Fifty Schmifty.......

Most of you don't know that I absolutely dreaded...DREADED...turning 50. I mean it was an actual fear and panic feeling. I knew it was irrational but I couldn't move passed it.

I know it might stem from Scott dying when he was 50 and that while I am secure for what happens when I die, I don't want to die yet.

I shared this with a friend of mine and she said the best thing anyone could have said to me. She said Yes Scott died but Steve is a few years away from 60 and in spite of his lifestyle he is still alive.

That was a AH HA moment for me. The depression lifted and I decided to embrace it, Had a wonderful birthday!

I decided to find an old friend whose birthday is the day after mine. We lost touch through the years but she was always special to me. I had looked for her over the years and never could find her in the state she had moved. So I decided to put in the state of Maryland with her name(that is where we grew up) Well, she passed away several years ago. Sighhhh..... so I was able to find her sister and had a great talk with her about what happened.

Yesterday I decided to look up another friend who was such a wonderful friend and while we each moved away from VA we stayed in touch for a bit. As life has it tho we lost touch. I google her name and found out she died last year. DOUBLE Sighhhh....

This morning I called a friend of mine to let her know about our friend passing and we had a great conversation even though we hadn't talked in years(other then Facebook). It was nice to catch up and she always makes me smile.

I am feeling better about 50. Life feels good right now and I am enjoying it. One day I will die. I have no clue how,where or when. None of us do. But if I waste my 50's worrying about it all the time then what is the point of being in my 50's? Life is meant to live not meant to worry about when it ends.

Friends come in and out of our lives for a season. We enjoy them during that time and sometimes we depart ways for no reason...just life. The friends I have now are such a great group of friends. Enjoying our 50's together is going to be the best thing because I got to enjoy most of my 40's with them.

The point of this blog? I'm not sure other then to say I am ok for today. I am ok with being 50. I am blessed with family,friends and activities. Life happens. We continue on, things and people change but that is what makes life....well life.

Embrace. Enjoy.Find peace and comfort through my God. Maybe that is the point of this blog. To realize that is how I am going to try to live life. Life to the fullest. I might not be climbing actual mountains or able to travel to see the world but I can share love, compassion, humor with anyone who God puts in my path. Even if it is for a season.

What is your "Definition"?

I can't believe it has been since Jan that I blogged! I write posts tho when in idea comes to mind and this past week one had started formulating. What defines me?

I have been thinking this past week about events that have happened in my life. Do they define me? Do they make me who I am as an adult? Or do I, as an adult, make choices that define me? I already had these thoughts and knew I was going to blog about it when I went to Kroger the other day. I was in the card aisle and this lady was standing there looking at birthday cards for dads. I was looking for a card and had seen the birthday cards for brothers. There was one that reminded me of my brother,Scott. It had to dog like characters and one had his finger out just barely touching the other one and it says "Is this bothering you?" over and over then you open card and it says Happy Memories. This choked me up so bad- because my brother used to do that to me but he would say "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you!" It hit me in that moment that I will never be able to give him a birthday card again. And such a perfect card like that one just almost had me unglued but I hear the lady behind me sniffling so I turn and ask if she is OK. She was standing there crying saying she was buying a birthday card for her step dad and she wished it was for her dad because he passed away. I talked with her for a few minutes, comforting her about her grief and when we parted ways it came to mind that it is moments like that in which I am defined.

I could have ignored her crying, I could have gone deep into my grief with her or standing there alone but instead I was able to reach out to her in that moment. I was able to step away from the past, be in the moment and do what I know how to do best. Show love to others. So, this really got me thinking on the way home about how our life is defined. For years I was a victim by someone else's definition, including my own. For years I blamed things in my past for how I am, who I am today. In  that moment, this past Saturday I decided I wasn't going to do that, I was going to love myself not to have titles of my past be my definition. Because it was a busy day, I never had a chance to blog, thoughts still swirling around in my head.

Then I went to church this morning. Here is the scripture from church:

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. ~ Isaiah 43:18 


WHAT!!???!!! The pastor is talking in the beginning about what defines you. I mean, I was like....ummm heck yea-additional blog material!! Just kidding-- I was actually stunned. God was showing me something here and I need to hang on for the ride! So, it was a confirmation that I was heading in the right direction for sure.

Then I had to pee. This is an important fact. Trust me.

So I am standing in line for the bathroom and I look at the lady next to me. I realize she is a woman on Facebook who, along with her husband, does life coaching including weight loss and fitness. I have been looking at their pages over the last few days and even had mentioned it to my husband that I might email them regarding a mentor group they are doing. They are looking for 10 people to mentor but I never wrote the email and the deadline was up.
But because I realized who she was I said Are you Kim? She said yes and I just gushed. No, not pee. But I had told her I had thought about writing the email,etc I'm bad about remember faces so I was surprised I knew who she was and what a God thing to meet her. She told me I should totally write her an email.

So we go on our way until I step out of the bathroom and she is waiting there with her husband. She said I wanted to introduce you to Richard and you tell him what you said. So I did and he takes out his phone and says I want to take a picture of you two and we will post it on Facebook as our first member of the group!

WHAT!!!???!!!!

I started tearing up-this was an incredible moment for me. They decided it was my "before" picture. So there is no turning back now!

God probably is thinking- I had to thump you over the head to get where I was leading you to!! Take a hint!

These people are going to help me change my life. I feel it. I know it. There will be no excuses and while I am doing the work, they and God will be beside me-guiding me. Changing me. So I can live out my purpose in life. My definition.

Empowered Cravings........

This post is totally amazing that it happens to be my first blog post of the new year.
I have started a new online bible study this week called Made to Crave. It is based on the book of same name written by Lysa Terkeurst. The idea of the book is that we are all made to crave God yet we tend to crave and give attention to other things over Him.  For some it may be alcohol or drugs, others it may be attention or sex or food. Some where along our lives we made those a priority forgetting who really is craving our attention. Desiring our love, wanting to spend time with us. God's love is amazing, isn't it?

He waits patiently for us as we reach for whatever it is we want,whatever it is that in no way,shape or form will ever love us back.

Isn't that such a waste of time and energy and.....life? To focus on and desire things that will never ever love us back?

So as I am learning and growing this week I am focusing on our word for the week, which is Empowered. I am totally a geek and have this word printed out and plastered on my fridge.

Empower means to give power to or authorize to.....  why would I want to give my power over to something or someone other then myself or my maker? I truly wouldn't want to but doesn't mean I don't.My power has been given over to various people, memories, actions, alcohol,drugs, men,food and attitudes my whole life.

Yet this week....this week a small amount of hope. A light starting to shine through....just a nibbling of....ya know...just what if I kept my power? What if, instead of giving into cravings for whatever it is that I am desiring, that I pause and pray? Just stop.Just pray. Right where I am. My cravings will change. My thought process changes. I start to feel....well empowered!

Psalms 84:2 (NIV):

My soul yearns, even faints,

    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.

Empowered to me is such a strong word. It brings up images of strong people, of people who have conquered, maybe risen from the ashes to survive to share their story. Of important people. People with power. But I am realizing that while yes, those people are empowered so are many others. They don't have to be strong forces to be empowered.They just have to know one thing. They can empower themselves. I can empower myself. I, personally, like to have God help me be empowered. I am craving Him to help me in this journey.

I heard Elizabeth Vargas(ABC anchorwoman) speaking today about her alcoholism recovery. She said she learned that you need to feel your feelings, they won't kill you. I loved that thought.

Pray.Feel.Empower. Survive.Repeat.