or something is wrong. Her mom will always be there. But most of her life is on a need to know basis and she will let me know when I need to know!

After my conversation yesterday with my friend, Jill and I had an open talk about our relationship and how we each have grown. It was nice to acknowledge where we used to be to where we are today.

A few months ago, another friend was telling me all the things she was going to do to help her daughter get settled into her new place, including all the organizational items she bought to make sure she was organized. It drained me. I blurted out loud- " This is nothing against you when I say this-I must be a terrible mom because I could really care less about those things in my daughter's life". I would never think of even trying to do it. I really felt like I was disconnected from my child. I wondered what was wrong with me!

But I have learned since then that we are just in two different points in our cutting of the apron strings. Mine started fraying way before this conversation and she still needed to do some cutting. It isn't that I am a terrible mom or that there was something wrong with our relationship, it is because our relationship had already shifted into the roles of friends and not parent/child. I could care less about my friends closets and that is the category Jill is in

Adult children will make mistakes, they will have triumphs and failures. They are not ours and are no reflection of us as their parents. We have our own triumphs and failures. They deserve theirs. We have no right to them.

Obviously, if there was something detrimental going on with one of them or my grandchildren I would intervene.

But I TRUST my children- I trust/taught them to enjoy their successes. I trust/taught them to let me know when they need me, I trust/taught them to fix their own mistakes,

So, while I was still trying to catch up, Jill was already laying the ground work. It isn't just the parent that needs to change, the adult child needs to as well. They need to be able to say "I got this" and one day, eventually, we realized they do have it.

Let your adult child come to you when they want to share. Let them live their life the way they want to and above all just be there when they ask you to be.

 If you are an adult child it may be time for you to start fraying the strings a bit if your parent(s) are too involved in your life. You can do it without causing resentment or distance. After all, you are an adult and your parents raised you up. Let them have the gift of not having to do so any more.

My parenting in the flesh is over. I can parent in the spirit. I can pray that God will do what I can not do. Which is a wonderful thing because I truly want to live my life and not my children's lives. I have done that long enough. ;-) They wouldn't have it any other way.

Fifty Schmifty.......

Most of you don't know that I absolutely dreaded...DREADED...turning 50. I mean it was an actual fear and panic feeling. I knew it was irrational but I couldn't move passed it.

I know it might stem from Scott dying when he was 50 and that while I am secure for what happens when I die, I don't want to die yet.

I shared this with a friend of mine and she said the best thing anyone could have said to me. She said Yes Scott died but Steve is a few years away from 60 and in spite of his lifestyle he is still alive.

That was a AH HA moment for me. The depression lifted and I decided to embrace it, Had a wonderful birthday!

I decided to find an old friend whose birthday is the day after mine. We lost touch through the years but she was always special to me. I had looked for her over the years and never could find her in the state she had moved. So I decided to put in the state of Maryland with her name(that is where we grew up) Well, she passed away several years ago. Sighhhh..... so I was able to find her sister and had a great talk with her about what happened.

Yesterday I decided to look up another friend who was such a wonderful friend and while we each moved away from VA we stayed in touch for a bit. As life has it tho we lost touch. I google her name and found out she died last year. DOUBLE Sighhhh....

This morning I called a friend of mine to let her know about our friend passing and we had a great conversation even though we hadn't talked in years(other then Facebook). It was nice to catch up and she always makes me smile.

I am feeling better about 50. Life feels good right now and I am enjoying it. One day I will die. I have no clue how,where or when. None of us do. But if I waste my 50's worrying about it all the time then what is the point of being in my 50's? Life is meant to live not meant to worry about when it ends.

Friends come in and out of our lives for a season. We enjoy them during that time and sometimes we depart ways for no reason...just life. The friends I have now are such a great group of friends. Enjoying our 50's together is going to be the best thing because I got to enjoy most of my 40's with them.

The point of this blog? I'm not sure other then to say I am ok for today. I am ok with being 50. I am blessed with family,friends and activities. Life happens. We continue on, things and people change but that is what makes life....well life.

Embrace. Enjoy.Find peace and comfort through my God. Maybe that is the point of this blog. To realize that is how I am going to try to live life. Life to the fullest. I might not be climbing actual mountains or able to travel to see the world but I can share love, compassion, humor with anyone who God puts in my path. Even if it is for a season.

What is your "Definition"?

I can't believe it has been since Jan that I blogged! I write posts tho when in idea comes to mind and this past week one had started formulating. What defines me?

I have been thinking this past week about events that have happened in my life. Do they define me? Do they make me who I am as an adult? Or do I, as an adult, make choices that define me? I already had these thoughts and knew I was going to blog about it when I went to Kroger the other day. I was in the card aisle and this lady was standing there looking at birthday cards for dads. I was looking for a card and had seen the birthday cards for brothers. There was one that reminded me of my brother,Scott. It had to dog like characters and one had his finger out just barely touching the other one and it says "Is this bothering you?" over and over then you open card and it says Happy Memories. This choked me up so bad- because my brother used to do that to me but he would say "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you!" It hit me in that moment that I will never be able to give him a birthday card again. And such a perfect card like that one just almost had me unglued but I hear the lady behind me sniffling so I turn and ask if she is OK. She was standing there crying saying she was buying a birthday card for her step dad and she wished it was for her dad because he passed away. I talked with her for a few minutes, comforting her about her grief and when we parted ways it came to mind that it is moments like that in which I am defined.

I could have ignored her crying, I could have gone deep into my grief with her or standing there alone but instead I was able to reach out to her in that moment. I was able to step away from the past, be in the moment and do what I know how to do best. Show love to others. So, this really got me thinking on the way home about how our life is defined. For years I was a victim by someone else's definition, including my own. For years I blamed things in my past for how I am, who I am today. In  that moment, this past Saturday I decided I wasn't going to do that, I was going to love myself not to have titles of my past be my definition. Because it was a busy day, I never had a chance to blog, thoughts still swirling around in my head.

Then I went to church this morning. Here is the scripture from church:

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. ~ Isaiah 43:18 


WHAT!!???!!! The pastor is talking in the beginning about what defines you. I mean, I was like....ummm heck yea-additional blog material!! Just kidding-- I was actually stunned. God was showing me something here and I need to hang on for the ride! So, it was a confirmation that I was heading in the right direction for sure.

Then I had to pee. This is an important fact. Trust me.

So I am standing in line for the bathroom and I look at the lady next to me. I realize she is a woman on Facebook who, along with her husband, does life coaching including weight loss and fitness. I have been looking at their pages over the last few days and even had mentioned it to my husband that I might email them regarding a mentor group they are doing. They are looking for 10 people to mentor but I never wrote the email and the deadline was up.
But because I realized who she was I said Are you Kim? She said yes and I just gushed. No, not pee. But I had told her I had thought about writing the email,etc I'm bad about remember faces so I was surprised I knew who she was and what a God thing to meet her. She told me I should totally write her an email.

So we go on our way until I step out of the bathroom and she is waiting there with her husband. She said I wanted to introduce you to Richard and you tell him what you said. So I did and he takes out his phone and says I want to take a picture of you two and we will post it on Facebook as our first member of the group!

WHAT!!!???!!!!

I started tearing up-this was an incredible moment for me. They decided it was my "before" picture. So there is no turning back now!

God probably is thinking- I had to thump you over the head to get where I was leading you to!! Take a hint!

These people are going to help me change my life. I feel it. I know it. There will be no excuses and while I am doing the work, they and God will be beside me-guiding me. Changing me. So I can live out my purpose in life. My definition.

Empowered Cravings........

This post is totally amazing that it happens to be my first blog post of the new year.
I have started a new online bible study this week called Made to Crave. It is based on the book of same name written by Lysa Terkeurst. The idea of the book is that we are all made to crave God yet we tend to crave and give attention to other things over Him.  For some it may be alcohol or drugs, others it may be attention or sex or food. Some where along our lives we made those a priority forgetting who really is craving our attention. Desiring our love, wanting to spend time with us. God's love is amazing, isn't it?

He waits patiently for us as we reach for whatever it is we want,whatever it is that in no way,shape or form will ever love us back.

Isn't that such a waste of time and energy and.....life? To focus on and desire things that will never ever love us back?

So as I am learning and growing this week I am focusing on our word for the week, which is Empowered. I am totally a geek and have this word printed out and plastered on my fridge.

Empower means to give power to or authorize to.....  why would I want to give my power over to something or someone other then myself or my maker? I truly wouldn't want to but doesn't mean I don't.My power has been given over to various people, memories, actions, alcohol,drugs, men,food and attitudes my whole life.

Yet this week....this week a small amount of hope. A light starting to shine through....just a nibbling of....ya know...just what if I kept my power? What if, instead of giving into cravings for whatever it is that I am desiring, that I pause and pray? Just stop.Just pray. Right where I am. My cravings will change. My thought process changes. I start to feel....well empowered!

Psalms 84:2 (NIV):

My soul yearns, even faints,

    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.

Empowered to me is such a strong word. It brings up images of strong people, of people who have conquered, maybe risen from the ashes to survive to share their story. Of important people. People with power. But I am realizing that while yes, those people are empowered so are many others. They don't have to be strong forces to be empowered.They just have to know one thing. They can empower themselves. I can empower myself. I, personally, like to have God help me be empowered. I am craving Him to help me in this journey.

I heard Elizabeth Vargas(ABC anchorwoman) speaking today about her alcoholism recovery. She said she learned that you need to feel your feelings, they won't kill you. I loved that thought.

Pray.Feel.Empower. Survive.Repeat.

Yup, still mad at God....

So I have been thinking lately, which is a dangerous thing for me sometimes. :)

Let me back up a minute....
We were attending a church here in the next town over and things were going well for awhile. When we felt it was time to move on we did. I felt like I wanted one in my town.

We found another one in our town,while I jumped in with both feet,Mike was hesitant to do so. After awhile it became apparent to me that my family was not going to embrace this church like I was so I had to make the painful choice of leaving.

Fast forward to now( over a year later) and my dangerous habit of thinking. We have not committed to another church. We attended one. Once. We have revisited the first church at holidays. I have realized I have become the christian I strived very hard not to be for many years.

I would say it was mainly a bad habit that formed and not putting God first but also situations have prevented us from going as well. Today,after talking to my friend about her walk, I got a little real with myself.

I am still mad at God for my brother passing away. How do I honor and glorify someone who I am intensely mad at? How do I put him first? I know WHY I should. But how. Nope, not feeling it. A lot of my joy died that night with him. Hard to go to church when you are not feeling joyful or are suppose to honor someone who is the main purpose for being there.

I have to acknowledge it..boy am I still pissed off!!

Now, here is some good news. I have friends and family who are steadfast in their faith. I quietly watch them. I'm like a non christian who is contemplating this life...this wonderful christian life.
I am so blessed to have warriors in my life. To have people that their faith is holding me up. Their walk is my reminder of who my guiding light. I know that just because I am ticked, it is not an all or nothing deal. I still believe. I still know what I know. I know the reality of things. I know what my faith believes in. I know. I know. I know.

I am grateful for a God who doesn't love me conditionally. I am grateful to have this hard shell around my heart crack some today. I hope it doesn't seal up. I am grateful for being able to watch people who have lived through far far worse and/or living through it now and they are amazing. Their faith, their walk is what keeps me going step by step.

Yup, I am still mad. But I admit it. That is a step in the right direction.

Thanks for letting me share,
S

What if your "Miley" moments were televised........

Almost everyone is abuzz about Miley Cyrus's performance on VMA's this past week, including myself. I admit I called her "trash".

Then I started thinking. What if my "Miley" moments from my teens and into my oh let's stop at late 20's, were captured for a nation or world of people to see? How would I feel? I feel ashamed just thinking about the fact that I even HAVE Miley moments. Ok, maybe not quite like hers but those moments that you regret later,are embarrassed later,ashamed later. In the moment, it feels right or good. In the moment you think you are oh so grand. But later....

It was bad enough to have some of those moments witnessed by others or gossiped via the good ole rotary phones. :) But televised.....picture it.......like a Hunger Games scene. OUCH.

Now, I am not saying Miley doesn't want or like the attention. Maybe she isn't embarrassed. Now.

I don't like the fact that even half of those moments are remembered by me...I can only hope others don't remember. :)

But we are totally outraged by this "role model's" behavior. Well, honestly.....I don't watch the VMA's because they are too trashy for me, I certainly would not have let a child watch them. She stopped being a role model a long time ago with admitted drug use.

I do believe that the woman at the well could have been a "Miley" in her day. FIVE husbands( I had 3 but whose counting) and living in sin that the time she met Jesus.

What about the woman committing adultery and everyone knew? Jesus said...“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”   Well, I threw a stone when I called Miley trash.
So many of us did, who are suppose to be Christians and not judge. With non Christians watching. Yup. Duh. Bad move.

Anyway, I know we will move onto the next sin to judge but I had to voice how I was feeling. So blessed that my past "moments" weren't televised. You?

Suicide and other ponderings.....

These past 2 weeks have brought a suicide count of 3 among people I have heard of, not friends but friends of friends or famous people. Still hits me hard that someone can do that to themselves.

In our family we had two suicides within 3 months of each other when I was in fourth grade. I still remember the impact it did on my mom.

A month after my dad died my brother Scott's best friend committed suicide. Devastating to have seen someone a month prior and then their life turns on a dime.

I have a friend who I spoke with recently who is suffering severely from depression. I had point blank asked her a few weeks back if she was suicidal. She said no. Then in speaking to her this week about some things she said she would never do it because of the devastation it leaves others. I looked her in the eye and said Listen to me. I believe you and I trust in your promise not to do that to us or yourself. She said Thank You. I know her word means a lot. But then she said But the problem is that leaves me no way out. I am trapped here until the day I die.

Whoa.

She is waiting for an appt to get counseling but I took her words and tossed them around in my brain for a bit. I thought about those who have committed suicide. That is how they feel. Trapped and it is the only way out that they know. Family and friends be damned.

Who knows what runs through a person's mind prior but it has to be an utterly sad place even if they feel loved.

In the cases I know it was addiction. It was getting caught doing something that would sent them to prison for a long time. It was mental illness. One I heard of was diagnosed with something and went home and promptly killed himself. Others I am not sure what happened but it had to have been HUGE.

Suicide leaves destruction in its wake.

Depression is an ugly mess.

I remember someone calling me years ago to tell me her friend had committed suicide. They had had dinner together with friends I believe that night or the night prior to her killing herself. She knew I took anti depressants and was asking me about depression. She really didn't understand it. She is not alone. I know many people who do not understand depression. People don't get it when they tell someone Just pull up your boot straps and keep going. Or tomorrow things will look better, you'll see. Or Hang in there. People who don't suffer from a chemical imbalance of depression just get sad or maybe depressed. But they move forward. That is different then people who suffer from depression. Life can be great but they can't find a reason to live. Life can be wonderful but they don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

So if someone you know is reaching out to you- look for the signals. Really listen to what they are saying. If you think they need help, don't be worried you will upset them by suggesting it.
If they are someone whose word means something to themselves, make them PROMISE you then won't harm themselves. That isn't a guaranty but giving your word to someone may be just enough.

There is no shame in counseling or anti depressants. I know some people think taking meds is a bad idea. But if someone has a chemical imbalance then it is just what they need. If they had diabetes you wouldn't tell them not to take their insulin,right? I caution people who don't understand depression about giving advice like that to a sufferer.

If you have lost someone to suicide, I am truly sorry. It leaves such a mark on your life.



On a lighter note....my daughter is college bound on Thursday. She loves saying she is an adult now. Do you remember those days of turning 18 and thinking that you are an adult and now you can do what you want? How dumb were we? We wish for adulthood and then it got here. Now we wish for carefree days.

I gave my parents a run for their money once I thought I could do what I wanted. I used to look back and think Why didn't they stop me? Now I know. I probably said I am an adult one too many times and they thought..fine. She is an adult. Good luck with that. :)

Luckily Melissa isn't anything like I was as a teen. I can count the number of times she truly got into trouble on both hands and still have fingers left over. Not that some of those times didn't break my heart into little pieces but we healed and moved on. She is really a great kid and while there maybe things I don't know about at least I am a parent who is aware of some things. She has shared stories about people from school who I see that their parents think their child is really perfect and they are totally getting away with behaviors not in line to what their parents think.

But she is an adult. Life is about to get real. Fun days ahead for her. Crappy days ahead for her. home will always be there as a soft place to fall when life gets rough. But this is her chance to go and grow. I trust her to make the right choices. If she doesn't, well Thank God she is an adult and is capable of fixing her wrongs. As for me, I'm going to be here when she is ready for me in whatever way she needs.

But in the meantime...I am an adult and will be doing things I want to do. Probably not much better then her but hey....we all learn as we go and grow,right?

Just a ramble.....

As I start this entry, I have no idea what the title will be. I have several topics swirling in my head so not even sure where this will go...so hold on for the ride!

You know know what a rough year this has been for me.And you only know what I have shared, not everything.  It seems like just the year of the bad happenings. I have days that are harder then those close to me even know but hang with me...this is not a depressing blog....

Monday I had a "kid free" day. My grand kids were spending the day with their dad. I had told a couple of close friends on Sunday that Monday I am unplugging from the world and having a date with God. I needed to talk to Him and get reacquainted. Monday I was starting gluten free eating.Monday was going to be the day of changes. The day I pull myself out of this puddle I am in and pull my boot straps up and say....let's get on with it, Because as my husband would tell the kids when we were going somewhere they didn't want to go-You can go and be happy or you can go and be miserable. But either way you have to go.
That is how I feel about the rest of this year.....then it hits me.....

A youth pastor intern at our old church in VA Beach told a story of being in high school goofing around with his friends at a park and he was sitting on a park bench. It was like a Tuesday and they were saying they couldn't wait for Friday to get here. (Haven't we all said that one before?) this old man was sitting on the bench and he turned to Andy and said--Why are you rushing the week? You have no clue what blessings Wednesday and Thursday may hold for you. Maybe Friday is the day you go to heaven? So why you are in a hurry to get to Friday.
That moment changed his life.
That story stuck with me.
It changes my attitude when I get to feeling like I have been lately...let's get this flippin year over with,2013 has not been kind to me.Some of the worst struggles in my life. Anyway....back to my date.....

I didn't stay totally unplugged, I did have to send a text,answer an email and I ended up on Facebook later in the night. But what my friend advised was,spend the first part of your day with God and rest of your stuff will be taken care of.

I loved my date. He listened, He talked, He comforted me when I cried and there was a lot of crying because He also opened my heart to fully expose how I have been acting. He didn't criticize, put me down, abandon me, make fun of me, judge me even. He accepted me for me and said OK. Let's chat. God simply said-here is where you are, here is where you were and here is where I want you to be. I am ashamed as a christian for not putting God first where,as Christians,we know that is where He needs to be. In EVERYTHING.
I have so many people and situations that I want to pray for, do pray for but they were all in my head. I took a pen and paper and wrote them all out. More keep flowing so more will come. But I also found on my bookshelf a couple of Joyce Meyer books I have been meaning to "get to" so I pulled on out yesterday and it was The power of Simple prayer. I think I can handle that- simple is good. I think I can handle this book and learning from it.

God doesn't want us coming to Him and saying...GAWWWWDDD my Father whoith my savior thouist...whatev......God wants us to go to him and even if we are like...


Hey- up there--I need help today. Thanks

Say what?? Yup....if that is all you can manage it is perfect. That would change in time hopefully but a simple...Ok here I am,let's conquer this day together would just delight Him.


I think you could even say Dude! Life sucks and I need your help to get to know you. He would respond. Sure- I'm here, let's talk.

Well, I guess that is what I have to say. I have realized since Jill's divorce everyone has backslid. Everyone is struggling. Not that it is the reason but it is the time frame and maybe there is/was anger in a sense as to why all that happened. Then Scott died and forget it...God had a target on his back for the angry darts I needed to toss. But Mike and I need to get on track and Monday was a start. For me. The rest of the family needs to decide on their own about stepping up their spiritual walk. The old Sandi would try to force it. This Sandi? I got my own junk to work on.

So I guess this one was truly just a rambling of an old cupcake. Not sure if there is any nuggets of anything someone could walk away with but I am glad you listened. :)
P.S. Gluten Free started today, thanks to celebrating Mike's bday late with dinner last night at Olive Garden and a certain Oooey gooey cake. :)

Why bother even being a christian........

When people get saved they are fired up for Christ. It is a love and high like no other. Sometimes there is a misconception that life will be this wonderful life from that moment on. That somehow God will protect us from any harm or misfortunes.

I have heard over the years that non Christians say "Well why bother? If you still struggle and I struggle then I am going to live my life like I want to and not have to follow a God that doesn't seem to care."

Well, I am here to tell you that no the struggles do not go away. In fact, they quite possibly could intensify. As a christian your tests become testimonies. When you have troubles you do not feel alone. You know there is someone who is there, in control and you will be ok.


Why bother? Well, I like not being an angry person. I like loving people.  I like knowing everything will work out, my way or not. There is a knowing. A peace. Sometimes it is hard to find the calm silence. Sometimes I want to just look up towards God and scream "WHY BOTHER!?"
But I realize that Jesus is why bother. People are why bother.

If you are a parent, whether you believe in God or not, just stop for one moment. Think about your child. Then think about you sacrificing your child for others wrong doings. Your child. Being tortured. Nails driven in their hands. A crown of thorns burying into their head. You are having your child do this for the greater good of this world and the people in it. For people who will never meet your child. It is hard to imagine. I certainly do not have a friend that would say,OK I am going to allow my child to be killed for your daughters sins. Do you?

Why bother? That is why. Because God loves me enough to do exactly that and to love me even when I screw up. He is there to protect me,provide for me,love me,guide me. He sometimes has to knock me over the head to figure some things out. He certainly has been waiting patiently for me while I struggle. He is currently being patient. But I do love that I am that important to him. Me. I am a nobody. But to God I am a somebody.

Next time when life gets you down and you think why bother? Reach out to a christian friend and ask them why. But listen. Really listen to the answer because heaven awaits all of us.Even if life is rough here on earth. I figure if God can endure Jesus being tortured I can try to handle what is thrown my way because in the end Heaven awaits me.