Yesterday I was talking with a friend about the relationship between a parent and an adult child. This relationship is truly a balancing act of what I have done since the day they were born to the day my parenting goal has been completed. Now, I am not talking about the relationship with the adult child who still lives at home. That is another set of rules for another day. :) I'm still in the figuring out stage but am learning quicker with Melissa.
For me the parenting goal is to get them raised so they are able to function in the world on their own. Isn't that what every parent wants? We want them out, on their own, handling their lives so we can have our own lives.
Yet the struggle can be real in letting them go to fly on their own.
In this conversation with my friend I shared the moment for me when I had to realize I no longer needed to butt into my adult child's life. She had bought her first home at 29. I suggested she get a credit card for emergencies only. Which was a perfectly logical suggestion but I crossed the line and said "You should let Mike and I hold it so you don't use it for other things". Well, I got the firing squad! Not only from her but from Mike and Melissa as well. That was THE moment for me when I knew I needed to let go.
Our relationship had evolved over time mostly by her doing anyway. Slowly, she learned to say to me "Mom, I got this" or "Mom, that's none of your business". She isn't rude about it but I do believe each time she was able to say it to me, her voice,, and her, grew a little stronger. So over the last few years she was trying to be the adult that I wanted her to be but my response time in catching up to her was a little slow.
Jill and I are friends now. We do things together and we share about our lives with each other. She will want her mom when she is sick or something is wrong. Her mom will always be there. But most of her life is on a need to know basis and she will let me know when I need to know!
After my conversation yesterday with my friend, Jill and I had an open talk about our relationship and how we each have grown. It was nice to acknowledge where we used to be to where we are today.
A few months ago, another friend was telling me all the things she was going to do to help her daughter get settled into her new place, including all the organizational items she bought to make sure she was organized. It drained me. I blurted out loud- " This is nothing against you when I say this-I must be a terrible mom because I could really care less about those things in my daughter's life". I would never think of even trying to do it. I really felt like I was disconnected from my child. I wondered what was wrong with me!
But I have learned since then that we are just in two different points in our cutting of the apron strings. Mine started fraying way before this conversation and she still needed to do some cutting. It isn't that I am a terrible mom or that there was something wrong with our relationship, it is because our relationship had already shifted into the roles of friends and not parent/child. I could care less about my friends closets and that is the category Jill is in
Adult children will make mistakes, they will have triumphs and failures. They are not ours and are no reflection of us as their parents. We have our own triumphs and failures. They deserve theirs. We have no right to them.
Obviously, if there was something detrimental going on with one of them or my grandchildren I would intervene.
But I TRUST my children- I trust/taught them to enjoy their successes. I trust/taught them to let me know when they need me, I trust/taught them to fix their own mistakes,
So, while I was still trying to catch up, Jill was already laying the ground work. It isn't just the parent that needs to change, the adult child needs to as well. They need to be able to say "I got this" and one day, eventually, we realized they do have it.
Let your adult child come to you when they want to share. Let them live their life the way they want to and above all just be there when they ask you to be.
If you are an adult child it may be time for you to start fraying the strings a bit if your parent(s) are too involved in your life. You can do it without causing resentment or distance. After all, you are an adult and your parents raised you up. Let them have the gift of not having to do so any more.
My parenting in the flesh is over. I can parent in the spirit. I can pray that God will do what I can not do. Which is a wonderful thing because I truly want to live my life and not my children's lives. I have done that long enough. ;-) They wouldn't have it any other way.
