Yup, still mad at God....

So I have been thinking lately, which is a dangerous thing for me sometimes. :)

Let me back up a minute....
We were attending a church here in the next town over and things were going well for awhile. When we felt it was time to move on we did. I felt like I wanted one in my town.

We found another one in our town,while I jumped in with both feet,Mike was hesitant to do so. After awhile it became apparent to me that my family was not going to embrace this church like I was so I had to make the painful choice of leaving.

Fast forward to now( over a year later) and my dangerous habit of thinking. We have not committed to another church. We attended one. Once. We have revisited the first church at holidays. I have realized I have become the christian I strived very hard not to be for many years.

I would say it was mainly a bad habit that formed and not putting God first but also situations have prevented us from going as well. Today,after talking to my friend about her walk, I got a little real with myself.

I am still mad at God for my brother passing away. How do I honor and glorify someone who I am intensely mad at? How do I put him first? I know WHY I should. But how. Nope, not feeling it. A lot of my joy died that night with him. Hard to go to church when you are not feeling joyful or are suppose to honor someone who is the main purpose for being there.

I have to acknowledge it..boy am I still pissed off!!

Now, here is some good news. I have friends and family who are steadfast in their faith. I quietly watch them. I'm like a non christian who is contemplating this life...this wonderful christian life.
I am so blessed to have warriors in my life. To have people that their faith is holding me up. Their walk is my reminder of who my guiding light. I know that just because I am ticked, it is not an all or nothing deal. I still believe. I still know what I know. I know the reality of things. I know what my faith believes in. I know. I know. I know.

I am grateful for a God who doesn't love me conditionally. I am grateful to have this hard shell around my heart crack some today. I hope it doesn't seal up. I am grateful for being able to watch people who have lived through far far worse and/or living through it now and they are amazing. Their faith, their walk is what keeps me going step by step.

Yup, I am still mad. But I admit it. That is a step in the right direction.

Thanks for letting me share,
S

What if your "Miley" moments were televised........

Almost everyone is abuzz about Miley Cyrus's performance on VMA's this past week, including myself. I admit I called her "trash".

Then I started thinking. What if my "Miley" moments from my teens and into my oh let's stop at late 20's, were captured for a nation or world of people to see? How would I feel? I feel ashamed just thinking about the fact that I even HAVE Miley moments. Ok, maybe not quite like hers but those moments that you regret later,are embarrassed later,ashamed later. In the moment, it feels right or good. In the moment you think you are oh so grand. But later....

It was bad enough to have some of those moments witnessed by others or gossiped via the good ole rotary phones. :) But televised.....picture it.......like a Hunger Games scene. OUCH.

Now, I am not saying Miley doesn't want or like the attention. Maybe she isn't embarrassed. Now.

I don't like the fact that even half of those moments are remembered by me...I can only hope others don't remember. :)

But we are totally outraged by this "role model's" behavior. Well, honestly.....I don't watch the VMA's because they are too trashy for me, I certainly would not have let a child watch them. She stopped being a role model a long time ago with admitted drug use.

I do believe that the woman at the well could have been a "Miley" in her day. FIVE husbands( I had 3 but whose counting) and living in sin that the time she met Jesus.

What about the woman committing adultery and everyone knew? Jesus said...“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”   Well, I threw a stone when I called Miley trash.
So many of us did, who are suppose to be Christians and not judge. With non Christians watching. Yup. Duh. Bad move.

Anyway, I know we will move onto the next sin to judge but I had to voice how I was feeling. So blessed that my past "moments" weren't televised. You?

Suicide and other ponderings.....

These past 2 weeks have brought a suicide count of 3 among people I have heard of, not friends but friends of friends or famous people. Still hits me hard that someone can do that to themselves.

In our family we had two suicides within 3 months of each other when I was in fourth grade. I still remember the impact it did on my mom.

A month after my dad died my brother Scott's best friend committed suicide. Devastating to have seen someone a month prior and then their life turns on a dime.

I have a friend who I spoke with recently who is suffering severely from depression. I had point blank asked her a few weeks back if she was suicidal. She said no. Then in speaking to her this week about some things she said she would never do it because of the devastation it leaves others. I looked her in the eye and said Listen to me. I believe you and I trust in your promise not to do that to us or yourself. She said Thank You. I know her word means a lot. But then she said But the problem is that leaves me no way out. I am trapped here until the day I die.

Whoa.

She is waiting for an appt to get counseling but I took her words and tossed them around in my brain for a bit. I thought about those who have committed suicide. That is how they feel. Trapped and it is the only way out that they know. Family and friends be damned.

Who knows what runs through a person's mind prior but it has to be an utterly sad place even if they feel loved.

In the cases I know it was addiction. It was getting caught doing something that would sent them to prison for a long time. It was mental illness. One I heard of was diagnosed with something and went home and promptly killed himself. Others I am not sure what happened but it had to have been HUGE.

Suicide leaves destruction in its wake.

Depression is an ugly mess.

I remember someone calling me years ago to tell me her friend had committed suicide. They had had dinner together with friends I believe that night or the night prior to her killing herself. She knew I took anti depressants and was asking me about depression. She really didn't understand it. She is not alone. I know many people who do not understand depression. People don't get it when they tell someone Just pull up your boot straps and keep going. Or tomorrow things will look better, you'll see. Or Hang in there. People who don't suffer from a chemical imbalance of depression just get sad or maybe depressed. But they move forward. That is different then people who suffer from depression. Life can be great but they can't find a reason to live. Life can be wonderful but they don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

So if someone you know is reaching out to you- look for the signals. Really listen to what they are saying. If you think they need help, don't be worried you will upset them by suggesting it.
If they are someone whose word means something to themselves, make them PROMISE you then won't harm themselves. That isn't a guaranty but giving your word to someone may be just enough.

There is no shame in counseling or anti depressants. I know some people think taking meds is a bad idea. But if someone has a chemical imbalance then it is just what they need. If they had diabetes you wouldn't tell them not to take their insulin,right? I caution people who don't understand depression about giving advice like that to a sufferer.

If you have lost someone to suicide, I am truly sorry. It leaves such a mark on your life.



On a lighter note....my daughter is college bound on Thursday. She loves saying she is an adult now. Do you remember those days of turning 18 and thinking that you are an adult and now you can do what you want? How dumb were we? We wish for adulthood and then it got here. Now we wish for carefree days.

I gave my parents a run for their money once I thought I could do what I wanted. I used to look back and think Why didn't they stop me? Now I know. I probably said I am an adult one too many times and they thought..fine. She is an adult. Good luck with that. :)

Luckily Melissa isn't anything like I was as a teen. I can count the number of times she truly got into trouble on both hands and still have fingers left over. Not that some of those times didn't break my heart into little pieces but we healed and moved on. She is really a great kid and while there maybe things I don't know about at least I am a parent who is aware of some things. She has shared stories about people from school who I see that their parents think their child is really perfect and they are totally getting away with behaviors not in line to what their parents think.

But she is an adult. Life is about to get real. Fun days ahead for her. Crappy days ahead for her. home will always be there as a soft place to fall when life gets rough. But this is her chance to go and grow. I trust her to make the right choices. If she doesn't, well Thank God she is an adult and is capable of fixing her wrongs. As for me, I'm going to be here when she is ready for me in whatever way she needs.

But in the meantime...I am an adult and will be doing things I want to do. Probably not much better then her but hey....we all learn as we go and grow,right?