Been thinking a lot about my mom. I think with Mother’s Day coming up, it is a natural occurrence.
It was easy to point out her flaws, to get angry and frustrated with her. Deep down, I knew she would always love me but as a teen, I wanted to push that boundary.
I wish I could apologize now that I see her in a different light. She was simply an imperfect human. Imperfect mom. Imperfect wife. But who isn’t? She dealt with some issues that a wife and mother shouldn’t have had to, my brothers gave her a run for her money in different times of their lives, as well.
Outside of abuse or neglect, if someone judges you as an imperfect mom, they just haven’t gotten “it” yet. I think it takes a certain maturity to have that lightbulb moment.
Growing up until 6th grade, mom was an alcoholic. She got sober December 5, 1975 by entering a rehab for 30 days. However, she was a loving caring mom in spite of her flaws. My teen years were my fault, my choices and her flawed mothering was justified and not her fault.
I was her only daughter. That has really hit me recently. She really wanted to teach me things when I was little, like sewing, gardening and cooking. I never wanted to do those things except help in the kitchen sometimes. How sad she must have felt, that I turned away almost every chance she gave me. We did do some things and had fun family times so I don’t mean to make it sound all terrible.
As an adult, we did have a good relationship. She could be frustratingly selfish, mean, rude and embarrassing. We had some struggles but she was always there for me when it counted the most.
By the time I realized it was because she was simply an imperfect human and just was working with what she knew, it was too late.
I can say, as an adult, I was a good daughter. I checked on her almost every day by phone and when she moved here, I took it as an opportunity to show her how much I loved her by my actions. Verbally comes easily, it’s the actions of a child towards their parent, that makes amends. If life goes according to the “natural plan” (which it did in my case) your mom goes before you. At that point, there isn’t a way to work on issues or apologize for anything you have done or to help her be a better person.
My daughters are quick to point out my flaws. They let me know when I’ve screwed up. Sometimes in a healthy way and sometimes not, but they are as imperfect as I am.
I’ve told my daughters this is my year of self awareness and I’m really trying to change behaviors that are unhealthy, to try to not do the things they deem are not good for my relationships, including theirs.
It was hard letting go, as a mom, when they became adults. I’ve come a long way but I have more room to grow.
My youngest daughter and I have 2 boundaries set up. One is if I go to make something about me, she will say “We aren’t on Sandi FM right now” and it makes me realize what I’m doing and stop. The other is, and this is harder, to not give advice unless she asks. Melissa will say “ I have a life question” that lets me know it’s ok to give advice. I’m one to give advice to anyone who I think might want it. I have come to realize, not everyone does. But it’s so naturally ingrained in me, like it’s part of my DNA, that what it takes to stop giving unsolicited advice is very hard work. I’m learning but again, I’m imperfect.
My oldest daughter and I have agreed not to have serious conversations in text. Recently, it was probably our 5th time declaring that but we are imperfect. What can I say? I’m a work in progress for my entire life but aren’t we all?
So, if you’re a mom or daughter and you beat yourself, or your mom, up in your thoughts. Just remember, it is y’all’s imperfections and that’s ok because you are human and nobody, NOBODY, is perfect.
If you’re lucky enough to have your mom still with you, cherish those moments. You won’t have the regrets of doing so but you might have regrets of not doing it.
My mom is/was my mom no matter what and I loved her so very much!!! She was a tough old bird and was as sweet as she was frustrating and I wouldn’t have had her any other way.💖💖💖
Happy Mother’s Day!
