So I have been thinking lately, which is a dangerous thing for me sometimes. :)
Let me back up a minute....
We were attending a church here in the next town over and things were going well for awhile. When we felt it was time to move on we did. I felt like I wanted one in my town.
We found another one in our town,while I jumped in with both feet,Mike was hesitant to do so. After awhile it became apparent to me that my family was not going to embrace this church like I was so I had to make the painful choice of leaving.
Fast forward to now( over a year later) and my dangerous habit of thinking. We have not committed to another church. We attended one. Once. We have revisited the first church at holidays. I have realized I have become the christian I strived very hard not to be for many years.
I would say it was mainly a bad habit that formed and not putting God first but also situations have prevented us from going as well. Today,after talking to my friend about her walk, I got a little real with myself.
I am still mad at God for my brother passing away. How do I honor and glorify someone who I am intensely mad at? How do I put him first? I know WHY I should. But how. Nope, not feeling it. A lot of my joy died that night with him. Hard to go to church when you are not feeling joyful or are suppose to honor someone who is the main purpose for being there.
I have to acknowledge it..boy am I still pissed off!!
Now, here is some good news. I have friends and family who are steadfast in their faith. I quietly watch them. I'm like a non christian who is contemplating this life...this wonderful christian life.
I am so blessed to have warriors in my life. To have people that their faith is holding me up. Their walk is my reminder of who my guiding light. I know that just because I am ticked, it is not an all or nothing deal. I still believe. I still know what I know. I know the reality of things. I know what my faith believes in. I know. I know. I know.
I am grateful for a God who doesn't love me conditionally. I am grateful to have this hard shell around my heart crack some today. I hope it doesn't seal up. I am grateful for being able to watch people who have lived through far far worse and/or living through it now and they are amazing. Their faith, their walk is what keeps me going step by step.
Yup, I am still mad. But I admit it. That is a step in the right direction.
Thanks for letting me share,
S
Hard to go to church when you are not feeling joyful or are suppose to honor someone who is the main purpose for being there.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. That's a tough one. A few thoughts from a middle-aged cupcake:
Mary saw her son wrongly accused, tortured and crucified. I can think of no greater pain. No where does the bible say that Mary expressed anger at God. Why? Perhaps because she knew this was His plan. This was His will. She gracefully accepted it, knowing that one day she will see her son again in a much better place than here.
With that said, the loss you have suffered surely can not be discounted. I can not imagine dealing with what happened to your family. Just the thought of it pains me, the reality would be unbearable.
Not long ago I was going through a very difficult time. One which seemed would never pass. One day, as I was kneeling on the floor with my head to my knees, crying in pain, I thought of the passage - give thanks in all circumstances. I was certainly not prepared to give thanks for this excruciating pain I was in. But I tried it. I cried out - I don't know why I'm going through this, I don't understand this, but thank you Lord for this experience. What ever reason you have for this experience and pain, I thank you. Thank you, Lord, my Father.
I can't explain what happened next. There was a transformation in my heart. I felt a peace that I was certain could not enter me at that moment. I realized, this is His will. The pruning Hand of God was upon me. I may never know why it happened, but I do know that 1) it made me stronger and 2) it brought me closer to God. I was thankful.
The Lord did not take your brother to punish you or hurt you. It was simply His will. It was His time to bring Scott home. In this, there is the opportunity to allow Him to comfort you. He wants to console you, embrace you and hold you. As children of God we are often rebellious against Him (I know I am at times). This is my own immaturity and selfishness (not implying that is what it is for you). I have learned to allow my heavenly Father to hold, comfort and protect me. My rebellion hurts me - and Him I assume. I see it in my own children. When they don't allow me to console them, it hurts.
It is so difficult for our finite minds to understand the Master Plan. That is what Faith is all about. Trusting.
For me, anger is a defense. It's easier to be angry than vulnerable. Vulnerability is painful - but - it's the beginning of healing. There is no healing with anger. The old adage "Change your perspective, change your life" says a great deal. You are punishing yourself with your anger. You've hurt enough...you do not need anymore pain - self-inflicted or otherwise.
I applaud your honesty, self-awareness and your ability to express. Very unique qualities, indeed.
Blessing to you, my friend. May you find peace in your pain, comfort through your loss and the ability to give thanks in all circumstances.
Love and Light,
D
I love you,D. thanks for your thoughts!
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