Imperfect Moms Are The Best…

 Been thinking a lot about my mom. I think with Mother’s Day coming up, it is a natural occurrence. 

It was easy to point out her flaws, to get angry and frustrated with her. Deep down, I knew she would always love me but as a teen, I wanted to push that boundary.

I wish I could apologize now that I see her in a different light. She was simply an imperfect human. Imperfect mom. Imperfect wife. But who isn’t? She dealt with some issues that a wife and mother shouldn’t have had to, my brothers gave her a run for her money in different times of their lives, as well.  

Outside of abuse or neglect, if someone judges you as an imperfect mom, they just haven’t gotten “it” yet. I think it takes a certain maturity to have that lightbulb moment. 

Growing up until 6th grade, mom was an alcoholic. She got sober December 5, 1975 by entering a rehab for 30 days. However, she was a loving caring mom in spite of her flaws. My teen years were my fault, my choices and her flawed mothering was justified and not her fault.

I was her only daughter. That has really hit me recently. She really wanted to teach me things when I was little, like sewing, gardening and cooking. I never wanted to do those things except help in the kitchen sometimes. How sad she must have felt, that I turned away almost every chance she gave me. We did do some things and had fun family times so I don’t mean to make it sound all terrible. 

As an adult, we did have a good relationship. She could be frustratingly selfish, mean, rude and embarrassing. We had some struggles but she was always there for me when it counted the most.

By the time I realized it was because she was simply an imperfect human and just was working with what she knew, it was too late. 

I can say, as an adult, I was a good daughter. I checked on her almost every day by phone and when she moved here, I took it as an opportunity to show her how much I loved her by my actions. Verbally comes easily, it’s the actions of a child towards their parent, that makes amends. If life goes according to the “natural plan” (which it did in my case) your mom goes before you. At that point, there isn’t a way to work on issues or apologize for anything you have done or to help her be a better person. 

My daughters are quick to point out my flaws. They let me know when I’ve screwed up. Sometimes in a healthy way and sometimes not, but they are as imperfect as I am. 

I’ve told my daughters this is my year of self awareness and I’m really trying to change behaviors that are unhealthy, to try to not do the things they deem are not good for my relationships, including theirs. 

It was hard letting go, as a mom, when they became adults. I’ve come a long way but I have more room to grow. 

My youngest daughter and I have 2 boundaries set up. One is if I go to make something about me, she will say “We aren’t on Sandi FM right now” and it makes me realize what I’m doing and stop. The other is, and this is harder, to not give advice unless she asks. Melissa will say “ I have a life question” that lets me know it’s ok to give advice. I’m one to give advice to anyone who I think might want it. I have come to realize, not everyone does. But it’s so naturally ingrained in me, like it’s part of my DNA, that what it takes to stop giving unsolicited advice is very hard work. I’m learning but again, I’m imperfect. 

My oldest daughter and I have agreed not to have serious conversations in text. Recently, it was probably our 5th time declaring that but we are imperfect. What can I say? I’m a work in progress for my entire life but aren’t we all?

So, if you’re a mom or daughter and you beat yourself, or your mom, up in your thoughts.  Just remember, it is y’all’s  imperfections and that’s ok because you are human and nobody, NOBODY, is perfect. 

If you’re lucky enough to have your mom still with you, cherish those moments. You won’t have the regrets of doing so but you might have regrets of not doing it. 

My mom is/was my mom no matter what and I loved her so very much!!! She was a tough old bird and was as sweet as she was frustrating and I wouldn’t have had her any other way.💖💖💖

Happy Mother’s Day!

Forgiveness Ain’t Easy Peasy

 Reposted from an old blog. 

This is something I can struggle with but only with certain people. Forgiveness. We hear about it a lot in church, read about it in the bible, talk to friends. Yet it seems to be a tough thing for a lot of us to do why is that do you think? Just being human? 

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another,forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
It can't be any clearer can it? I can forgive someone who has done something wrong to me once maybe twice. I have forgiven big and small things. HUGE things throughout my life-abuse,abandonment,betrayal. Small things such as yelling at me when it wasn't my fault,"white lies"etc. 

Yet there are a couple of people in my life that I really really struggle forgiving and here is the kink in the armor-they have not only hurt me but people in my family. That is what I think it comes down, mess with my family- you mess with me. I am very protective of my family it is just a trait I have, my daughters call me "Momma Dukes" when it starts to come out if I am ranting about someone doing them wrong. "Don't make me do a Momma Dukes on them" I'll say(whatever THAT means! LOL) A parent can relate that feeling. But who is really the true protector of my family?
God has forgiven us, I mean Jesus Christ shed His blood for us-so we can be forgiven-can't we shed a few tears towards forgiveness to others? I for one, am really going to work towards it.The bible teaches us to forgive readily and freely. Many times people do things even they don't understand themselves but there is always a reason why people behave the way they do. The same is with us believers, God in Christ forgives our wrongdoings even when we don't know why we did what we did.
Unforgiveness definitely gives Satan the opportunity to taking advantage of us. Unforgiveness leads to a bitterness that will poison us. It will take root until it grows into our attitude,personality, behavior, perspective and even relationships-including our relationship with God.
So as I grow closer to God, walk my walk better- I think forgiveness is in order and what I to remember is FORGAVE-- FOR God GAVE us His one and only Son.

Just breathe....

 Reposted from old blog: from December 2019

Today marks the one year anniversary of my lumpectomy surgery. A year ago, all I was facing was this surgery and some radiation.

Boy that was far from the truth.

A year ago I hadn't been able to catch my breath from my mom passing, my sweet cousin, Judy, passing, my dog having to be put to sleep and the news that I had a half brother I didn't know about. And I still haven't been able to grieve and breathe.

I have been on auto pilot and still am. What happens to me when I am finished with my treatments? Will my grief tumble over me like an ocean wave? Or will I not need to even step into the water? I don't feel like myself prior to diagnosis yet my core is still the same. I already feel kind of lost. 

People think it is all over when you are finished. That you can just get back to "normal". But this is the farthest thing from the truth. I will be on pills for 5 years. I am already looking at a CATScan in March. Side effects from chemo still linger. My toes cramp, My big toenails are sensitive, my hair is slowly coming in, I still have