Just a ramble....

We had family here for Thanksgiving week  and I was able, for the most part, to forget about my cancer diagnosis.
Then Tuesday came. I got a call to remind me of my radiation oncologist appointment, my breast surgeon called to discuss more pathology reports to tell me what the tumor board discussed and ask how I was on processing everything, American Cancer Society sent me some brochures. And just like that- back to reality.

I’m scared and I want this all to go away.

I want someone else to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and no one can but me.

I’m thankful it’s not worse.

I’m thankful for my team of doctors.

I hear words like oncologist and tumor board and my heart breaks all over again for what my cousin, Judy, went through. How scared and overwhelmed she must have been in the beginning. How I wish she was here now. I miss her so much. She faced a much worse cancer than I am dealing with and I feel humbled by her all over again.
I’m mad at myself for not being there more for Judy, for not giving her an opportunity to let her guard down and be more vulnerable with me.

I’m angry that I have 5 years of the unknown. Of the side effects that will occur from the treatments that lay ahead.

Tomorrow is the radiation oncologist appointment and I’ll know then if my decision will be made for me because I can’t have radiation or if I can then I do believe I know the route I’ll go.

I guess I’m just feeling angry.
Sad.
Grateful.
Overwhelmed.
Scared.

I’m a hot mess and that’s ok.