My mom aka lilpip

Over the last 5 years I have shared many stories with all of you (on Facebook)  about my mom. We nicknamed her Pip because my mother in law uses that word to describe people who are a character. So the hashtags have been #lilpip or #mypip
So many of you have told me how much you love her stories, her shenanigans and my humor while going on her journey through Parkinson’s and dementia.
This adventure has been healing, fun, rewarding, frustrating, heartbreaking and life consuming. Bittersweet rolled into one big ball.
We are entering a new stage in our pip’s life. Over the last couple of months her dementia slowly has declined and she started having some involuntary head movements. She is doing PT to try to get strength back into her legs and she is stronger during the first part of the day. She is also more clear headed the first part of the day.
Over the last few weeks her involuntary movements have increased to her head rolling back, side to side, eyes rolling around and she arches her back over and over. She is missing her mouth when she eats, with food getting all over her and everywhere else. Her dignity is gone and for someone who always had to look impeccable before leaving the house, this is hard to watch.
We knew before leaving on our cruise that memory care was in her future. When we got home it became apparent that we were not going to be able to afford to move her into the memory care side of where she currently lives. They tried to help us with a reduction of price but she just couldn’t afford it. We have found  a new place for her to move into and it is a brand new facility.  It will also save me about 40 minutes of driving time round trip!
Mike and I went yesterday to talk to her about it and she was very agreeable. I’m not sure if she will remember we told her so I’ll have to reinforce it to her every few days. Mike was shocked at the decline that has happened since he hasn’t been there in a couple of weeks.  I have chosen not to tell her it is memory care and if I have to deal with that at a later time than I will.
This is the harsh side of Parkinson’s. It’s sad. It’s heart breaking to watch. There is a theory that she may have suffered a minor stroke that got overlooked but no proof of it.
I just want to say I appreciate all of you for letting me know how much you love her and the stories of her antics!
Humor has gotten me through but there may not be as  many humorous stories to share. You all know me and I am ALWAYS looking for the humor and silver lining in every situation.
I want to start blogging about this life adventure in the hopes that someday someone will be going through this type of journey and know they are not alone. So my stories here on out may not always be upbeat. But I’ve promised not to lose my humor so I’m sure I’ll be giving you some giggles along the way.
I have said all along mom is like a cat and has 9 lives! Gosh, remember when she had pneumonia and the facility didn’t send the DNR over to the ER and they intubated her in error?? She was in ICU and we really thought she was gone. How many times have I asked for prayers as she was heading to the ER?
She is  one tough cookie and this is just another bump in the road of #lilpip’s life.❤️

There To Here- Don't Blink

I was on the phone with an old friend yesterday and she jokingly said "How did we get HERE?"
Here meaning in our early to mid 50s.
At one point in life you are talking with your friends about barbies and The Brady Bunch, Then boys and parties. It changes to college choices, complaining about rent prices, marriage, babies and jobs.
Somehow it leaps forward and it turns to our teens getting their licenses, proms and college applications.

At a blink of an eye our discussions change with friends. It is our kids weddings, grand babies, and making money stretch to enjoy retirement. We laugh at "leakage", cry at death and complain about aches and pains. We say things like "They will understand when they get our age". Or "Yup, I used to think that way, too".

We start to really, really realize we are not immortal. We have had loved ones die, some are parents and others are just simply too damn young to have left us in the middle of life's journey.
It might seem weird but I think about when I will die. I don't want to go too soon and I don't want to get too old, either.
We don't get to choose, though do we? And even if we said Ok, I want to die when I'm 75, getting from here to there will be so quick that we would probably change our minds. Honestly, 75 doesn't feel that far away,

I wonder what we will talk about then? Hopefully, it is what is being served in the dining room and when is bingo. My mom is no longer in touch with any friends except for my friend, Jane, that she considers as a second daughter. She just has it in her head when she moved that was that. It makes me sad that she is missing out on one of life's joys. Having friends to say-Remember when?

This post wasn't meant to be so serious! I started out with it in my mind, my conversation with my friend and reflection on how interesting it was that the topics change with age.

But reflection is never a bad thing, I don't think.
I had to let go of so many regrets and wrong doings done to me or by me. Life is simply too short. It just rushes by us that by the time you are over a half a century old, you realize Wow-we are HERE.
We are here because we are blessed. Because we survived ourselves.  We are meant to impart wisdom to the younger generation. Odds are they won't listen to us or maybe they are smarter? Doesn't matter, when they get here-they will be talking about the same things we are.

I reflect back to how much our world has changed, how much we have made progress in life. Yet, man, are we still so far away from getting anywhere or what?
The hate is so rampant, the judgments, the discrimination. Why are these issues so slow and our time is so fast? We have had so many adults go from there to here. There to here. And yet we can not get our act together enough to simply love people because they are humans? If people can't love people, we will stay a mess.

So, I will just continue to go from here to there, to have faith in human mankind, and to remember to be kind.

Laughter is the best medicine. Do it til you leak,

Gorillas, Bad Parents and Judgments Galore-- OH MY!

I have kept my opinion on the topic of the young child falling into the gorilla area a few days ago to myself.  I have read so many articles, posts, comments and blogs on the story that I now can't hold in my unsolicited opinion any longer.

What has amazed me the most is how many people are saying what a bad mom this mom is for not watching her child better. For argument sake let's say 1/4 (this is really low balling how many I truly think) of those people don't have kids- so what they say really has no relevance in this matter If you don't have any idea of what it is like to parent a toddler you really shouldn't have an opinion. It would be like me telling a runway model what they did wrong. Pointless.

There are variations of what the mom was doing- taking pictures- watching her other kids-whatever-her eyes were not on her child. GASP! So this means the other 3/4 of these judging people have their children in their eye sight at all times. Seriously, these people have never sneezed, took a picture, had their attention diverted from one child to another, never ever had a distraction during their time as parents?

We have no idea how quick this boy can get away from his mom-some are smooth movers and get out of reach very fast. Haven't these judging people had their child run quickly away? Surely they have stories of their own kids, climbing stairs before they realized, picking up a knife or scissors that they thought was put away, climbing a bookshelf, on top of the chair, out of their crib, coloring on the wall, on and on and on. No, their child didn't go to play with a gorilla (count your blessings instead doling out judgments)

I have read many parents say if I am taking pictures my child is in the picture. That is a great way to keep on eye on your kids! I never thought of that before- I would take some of the animals by themselves. Shame on me. Now, I am counting my blessings neither of my girls wanted to be one with the animals.

I have read people say nothing would stop them from going in the area to get their child. Ok. I would jump in front of a car , go into a fire,etc for my kids and grand kids. I would want to climb into the area as well. But I am not built in a way that my body could go through the opening a small child could get through. Have you seen the mom? She isn't a Tinkerbell size,either. Not many parents are. Maybe she wanted to do just that-can you imagine the anguish she was feeling not being able to physically go and get her child? No one knows what she is thinking yet so many want to judge her for yelling down to her kid trying to comfort the only way she could.

Could the mom have done a better job in that moment? Maybe. Let me count the ways I could have done better in a moment as well........

As far as all the animal "experts" out there-well unless they are truly a highly trained expert those opinions matter not. There is no way you can know if he was protecting or going in for a kill. I do know that in the 80s, overseas, a little boy fell into a gorilla area and one gorilla did protect that boy by guarding him from the other gorillas. GUARDED him. He even put his hand on the boys back in a protective manner. When the boy started crying and screaming he ran off. There was no dragging of the boy,cornering the boy or isolating him. Sure sounds different from what we all saw in the recent video.

I have seen comments about how dare they kill Harambe, an endangered species now MORE endangered! Well, not quite true. They have his sperm. They will make a baby gorilla and the world will ohh and ahhh over it when it is born. The experts handled it in the best way possible, even though they were going to have to kill a beloved animal, to save a small child. Human vs animal. Simple.The heartbreak the employees of the zoo must feel is terrible. They lost someone they loved. Very sad day for them.

Do I judge others at times? Sure- I am human. I don't hate on others when I do judge. I reel myself in and realize my mistake of judging (most of the time). The mom is just a human as well. One that will hug her son tighter and make better choices in the future, hopefully.

I believe things happen in life to wake us up. God needs to get our attention and thump us on the head. Maybe this was one of those moments without drastic consequences. I hope so for the little boy's sake.

I hope maybe it is a lesson for all the "super parents" out there when their time comes to have a "moment" because, obviously, they haven't had one yet.

Thoughts on Being a Parent of an Adult Child.......

Yesterday I was talking with a friend about the relationship between a parent and an adult child. This relationship is truly a balancing act of what I have done since the day they were born to the day my parenting goal has been completed. Now, I am not talking about the relationship with the adult child who still lives at home. That is another set of rules for another day. :) I'm still in the figuring out stage but am learning quicker with Melissa.

For me the parenting goal is to get them raised so they are able to function in the world on their own. Isn't that what every parent wants? We want them out, on their own, handling their lives so we can have our own lives.

Yet the struggle can be real in letting them go to fly on their own.

In  this conversation with my friend I shared the moment for me when I had to realize I no longer needed to butt into my adult child's life. She had bought her first home at 29. I suggested she get a credit card for emergencies only. Which was a perfectly logical suggestion but I crossed the line and said "You should let Mike and I hold it so you don't use it for other things". Well, I got the firing squad! Not only from her but from Mike and Melissa as well. That was THE moment for me when I knew I needed to let go.

Our relationship had evolved over time mostly by her doing anyway. Slowly, she learned to say to me "Mom, I got this" or "Mom, that's none of your business". She isn't rude about it but I do believe each time she was able to say it to me, her voice,, and her, grew a little stronger. So over the last few years she was trying to be the adult that I wanted her to be but my response time in catching up to her was a little slow.

 Jill and I are friends now. We do things together and we share about our lives with each other. She will want her mom when she is sick or something is wrong. Her mom will always be there. But most of her life is on a need to know basis and she will let me know when I need to know!

After my conversation yesterday with my friend, Jill and I had an open talk about our relationship and how we each have grown. It was nice to acknowledge where we used to be to where we are today.

A few months ago, another friend was telling me all the things she was going to do to help her daughter get settled into her new place, including all the organizational items she bought to make sure she was organized. It drained me. I blurted out loud- " This is nothing against you when I say this-I must be a terrible mom because I could really care less about those things in my daughter's life". I would never think of even trying to do it. I really felt like I was disconnected from my child. I wondered what was wrong with me!

But I have learned since then that we are just in two different points in our cutting of the apron strings. Mine started fraying way before this conversation and she still needed to do some cutting. It isn't that I am a terrible mom or that there was something wrong with our relationship, it is because our relationship had already shifted into the roles of friends and not parent/child. I could care less about my friends closets and that is the category Jill is in

Adult children will make mistakes, they will have triumphs and failures. They are not ours and are no reflection of us as their parents. We have our own triumphs and failures. They deserve theirs. We have no right to them.

Obviously, if there was something detrimental going on with one of them or my grandchildren I would intervene.

But I TRUST my children- I trust/taught them to enjoy their successes. I trust/taught them to let me know when they need me, I trust/taught them to fix their own mistakes,

So, while I was still trying to catch up, Jill was already laying the ground work. It isn't just the parent that needs to change, the adult child needs to as well. They need to be able to say "I got this" and one day, eventually, we realized they do have it.

Let your adult child come to you when they want to share. Let them live their life the way they want to and above all just be there when they ask you to be.

 If you are an adult child it may be time for you to start fraying the strings a bit if your parent(s) are too involved in your life. You can do it without causing resentment or distance. After all, you are an adult and your parents raised you up. Let them have the gift of not having to do so any more.

My parenting in the flesh is over. I can parent in the spirit. I can pray that God will do what I can not do. Which is a wonderful thing because I truly want to live my life and not my children's lives. I have done that long enough. ;-) They wouldn't have it any other way.

Fifty Schmifty.......

Most of you don't know that I absolutely dreaded...DREADED...turning 50. I mean it was an actual fear and panic feeling. I knew it was irrational but I couldn't move passed it.

I know it might stem from Scott dying when he was 50 and that while I am secure for what happens when I die, I don't want to die yet.

I shared this with a friend of mine and she said the best thing anyone could have said to me. She said Yes Scott died but Steve is a few years away from 60 and in spite of his lifestyle he is still alive.

That was a AH HA moment for me. The depression lifted and I decided to embrace it, Had a wonderful birthday!

I decided to find an old friend whose birthday is the day after mine. We lost touch through the years but she was always special to me. I had looked for her over the years and never could find her in the state she had moved. So I decided to put in the state of Maryland with her name(that is where we grew up) Well, she passed away several years ago. Sighhhh..... so I was able to find her sister and had a great talk with her about what happened.

Yesterday I decided to look up another friend who was such a wonderful friend and while we each moved away from VA we stayed in touch for a bit. As life has it tho we lost touch. I google her name and found out she died last year. DOUBLE Sighhhh....

This morning I called a friend of mine to let her know about our friend passing and we had a great conversation even though we hadn't talked in years(other then Facebook). It was nice to catch up and she always makes me smile.

I am feeling better about 50. Life feels good right now and I am enjoying it. One day I will die. I have no clue how,where or when. None of us do. But if I waste my 50's worrying about it all the time then what is the point of being in my 50's? Life is meant to live not meant to worry about when it ends.

Friends come in and out of our lives for a season. We enjoy them during that time and sometimes we depart ways for no reason...just life. The friends I have now are such a great group of friends. Enjoying our 50's together is going to be the best thing because I got to enjoy most of my 40's with them.

The point of this blog? I'm not sure other then to say I am ok for today. I am ok with being 50. I am blessed with family,friends and activities. Life happens. We continue on, things and people change but that is what makes life....well life.

Embrace. Enjoy.Find peace and comfort through my God. Maybe that is the point of this blog. To realize that is how I am going to try to live life. Life to the fullest. I might not be climbing actual mountains or able to travel to see the world but I can share love, compassion, humor with anyone who God puts in my path. Even if it is for a season.

What is your "Definition"?

I can't believe it has been since Jan that I blogged! I write posts tho when in idea comes to mind and this past week one had started formulating. What defines me?

I have been thinking this past week about events that have happened in my life. Do they define me? Do they make me who I am as an adult? Or do I, as an adult, make choices that define me? I already had these thoughts and knew I was going to blog about it when I went to Kroger the other day. I was in the card aisle and this lady was standing there looking at birthday cards for dads. I was looking for a card and had seen the birthday cards for brothers. There was one that reminded me of my brother,Scott. It had to dog like characters and one had his finger out just barely touching the other one and it says "Is this bothering you?" over and over then you open card and it says Happy Memories. This choked me up so bad- because my brother used to do that to me but he would say "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you!" It hit me in that moment that I will never be able to give him a birthday card again. And such a perfect card like that one just almost had me unglued but I hear the lady behind me sniffling so I turn and ask if she is OK. She was standing there crying saying she was buying a birthday card for her step dad and she wished it was for her dad because he passed away. I talked with her for a few minutes, comforting her about her grief and when we parted ways it came to mind that it is moments like that in which I am defined.

I could have ignored her crying, I could have gone deep into my grief with her or standing there alone but instead I was able to reach out to her in that moment. I was able to step away from the past, be in the moment and do what I know how to do best. Show love to others. So, this really got me thinking on the way home about how our life is defined. For years I was a victim by someone else's definition, including my own. For years I blamed things in my past for how I am, who I am today. In  that moment, this past Saturday I decided I wasn't going to do that, I was going to love myself not to have titles of my past be my definition. Because it was a busy day, I never had a chance to blog, thoughts still swirling around in my head.

Then I went to church this morning. Here is the scripture from church:

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. ~ Isaiah 43:18 


WHAT!!???!!! The pastor is talking in the beginning about what defines you. I mean, I was like....ummm heck yea-additional blog material!! Just kidding-- I was actually stunned. God was showing me something here and I need to hang on for the ride! So, it was a confirmation that I was heading in the right direction for sure.

Then I had to pee. This is an important fact. Trust me.

So I am standing in line for the bathroom and I look at the lady next to me. I realize she is a woman on Facebook who, along with her husband, does life coaching including weight loss and fitness. I have been looking at their pages over the last few days and even had mentioned it to my husband that I might email them regarding a mentor group they are doing. They are looking for 10 people to mentor but I never wrote the email and the deadline was up.
But because I realized who she was I said Are you Kim? She said yes and I just gushed. No, not pee. But I had told her I had thought about writing the email,etc I'm bad about remember faces so I was surprised I knew who she was and what a God thing to meet her. She told me I should totally write her an email.

So we go on our way until I step out of the bathroom and she is waiting there with her husband. She said I wanted to introduce you to Richard and you tell him what you said. So I did and he takes out his phone and says I want to take a picture of you two and we will post it on Facebook as our first member of the group!

WHAT!!!???!!!!

I started tearing up-this was an incredible moment for me. They decided it was my "before" picture. So there is no turning back now!

God probably is thinking- I had to thump you over the head to get where I was leading you to!! Take a hint!

These people are going to help me change my life. I feel it. I know it. There will be no excuses and while I am doing the work, they and God will be beside me-guiding me. Changing me. So I can live out my purpose in life. My definition.

Empowered Cravings........

This post is totally amazing that it happens to be my first blog post of the new year.
I have started a new online bible study this week called Made to Crave. It is based on the book of same name written by Lysa Terkeurst. The idea of the book is that we are all made to crave God yet we tend to crave and give attention to other things over Him.  For some it may be alcohol or drugs, others it may be attention or sex or food. Some where along our lives we made those a priority forgetting who really is craving our attention. Desiring our love, wanting to spend time with us. God's love is amazing, isn't it?

He waits patiently for us as we reach for whatever it is we want,whatever it is that in no way,shape or form will ever love us back.

Isn't that such a waste of time and energy and.....life? To focus on and desire things that will never ever love us back?

So as I am learning and growing this week I am focusing on our word for the week, which is Empowered. I am totally a geek and have this word printed out and plastered on my fridge.

Empower means to give power to or authorize to.....  why would I want to give my power over to something or someone other then myself or my maker? I truly wouldn't want to but doesn't mean I don't.My power has been given over to various people, memories, actions, alcohol,drugs, men,food and attitudes my whole life.

Yet this week....this week a small amount of hope. A light starting to shine through....just a nibbling of....ya know...just what if I kept my power? What if, instead of giving into cravings for whatever it is that I am desiring, that I pause and pray? Just stop.Just pray. Right where I am. My cravings will change. My thought process changes. I start to feel....well empowered!

Psalms 84:2 (NIV):

My soul yearns, even faints,

    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.

Empowered to me is such a strong word. It brings up images of strong people, of people who have conquered, maybe risen from the ashes to survive to share their story. Of important people. People with power. But I am realizing that while yes, those people are empowered so are many others. They don't have to be strong forces to be empowered.They just have to know one thing. They can empower themselves. I can empower myself. I, personally, like to have God help me be empowered. I am craving Him to help me in this journey.

I heard Elizabeth Vargas(ABC anchorwoman) speaking today about her alcoholism recovery. She said she learned that you need to feel your feelings, they won't kill you. I loved that thought.

Pray.Feel.Empower. Survive.Repeat.