So I have been thinking lately, which is a dangerous thing for me sometimes. :)
Let me back up a minute....
We were attending a church here in the next town over and things were going well for awhile. When we felt it was time to move on we did. I felt like I wanted one in my town.
We found another one in our town,while I jumped in with both feet,Mike was hesitant to do so. After awhile it became apparent to me that my family was not going to embrace this church like I was so I had to make the painful choice of leaving.
Fast forward to now( over a year later) and my dangerous habit of thinking. We have not committed to another church. We attended one. Once. We have revisited the first church at holidays. I have realized I have become the christian I strived very hard not to be for many years.
I would say it was mainly a bad habit that formed and not putting God first but also situations have prevented us from going as well. Today,after talking to my friend about her walk, I got a little real with myself.
I am still mad at God for my brother passing away. How do I honor and glorify someone who I am intensely mad at? How do I put him first? I know WHY I should. But how. Nope, not feeling it. A lot of my joy died that night with him. Hard to go to church when you are not feeling joyful or are suppose to honor someone who is the main purpose for being there.
I have to acknowledge it..boy am I still pissed off!!
Now, here is some good news. I have friends and family who are steadfast in their faith. I quietly watch them. I'm like a non christian who is contemplating this life...this wonderful christian life.
I am so blessed to have warriors in my life. To have people that their faith is holding me up. Their walk is my reminder of who my guiding light. I know that just because I am ticked, it is not an all or nothing deal. I still believe. I still know what I know. I know the reality of things. I know what my faith believes in. I know. I know. I know.
I am grateful for a God who doesn't love me conditionally. I am grateful to have this hard shell around my heart crack some today. I hope it doesn't seal up. I am grateful for being able to watch people who have lived through far far worse and/or living through it now and they are amazing. Their faith, their walk is what keeps me going step by step.
Yup, I am still mad. But I admit it. That is a step in the right direction.
Thanks for letting me share,
S
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
What if your "Miley" moments were televised........
Almost everyone is abuzz about Miley Cyrus's performance on VMA's this past week, including myself. I admit I called her "trash".
Then I started thinking. What if my "Miley" moments from my teens and into my oh let's stop at late 20's, were captured for a nation or world of people to see? How would I feel? I feel ashamed just thinking about the fact that I even HAVE Miley moments. Ok, maybe not quite like hers but those moments that you regret later,are embarrassed later,ashamed later. In the moment, it feels right or good. In the moment you think you are oh so grand. But later....
It was bad enough to have some of those moments witnessed by others or gossiped via the good ole rotary phones. :) But televised.....picture it.......like a Hunger Games scene. OUCH.
Now, I am not saying Miley doesn't want or like the attention. Maybe she isn't embarrassed. Now.
I don't like the fact that even half of those moments are remembered by me...I can only hope others don't remember. :)
But we are totally outraged by this "role model's" behavior. Well, honestly.....I don't watch the VMA's because they are too trashy for me, I certainly would not have let a child watch them. She stopped being a role model a long time ago with admitted drug use.
I do believe that the woman at the well could have been a "Miley" in her day. FIVE husbands( I had 3 but whose counting) and living in sin that the time she met Jesus.
What about the woman committing adultery and everyone knew? Jesus said...“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” Well, I threw a stone when I called Miley trash.
So many of us did, who are suppose to be Christians and not judge. With non Christians watching. Yup. Duh. Bad move.
Anyway, I know we will move onto the next sin to judge but I had to voice how I was feeling. So blessed that my past "moments" weren't televised. You?
Then I started thinking. What if my "Miley" moments from my teens and into my oh let's stop at late 20's, were captured for a nation or world of people to see? How would I feel? I feel ashamed just thinking about the fact that I even HAVE Miley moments. Ok, maybe not quite like hers but those moments that you regret later,are embarrassed later,ashamed later. In the moment, it feels right or good. In the moment you think you are oh so grand. But later....
It was bad enough to have some of those moments witnessed by others or gossiped via the good ole rotary phones. :) But televised.....picture it.......like a Hunger Games scene. OUCH.
Now, I am not saying Miley doesn't want or like the attention. Maybe she isn't embarrassed. Now.
I don't like the fact that even half of those moments are remembered by me...I can only hope others don't remember. :)
But we are totally outraged by this "role model's" behavior. Well, honestly.....I don't watch the VMA's because they are too trashy for me, I certainly would not have let a child watch them. She stopped being a role model a long time ago with admitted drug use.
I do believe that the woman at the well could have been a "Miley" in her day. FIVE husbands( I had 3 but whose counting) and living in sin that the time she met Jesus.
What about the woman committing adultery and everyone knew? Jesus said...“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” Well, I threw a stone when I called Miley trash.
So many of us did, who are suppose to be Christians and not judge. With non Christians watching. Yup. Duh. Bad move.
Anyway, I know we will move onto the next sin to judge but I had to voice how I was feeling. So blessed that my past "moments" weren't televised. You?
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Suicide and other ponderings.....
These past 2 weeks have brought a suicide count of 3 among people I have heard of, not friends but friends of friends or famous people. Still hits me hard that someone can do that to themselves.
In our family we had two suicides within 3 months of each other when I was in fourth grade. I still remember the impact it did on my mom.
A month after my dad died my brother Scott's best friend committed suicide. Devastating to have seen someone a month prior and then their life turns on a dime.
I have a friend who I spoke with recently who is suffering severely from depression. I had point blank asked her a few weeks back if she was suicidal. She said no. Then in speaking to her this week about some things she said she would never do it because of the devastation it leaves others. I looked her in the eye and said Listen to me. I believe you and I trust in your promise not to do that to us or yourself. She said Thank You. I know her word means a lot. But then she said But the problem is that leaves me no way out. I am trapped here until the day I die.
Whoa.
She is waiting for an appt to get counseling but I took her words and tossed them around in my brain for a bit. I thought about those who have committed suicide. That is how they feel. Trapped and it is the only way out that they know. Family and friends be damned.
Who knows what runs through a person's mind prior but it has to be an utterly sad place even if they feel loved.
In the cases I know it was addiction. It was getting caught doing something that would sent them to prison for a long time. It was mental illness. One I heard of was diagnosed with something and went home and promptly killed himself. Others I am not sure what happened but it had to have been HUGE.
Suicide leaves destruction in its wake.
Depression is an ugly mess.
I remember someone calling me years ago to tell me her friend had committed suicide. They had had dinner together with friends I believe that night or the night prior to her killing herself. She knew I took anti depressants and was asking me about depression. She really didn't understand it. She is not alone. I know many people who do not understand depression. People don't get it when they tell someone Just pull up your boot straps and keep going. Or tomorrow things will look better, you'll see. Or Hang in there. People who don't suffer from a chemical imbalance of depression just get sad or maybe depressed. But they move forward. That is different then people who suffer from depression. Life can be great but they can't find a reason to live. Life can be wonderful but they don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
So if someone you know is reaching out to you- look for the signals. Really listen to what they are saying. If you think they need help, don't be worried you will upset them by suggesting it.
If they are someone whose word means something to themselves, make them PROMISE you then won't harm themselves. That isn't a guaranty but giving your word to someone may be just enough.
There is no shame in counseling or anti depressants. I know some people think taking meds is a bad idea. But if someone has a chemical imbalance then it is just what they need. If they had diabetes you wouldn't tell them not to take their insulin,right? I caution people who don't understand depression about giving advice like that to a sufferer.
If you have lost someone to suicide, I am truly sorry. It leaves such a mark on your life.
On a lighter note....my daughter is college bound on Thursday. She loves saying she is an adult now. Do you remember those days of turning 18 and thinking that you are an adult and now you can do what you want? How dumb were we? We wish for adulthood and then it got here. Now we wish for carefree days.
I gave my parents a run for their money once I thought I could do what I wanted. I used to look back and think Why didn't they stop me? Now I know. I probably said I am an adult one too many times and they thought..fine. She is an adult. Good luck with that. :)
Luckily Melissa isn't anything like I was as a teen. I can count the number of times she truly got into trouble on both hands and still have fingers left over. Not that some of those times didn't break my heart into little pieces but we healed and moved on. She is really a great kid and while there maybe things I don't know about at least I am a parent who is aware of some things. She has shared stories about people from school who I see that their parents think their child is really perfect and they are totally getting away with behaviors not in line to what their parents think.
But she is an adult. Life is about to get real. Fun days ahead for her. Crappy days ahead for her. home will always be there as a soft place to fall when life gets rough. But this is her chance to go and grow. I trust her to make the right choices. If she doesn't, well Thank God she is an adult and is capable of fixing her wrongs. As for me, I'm going to be here when she is ready for me in whatever way she needs.
But in the meantime...I am an adult and will be doing things I want to do. Probably not much better then her but hey....we all learn as we go and grow,right?
In our family we had two suicides within 3 months of each other when I was in fourth grade. I still remember the impact it did on my mom.
A month after my dad died my brother Scott's best friend committed suicide. Devastating to have seen someone a month prior and then their life turns on a dime.
I have a friend who I spoke with recently who is suffering severely from depression. I had point blank asked her a few weeks back if she was suicidal. She said no. Then in speaking to her this week about some things she said she would never do it because of the devastation it leaves others. I looked her in the eye and said Listen to me. I believe you and I trust in your promise not to do that to us or yourself. She said Thank You. I know her word means a lot. But then she said But the problem is that leaves me no way out. I am trapped here until the day I die.
Whoa.
She is waiting for an appt to get counseling but I took her words and tossed them around in my brain for a bit. I thought about those who have committed suicide. That is how they feel. Trapped and it is the only way out that they know. Family and friends be damned.
Who knows what runs through a person's mind prior but it has to be an utterly sad place even if they feel loved.
In the cases I know it was addiction. It was getting caught doing something that would sent them to prison for a long time. It was mental illness. One I heard of was diagnosed with something and went home and promptly killed himself. Others I am not sure what happened but it had to have been HUGE.
Suicide leaves destruction in its wake.
Depression is an ugly mess.
I remember someone calling me years ago to tell me her friend had committed suicide. They had had dinner together with friends I believe that night or the night prior to her killing herself. She knew I took anti depressants and was asking me about depression. She really didn't understand it. She is not alone. I know many people who do not understand depression. People don't get it when they tell someone Just pull up your boot straps and keep going. Or tomorrow things will look better, you'll see. Or Hang in there. People who don't suffer from a chemical imbalance of depression just get sad or maybe depressed. But they move forward. That is different then people who suffer from depression. Life can be great but they can't find a reason to live. Life can be wonderful but they don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
So if someone you know is reaching out to you- look for the signals. Really listen to what they are saying. If you think they need help, don't be worried you will upset them by suggesting it.
If they are someone whose word means something to themselves, make them PROMISE you then won't harm themselves. That isn't a guaranty but giving your word to someone may be just enough.
There is no shame in counseling or anti depressants. I know some people think taking meds is a bad idea. But if someone has a chemical imbalance then it is just what they need. If they had diabetes you wouldn't tell them not to take their insulin,right? I caution people who don't understand depression about giving advice like that to a sufferer.
If you have lost someone to suicide, I am truly sorry. It leaves such a mark on your life.
On a lighter note....my daughter is college bound on Thursday. She loves saying she is an adult now. Do you remember those days of turning 18 and thinking that you are an adult and now you can do what you want? How dumb were we? We wish for adulthood and then it got here. Now we wish for carefree days.
I gave my parents a run for their money once I thought I could do what I wanted. I used to look back and think Why didn't they stop me? Now I know. I probably said I am an adult one too many times and they thought..fine. She is an adult. Good luck with that. :)
Luckily Melissa isn't anything like I was as a teen. I can count the number of times she truly got into trouble on both hands and still have fingers left over. Not that some of those times didn't break my heart into little pieces but we healed and moved on. She is really a great kid and while there maybe things I don't know about at least I am a parent who is aware of some things. She has shared stories about people from school who I see that their parents think their child is really perfect and they are totally getting away with behaviors not in line to what their parents think.
But she is an adult. Life is about to get real. Fun days ahead for her. Crappy days ahead for her. home will always be there as a soft place to fall when life gets rough. But this is her chance to go and grow. I trust her to make the right choices. If she doesn't, well Thank God she is an adult and is capable of fixing her wrongs. As for me, I'm going to be here when she is ready for me in whatever way she needs.
But in the meantime...I am an adult and will be doing things I want to do. Probably not much better then her but hey....we all learn as we go and grow,right?
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Just a ramble.....
As I start this entry, I have no idea what the title will be. I have several topics swirling in my head so not even sure where this will go...so hold on for the ride!
You know know what a rough year this has been for me.And you only know what I have shared, not everything. It seems like just the year of the bad happenings. I have days that are harder then those close to me even know but hang with me...this is not a depressing blog....
Monday I had a "kid free" day. My grand kids were spending the day with their dad. I had told a couple of close friends on Sunday that Monday I am unplugging from the world and having a date with God. I needed to talk to Him and get reacquainted. Monday I was starting gluten free eating.Monday was going to be the day of changes. The day I pull myself out of this puddle I am in and pull my boot straps up and say....let's get on with it, Because as my husband would tell the kids when we were going somewhere they didn't want to go-You can go and be happy or you can go and be miserable. But either way you have to go.
That is how I feel about the rest of this year.....then it hits me.....
A youth pastor intern at our old church in VA Beach told a story of being in high school goofing around with his friends at a park and he was sitting on a park bench. It was like a Tuesday and they were saying they couldn't wait for Friday to get here. (Haven't we all said that one before?) this old man was sitting on the bench and he turned to Andy and said--Why are you rushing the week? You have no clue what blessings Wednesday and Thursday may hold for you. Maybe Friday is the day you go to heaven? So why you are in a hurry to get to Friday.
That moment changed his life.
That story stuck with me.
It changes my attitude when I get to feeling like I have been lately...let's get this flippin year over with,2013 has not been kind to me.Some of the worst struggles in my life. Anyway....back to my date.....
I didn't stay totally unplugged, I did have to send a text,answer an email and I ended up on Facebook later in the night. But what my friend advised was,spend the first part of your day with God and rest of your stuff will be taken care of.
I loved my date. He listened, He talked, He comforted me when I cried and there was a lot of crying because He also opened my heart to fully expose how I have been acting. He didn't criticize, put me down, abandon me, make fun of me, judge me even. He accepted me for me and said OK. Let's chat. God simply said-here is where you are, here is where you were and here is where I want you to be. I am ashamed as a christian for not putting God first where,as Christians,we know that is where He needs to be. In EVERYTHING.
I have so many people and situations that I want to pray for, do pray for but they were all in my head. I took a pen and paper and wrote them all out. More keep flowing so more will come. But I also found on my bookshelf a couple of Joyce Meyer books I have been meaning to "get to" so I pulled on out yesterday and it was The power of Simple prayer. I think I can handle that- simple is good. I think I can handle this book and learning from it.
God doesn't want us coming to Him and saying...GAWWWWDDD my Father whoith my savior thouist...whatev......God wants us to go to him and even if we are like...
Hey- up there--I need help today. Thanks
Say what?? Yup....if that is all you can manage it is perfect. That would change in time hopefully but a simple...Ok here I am,let's conquer this day together would just delight Him.
I think you could even say Dude! Life sucks and I need your help to get to know you. He would respond. Sure- I'm here, let's talk.
Well, I guess that is what I have to say. I have realized since Jill's divorce everyone has backslid. Everyone is struggling. Not that it is the reason but it is the time frame and maybe there is/was anger in a sense as to why all that happened. Then Scott died and forget it...God had a target on his back for the angry darts I needed to toss. But Mike and I need to get on track and Monday was a start. For me. The rest of the family needs to decide on their own about stepping up their spiritual walk. The old Sandi would try to force it. This Sandi? I got my own junk to work on.
So I guess this one was truly just a rambling of an old cupcake. Not sure if there is any nuggets of anything someone could walk away with but I am glad you listened. :)
P.S. Gluten Free started today, thanks to celebrating Mike's bday late with dinner last night at Olive Garden and a certain Oooey gooey cake. :)
You know know what a rough year this has been for me.And you only know what I have shared, not everything. It seems like just the year of the bad happenings. I have days that are harder then those close to me even know but hang with me...this is not a depressing blog....
Monday I had a "kid free" day. My grand kids were spending the day with their dad. I had told a couple of close friends on Sunday that Monday I am unplugging from the world and having a date with God. I needed to talk to Him and get reacquainted. Monday I was starting gluten free eating.Monday was going to be the day of changes. The day I pull myself out of this puddle I am in and pull my boot straps up and say....let's get on with it, Because as my husband would tell the kids when we were going somewhere they didn't want to go-You can go and be happy or you can go and be miserable. But either way you have to go.
That is how I feel about the rest of this year.....then it hits me.....
A youth pastor intern at our old church in VA Beach told a story of being in high school goofing around with his friends at a park and he was sitting on a park bench. It was like a Tuesday and they were saying they couldn't wait for Friday to get here. (Haven't we all said that one before?) this old man was sitting on the bench and he turned to Andy and said--Why are you rushing the week? You have no clue what blessings Wednesday and Thursday may hold for you. Maybe Friday is the day you go to heaven? So why you are in a hurry to get to Friday.
That moment changed his life.
That story stuck with me.
It changes my attitude when I get to feeling like I have been lately...let's get this flippin year over with,2013 has not been kind to me.Some of the worst struggles in my life. Anyway....back to my date.....
I didn't stay totally unplugged, I did have to send a text,answer an email and I ended up on Facebook later in the night. But what my friend advised was,spend the first part of your day with God and rest of your stuff will be taken care of.
I loved my date. He listened, He talked, He comforted me when I cried and there was a lot of crying because He also opened my heart to fully expose how I have been acting. He didn't criticize, put me down, abandon me, make fun of me, judge me even. He accepted me for me and said OK. Let's chat. God simply said-here is where you are, here is where you were and here is where I want you to be. I am ashamed as a christian for not putting God first where,as Christians,we know that is where He needs to be. In EVERYTHING.
I have so many people and situations that I want to pray for, do pray for but they were all in my head. I took a pen and paper and wrote them all out. More keep flowing so more will come. But I also found on my bookshelf a couple of Joyce Meyer books I have been meaning to "get to" so I pulled on out yesterday and it was The power of Simple prayer. I think I can handle that- simple is good. I think I can handle this book and learning from it.
God doesn't want us coming to Him and saying...GAWWWWDDD my Father whoith my savior thouist...whatev......God wants us to go to him and even if we are like...
Hey- up there--I need help today. Thanks
Say what?? Yup....if that is all you can manage it is perfect. That would change in time hopefully but a simple...Ok here I am,let's conquer this day together would just delight Him.
I think you could even say Dude! Life sucks and I need your help to get to know you. He would respond. Sure- I'm here, let's talk.
Well, I guess that is what I have to say. I have realized since Jill's divorce everyone has backslid. Everyone is struggling. Not that it is the reason but it is the time frame and maybe there is/was anger in a sense as to why all that happened. Then Scott died and forget it...God had a target on his back for the angry darts I needed to toss. But Mike and I need to get on track and Monday was a start. For me. The rest of the family needs to decide on their own about stepping up their spiritual walk. The old Sandi would try to force it. This Sandi? I got my own junk to work on.
So I guess this one was truly just a rambling of an old cupcake. Not sure if there is any nuggets of anything someone could walk away with but I am glad you listened. :)
P.S. Gluten Free started today, thanks to celebrating Mike's bday late with dinner last night at Olive Garden and a certain Oooey gooey cake. :)
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Why bother even being a christian........
When people get saved they are fired up for Christ. It is a love and high like no other. Sometimes there is a misconception that life will be this wonderful life from that moment on. That somehow God will protect us from any harm or misfortunes.
I have heard over the years that non Christians say "Well why bother? If you still struggle and I struggle then I am going to live my life like I want to and not have to follow a God that doesn't seem to care."
Well, I am here to tell you that no the struggles do not go away. In fact, they quite possibly could intensify. As a christian your tests become testimonies. When you have troubles you do not feel alone. You know there is someone who is there, in control and you will be ok.
Why bother? Well, I like not being an angry person. I like loving people. I like knowing everything will work out, my way or not. There is a knowing. A peace. Sometimes it is hard to find the calm silence. Sometimes I want to just look up towards God and scream "WHY BOTHER!?"
But I realize that Jesus is why bother. People are why bother.
If you are a parent, whether you believe in God or not, just stop for one moment. Think about your child. Then think about you sacrificing your child for others wrong doings. Your child. Being tortured. Nails driven in their hands. A crown of thorns burying into their head. You are having your child do this for the greater good of this world and the people in it. For people who will never meet your child. It is hard to imagine. I certainly do not have a friend that would say,OK I am going to allow my child to be killed for your daughters sins. Do you?
Why bother? That is why. Because God loves me enough to do exactly that and to love me even when I screw up. He is there to protect me,provide for me,love me,guide me. He sometimes has to knock me over the head to figure some things out. He certainly has been waiting patiently for me while I struggle. He is currently being patient. But I do love that I am that important to him. Me. I am a nobody. But to God I am a somebody.
Next time when life gets you down and you think why bother? Reach out to a christian friend and ask them why. But listen. Really listen to the answer because heaven awaits all of us.Even if life is rough here on earth. I figure if God can endure Jesus being tortured I can try to handle what is thrown my way because in the end Heaven awaits me.
I have heard over the years that non Christians say "Well why bother? If you still struggle and I struggle then I am going to live my life like I want to and not have to follow a God that doesn't seem to care."
Well, I am here to tell you that no the struggles do not go away. In fact, they quite possibly could intensify. As a christian your tests become testimonies. When you have troubles you do not feel alone. You know there is someone who is there, in control and you will be ok.
Why bother? Well, I like not being an angry person. I like loving people. I like knowing everything will work out, my way or not. There is a knowing. A peace. Sometimes it is hard to find the calm silence. Sometimes I want to just look up towards God and scream "WHY BOTHER!?"
But I realize that Jesus is why bother. People are why bother.
If you are a parent, whether you believe in God or not, just stop for one moment. Think about your child. Then think about you sacrificing your child for others wrong doings. Your child. Being tortured. Nails driven in their hands. A crown of thorns burying into their head. You are having your child do this for the greater good of this world and the people in it. For people who will never meet your child. It is hard to imagine. I certainly do not have a friend that would say,OK I am going to allow my child to be killed for your daughters sins. Do you?
Why bother? That is why. Because God loves me enough to do exactly that and to love me even when I screw up. He is there to protect me,provide for me,love me,guide me. He sometimes has to knock me over the head to figure some things out. He certainly has been waiting patiently for me while I struggle. He is currently being patient. But I do love that I am that important to him. Me. I am a nobody. But to God I am a somebody.
Next time when life gets you down and you think why bother? Reach out to a christian friend and ask them why. But listen. Really listen to the answer because heaven awaits all of us.Even if life is rough here on earth. I figure if God can endure Jesus being tortured I can try to handle what is thrown my way because in the end Heaven awaits me.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Gift Living........
Life is something else, isn't it? Never what you expect, sometimes going your way or not and yet a blessing all the same. A gift. Sometimes we, as humans, treat the gift of life and the gifts we get in life as a bad present. We do a glance over,push it aside and move on.
I wonder what would happen if we truly took every second, everything that happens in a minute and treated it with admiration. True admiration-true awe. Through the eyes of a child and all that corny stuff. How would we feel? How would we feel about others and really...how would we feel about ourselves if others treated us that way?
But life happens and all it takes is one curve ball to throw us off our gratitude attitude. How quickly that can happen! Like falling off a healthy eating plan or going back to an old habit. Only takes one event and wham.....there we go......
There are people who truly treat life as trash. But do you think they started treating life as trash or someone treated them like trash first? I think the latter. Sad, really. Oh, there are exceptions to that rule but if hurt people didn't hurt people the world would be a better place,don't you think?
But if you don't treat life as trash do you treat it like the gift it is? Do you stop to smile at someone or just say hello? Say Thank You?
I love in the south how so many just wave to each other. A simple wave. But it makes me smile. Maybe southerners take that for granted but if they have ever been anywhere else they would know that doesn't happen everywhere.
Change can be good-a curve ball can be lesson learning. Above all, life is good. It is a gift and in it are many, many, many gifts. Love,laughter, friends,family are the obvious but what about the scenery, the sounds, the creatures,etc. All gifts. Awe inspiring.
Life has been rough for me so far in 2013, at least on one hand, but if I take the attitude of "gift living" there has been so much I have learned/gained/experienced. I could list everything that is a gift to me but I am not, the point is- I do have a list. A list is good-it means I appreciate more then just one or two things in my life.
I am really trying to remember all of the above. I am moving out of my fog,dusting off my knees and palms to pick myself back up so I can get back in the game. Not easy when life has been rough. Not easy when there are days all you want to do is kick dirt and scream.
Now, I know not everyone believes in God or believes as I do. But I really get a kick out of what God creates. What He does. What He can do. Am I happy with all that He makes happen? No way! But I am relearning to trust Him with it all. I have to believe He is doing all kinds of things behind the scenes to make the bad things have meaning to make the good things bring on something even better.He gives me gifts and I need to remember to say Thank You. I need to remember to spot every single gift,every precious moment and to wave. Always wave.
I wonder what would happen if we truly took every second, everything that happens in a minute and treated it with admiration. True admiration-true awe. Through the eyes of a child and all that corny stuff. How would we feel? How would we feel about others and really...how would we feel about ourselves if others treated us that way?
But life happens and all it takes is one curve ball to throw us off our gratitude attitude. How quickly that can happen! Like falling off a healthy eating plan or going back to an old habit. Only takes one event and wham.....there we go......
There are people who truly treat life as trash. But do you think they started treating life as trash or someone treated them like trash first? I think the latter. Sad, really. Oh, there are exceptions to that rule but if hurt people didn't hurt people the world would be a better place,don't you think?
But if you don't treat life as trash do you treat it like the gift it is? Do you stop to smile at someone or just say hello? Say Thank You?
I love in the south how so many just wave to each other. A simple wave. But it makes me smile. Maybe southerners take that for granted but if they have ever been anywhere else they would know that doesn't happen everywhere.
Change can be good-a curve ball can be lesson learning. Above all, life is good. It is a gift and in it are many, many, many gifts. Love,laughter, friends,family are the obvious but what about the scenery, the sounds, the creatures,etc. All gifts. Awe inspiring.
Life has been rough for me so far in 2013, at least on one hand, but if I take the attitude of "gift living" there has been so much I have learned/gained/experienced. I could list everything that is a gift to me but I am not, the point is- I do have a list. A list is good-it means I appreciate more then just one or two things in my life.
I am really trying to remember all of the above. I am moving out of my fog,dusting off my knees and palms to pick myself back up so I can get back in the game. Not easy when life has been rough. Not easy when there are days all you want to do is kick dirt and scream.
Now, I know not everyone believes in God or believes as I do. But I really get a kick out of what God creates. What He does. What He can do. Am I happy with all that He makes happen? No way! But I am relearning to trust Him with it all. I have to believe He is doing all kinds of things behind the scenes to make the bad things have meaning to make the good things bring on something even better.He gives me gifts and I need to remember to say Thank You. I need to remember to spot every single gift,every precious moment and to wave. Always wave.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Not getting to the end of a good book.....how I look at grief
Do you like to read? Could you imagine reading a really excellent book and never getting to read the last few chapters?
That is how I feel about my brother's passing. He will never get to know the ending of the stories of our lives, our families lives. Of course, he doesn't feel this way but I do. It is one of the worst things about grief, doing life without the one you love and being able to share the endings.
I think about several things he was in the middle of or how he will never know how certain things turn out. I talk to him and I tell him things but it is not the same. Events he will miss. How proud of his wife he would be through all of this junk she has to deal with-how her brother has stepped up to the plate, how I will never stop being her "forever sister". Things with my mom...just life, ya know?
He would be so MAD at being gone. I told my husband that and he said Well, who wouldn't hate it? Miserable people, that is who. Luckily many of us aren't miserable and for so many of us we know where we land. The bible clearly states we will know our loved ones in heaven and of course, at that point I won't care about the endings. All I will care about is meeting my God and seeing my loved ones.
But right now it hurts. It is painful and can be agonizing. Grief can be all consuming at moments and then gone the next. It can be joyful to remember one day and knee dropping the next.
When my dad passed I thought I was a know it all when it came to grief. About a year ago and friend's dad was murdered. I cooked a meal and went over there. I said all the "right things". Thought I knew how she felt and tried to impart wisdom. I was clueless to her pain. Totally clueless. Today I still don't think I have the grief she has because of circumstances but I get it more.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my dad tremendously. 4 years ago I lost that great man. But we knew it was coming. His suffering ended. Took me about 2 years to get out of that grief period and some days it is not gone but it is much easier. I am glad he wasn't here for Scott's passing. It would have destroyed him.
I sure hope 2 years from now this pain will have eased. I have learned a lot. I have accepted and expect those days when it is unbearable. But it doesn't change the fact that I would love to share the last few chapters of life with Scott.
If he could get all of his questions answered by God, he would be standing there with pipe in hand and saying to Him Wow-I never would have thought of that! He probably would want to know how certain things were made and he would tell Jesus- Ya know I am a carpenter too. He might even try to say Well, if you may want to try it this way......
I am grateful there is no emotional or physical pain for him. I am grateful of the time we had together on this earth. I am grateful he is my brother. I am grateful that I will see him again when the true final chapter happens,because really that is gonna be one cool ending.
That is how I feel about my brother's passing. He will never get to know the ending of the stories of our lives, our families lives. Of course, he doesn't feel this way but I do. It is one of the worst things about grief, doing life without the one you love and being able to share the endings.
I think about several things he was in the middle of or how he will never know how certain things turn out. I talk to him and I tell him things but it is not the same. Events he will miss. How proud of his wife he would be through all of this junk she has to deal with-how her brother has stepped up to the plate, how I will never stop being her "forever sister". Things with my mom...just life, ya know?
He would be so MAD at being gone. I told my husband that and he said Well, who wouldn't hate it? Miserable people, that is who. Luckily many of us aren't miserable and for so many of us we know where we land. The bible clearly states we will know our loved ones in heaven and of course, at that point I won't care about the endings. All I will care about is meeting my God and seeing my loved ones.
But right now it hurts. It is painful and can be agonizing. Grief can be all consuming at moments and then gone the next. It can be joyful to remember one day and knee dropping the next.
When my dad passed I thought I was a know it all when it came to grief. About a year ago and friend's dad was murdered. I cooked a meal and went over there. I said all the "right things". Thought I knew how she felt and tried to impart wisdom. I was clueless to her pain. Totally clueless. Today I still don't think I have the grief she has because of circumstances but I get it more.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my dad tremendously. 4 years ago I lost that great man. But we knew it was coming. His suffering ended. Took me about 2 years to get out of that grief period and some days it is not gone but it is much easier. I am glad he wasn't here for Scott's passing. It would have destroyed him.
I sure hope 2 years from now this pain will have eased. I have learned a lot. I have accepted and expect those days when it is unbearable. But it doesn't change the fact that I would love to share the last few chapters of life with Scott.
If he could get all of his questions answered by God, he would be standing there with pipe in hand and saying to Him Wow-I never would have thought of that! He probably would want to know how certain things were made and he would tell Jesus- Ya know I am a carpenter too. He might even try to say Well, if you may want to try it this way......
I am grateful there is no emotional or physical pain for him. I am grateful of the time we had together on this earth. I am grateful he is my brother. I am grateful that I will see him again when the true final chapter happens,because really that is gonna be one cool ending.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
What I have learned from my brother's death.....
1. There are friends and then there are FRIENDS.
2. Family become friends and friends become family.
3. Timing of phone calls are never more perfect.
4. There are no perfect phone calls.
5. There are moments and then there are MOMENTS.
6. Laughter can interrupt tears and tears can interrupt laughter.
7. Laughter can come from tears and tears can come from laughter.
8. Memories from the past are bittersweet but memories from the present can be bitter or sweet.
9. Looking too far into the future is disastrous but not looking into the future is dangerous.
10. Honoring my brother with others is honoring my brother. period.
11. A smile can be a smile but if it doesn't reach my eyes just hang with me,it will again.
12. Life is precious,take every moment to enjoy.
13. A supportive husband is one of life's precious gifts. Honor your spouse.
14. Normal is for someone else, a new normal is what we have.
2. Family become friends and friends become family.
3. Timing of phone calls are never more perfect.
4. There are no perfect phone calls.
5. There are moments and then there are MOMENTS.
6. Laughter can interrupt tears and tears can interrupt laughter.
7. Laughter can come from tears and tears can come from laughter.
8. Memories from the past are bittersweet but memories from the present can be bitter or sweet.
9. Looking too far into the future is disastrous but not looking into the future is dangerous.
10. Honoring my brother with others is honoring my brother. period.
11. A smile can be a smile but if it doesn't reach my eyes just hang with me,it will again.
12. Life is precious,take every moment to enjoy.
13. A supportive husband is one of life's precious gifts. Honor your spouse.
14. Normal is for someone else, a new normal is what we have.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Dad would be proud........
This is the anniversary of my dad's passing away and it is never an easy day for me. I miss him so much. I wish he could see my girls and how they are 4 years later.
He would be so proud of Melissa getting accepted into college. He always knew she would go and be successful in whatever career she chooses. I believe it too. He would love to be here at her high school graduation.
He would just love our life here.
He would love to see Jill with her kids. Man, how he would love Bella. He would be proud of Jill for her triumphs. He would approve of her boyfriend. He would be amazed at Ethan and his changes with his autism. Noah would make him laugh.
He would be proud of Mike and I in being the best parents and grandparents we know how to be.
He would be so proud of my brother Scott in how he watches out for his mom and little sister. Scott has tried to think WWBD? What would Bob do LOL Odds are it makes Scott stop in his thoughts and actions. Whatever happens next would make Dad proud.
God, I miss him.
I wish God would let people in heaven see all the good things about the ones they love. To see the milestones. But I am so very thankful God knows what He is doing and people in heaven can not see down here. They wouldn't be able to see the good without feeling sorrow so God didn't make heaven that way. I do not know how to explain when I "feel" my dad's presence or maybe see him in a dream other then God is providing me comfort. I don't need an explanation really. I am just glad to feel it.
While today is not an easy day, it is a day of remembrance. Remember I will. Now and every day after today.
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