Thoughts on Being a Parent of an Adult Child.......

Yesterday I was talking with a friend about the relationship between a parent and an adult child. This relationship is truly a balancing act of what I have done since the day they were born to the day my parenting goal has been completed. Now, I am not talking about the relationship with the adult child who still lives at home. That is another set of rules for another day. :) I'm still in the figuring out stage but am learning quicker with Melissa.

For me the parenting goal is to get them raised so they are able to function in the world on their own. Isn't that what every parent wants? We want them out, on their own, handling their lives so we can have our own lives.

Yet the struggle can be real in letting them go to fly on their own.

In  this conversation with my friend I shared the moment for me when I had to realize I no longer needed to butt into my adult child's life. She had bought her first home at 29. I suggested she get a credit card for emergencies only. Which was a perfectly logical suggestion but I crossed the line and said "You should let Mike and I hold it so you don't use it for other things". Well, I got the firing squad! Not only from her but from Mike and Melissa as well. That was THE moment for me when I knew I needed to let go.

Our relationship had evolved over time mostly by her doing anyway. Slowly, she learned to say to me "Mom, I got this" or "Mom, that's none of your business". She isn't rude about it but I do believe each time she was able to say it to me, her voice,, and her, grew a little stronger. So over the last few years she was trying to be the adult that I wanted her to be but my response time in catching up to her was a little slow.

 Jill and I are friends now. We do things together and we share about our lives with each other. She will want her mom when she is sick or something is wrong. Her mom will always be there. But most of her life is on a need to know basis and she will let me know when I need to know!

After my conversation yesterday with my friend, Jill and I had an open talk about our relationship and how we each have grown. It was nice to acknowledge where we used to be to where we are today.

A few months ago, another friend was telling me all the things she was going to do to help her daughter get settled into her new place, including all the organizational items she bought to make sure she was organized. It drained me. I blurted out loud- " This is nothing against you when I say this-I must be a terrible mom because I could really care less about those things in my daughter's life". I would never think of even trying to do it. I really felt like I was disconnected from my child. I wondered what was wrong with me!

But I have learned since then that we are just in two different points in our cutting of the apron strings. Mine started fraying way before this conversation and she still needed to do some cutting. It isn't that I am a terrible mom or that there was something wrong with our relationship, it is because our relationship had already shifted into the roles of friends and not parent/child. I could care less about my friends closets and that is the category Jill is in

Adult children will make mistakes, they will have triumphs and failures. They are not ours and are no reflection of us as their parents. We have our own triumphs and failures. They deserve theirs. We have no right to them.

Obviously, if there was something detrimental going on with one of them or my grandchildren I would intervene.

But I TRUST my children- I trust/taught them to enjoy their successes. I trust/taught them to let me know when they need me, I trust/taught them to fix their own mistakes,

So, while I was still trying to catch up, Jill was already laying the ground work. It isn't just the parent that needs to change, the adult child needs to as well. They need to be able to say "I got this" and one day, eventually, we realized they do have it.

Let your adult child come to you when they want to share. Let them live their life the way they want to and above all just be there when they ask you to be.

 If you are an adult child it may be time for you to start fraying the strings a bit if your parent(s) are too involved in your life. You can do it without causing resentment or distance. After all, you are an adult and your parents raised you up. Let them have the gift of not having to do so any more.

My parenting in the flesh is over. I can parent in the spirit. I can pray that God will do what I can not do. Which is a wonderful thing because I truly want to live my life and not my children's lives. I have done that long enough. ;-) They wouldn't have it any other way.

Fifty Schmifty.......

Most of you don't know that I absolutely dreaded...DREADED...turning 50. I mean it was an actual fear and panic feeling. I knew it was irrational but I couldn't move passed it.

I know it might stem from Scott dying when he was 50 and that while I am secure for what happens when I die, I don't want to die yet.

I shared this with a friend of mine and she said the best thing anyone could have said to me. She said Yes Scott died but Steve is a few years away from 60 and in spite of his lifestyle he is still alive.

That was a AH HA moment for me. The depression lifted and I decided to embrace it, Had a wonderful birthday!

I decided to find an old friend whose birthday is the day after mine. We lost touch through the years but she was always special to me. I had looked for her over the years and never could find her in the state she had moved. So I decided to put in the state of Maryland with her name(that is where we grew up) Well, she passed away several years ago. Sighhhh..... so I was able to find her sister and had a great talk with her about what happened.

Yesterday I decided to look up another friend who was such a wonderful friend and while we each moved away from VA we stayed in touch for a bit. As life has it tho we lost touch. I google her name and found out she died last year. DOUBLE Sighhhh....

This morning I called a friend of mine to let her know about our friend passing and we had a great conversation even though we hadn't talked in years(other then Facebook). It was nice to catch up and she always makes me smile.

I am feeling better about 50. Life feels good right now and I am enjoying it. One day I will die. I have no clue how,where or when. None of us do. But if I waste my 50's worrying about it all the time then what is the point of being in my 50's? Life is meant to live not meant to worry about when it ends.

Friends come in and out of our lives for a season. We enjoy them during that time and sometimes we depart ways for no reason...just life. The friends I have now are such a great group of friends. Enjoying our 50's together is going to be the best thing because I got to enjoy most of my 40's with them.

The point of this blog? I'm not sure other then to say I am ok for today. I am ok with being 50. I am blessed with family,friends and activities. Life happens. We continue on, things and people change but that is what makes life....well life.

Embrace. Enjoy.Find peace and comfort through my God. Maybe that is the point of this blog. To realize that is how I am going to try to live life. Life to the fullest. I might not be climbing actual mountains or able to travel to see the world but I can share love, compassion, humor with anyone who God puts in my path. Even if it is for a season.

What is your "Definition"?

I can't believe it has been since Jan that I blogged! I write posts tho when in idea comes to mind and this past week one had started formulating. What defines me?

I have been thinking this past week about events that have happened in my life. Do they define me? Do they make me who I am as an adult? Or do I, as an adult, make choices that define me? I already had these thoughts and knew I was going to blog about it when I went to Kroger the other day. I was in the card aisle and this lady was standing there looking at birthday cards for dads. I was looking for a card and had seen the birthday cards for brothers. There was one that reminded me of my brother,Scott. It had to dog like characters and one had his finger out just barely touching the other one and it says "Is this bothering you?" over and over then you open card and it says Happy Memories. This choked me up so bad- because my brother used to do that to me but he would say "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you!" It hit me in that moment that I will never be able to give him a birthday card again. And such a perfect card like that one just almost had me unglued but I hear the lady behind me sniffling so I turn and ask if she is OK. She was standing there crying saying she was buying a birthday card for her step dad and she wished it was for her dad because he passed away. I talked with her for a few minutes, comforting her about her grief and when we parted ways it came to mind that it is moments like that in which I am defined.

I could have ignored her crying, I could have gone deep into my grief with her or standing there alone but instead I was able to reach out to her in that moment. I was able to step away from the past, be in the moment and do what I know how to do best. Show love to others. So, this really got me thinking on the way home about how our life is defined. For years I was a victim by someone else's definition, including my own. For years I blamed things in my past for how I am, who I am today. In  that moment, this past Saturday I decided I wasn't going to do that, I was going to love myself not to have titles of my past be my definition. Because it was a busy day, I never had a chance to blog, thoughts still swirling around in my head.

Then I went to church this morning. Here is the scripture from church:

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. ~ Isaiah 43:18 


WHAT!!???!!! The pastor is talking in the beginning about what defines you. I mean, I was like....ummm heck yea-additional blog material!! Just kidding-- I was actually stunned. God was showing me something here and I need to hang on for the ride! So, it was a confirmation that I was heading in the right direction for sure.

Then I had to pee. This is an important fact. Trust me.

So I am standing in line for the bathroom and I look at the lady next to me. I realize she is a woman on Facebook who, along with her husband, does life coaching including weight loss and fitness. I have been looking at their pages over the last few days and even had mentioned it to my husband that I might email them regarding a mentor group they are doing. They are looking for 10 people to mentor but I never wrote the email and the deadline was up.
But because I realized who she was I said Are you Kim? She said yes and I just gushed. No, not pee. But I had told her I had thought about writing the email,etc I'm bad about remember faces so I was surprised I knew who she was and what a God thing to meet her. She told me I should totally write her an email.

So we go on our way until I step out of the bathroom and she is waiting there with her husband. She said I wanted to introduce you to Richard and you tell him what you said. So I did and he takes out his phone and says I want to take a picture of you two and we will post it on Facebook as our first member of the group!

WHAT!!!???!!!!

I started tearing up-this was an incredible moment for me. They decided it was my "before" picture. So there is no turning back now!

God probably is thinking- I had to thump you over the head to get where I was leading you to!! Take a hint!

These people are going to help me change my life. I feel it. I know it. There will be no excuses and while I am doing the work, they and God will be beside me-guiding me. Changing me. So I can live out my purpose in life. My definition.

Empowered Cravings........

This post is totally amazing that it happens to be my first blog post of the new year.
I have started a new online bible study this week called Made to Crave. It is based on the book of same name written by Lysa Terkeurst. The idea of the book is that we are all made to crave God yet we tend to crave and give attention to other things over Him.  For some it may be alcohol or drugs, others it may be attention or sex or food. Some where along our lives we made those a priority forgetting who really is craving our attention. Desiring our love, wanting to spend time with us. God's love is amazing, isn't it?

He waits patiently for us as we reach for whatever it is we want,whatever it is that in no way,shape or form will ever love us back.

Isn't that such a waste of time and energy and.....life? To focus on and desire things that will never ever love us back?

So as I am learning and growing this week I am focusing on our word for the week, which is Empowered. I am totally a geek and have this word printed out and plastered on my fridge.

Empower means to give power to or authorize to.....  why would I want to give my power over to something or someone other then myself or my maker? I truly wouldn't want to but doesn't mean I don't.My power has been given over to various people, memories, actions, alcohol,drugs, men,food and attitudes my whole life.

Yet this week....this week a small amount of hope. A light starting to shine through....just a nibbling of....ya know...just what if I kept my power? What if, instead of giving into cravings for whatever it is that I am desiring, that I pause and pray? Just stop.Just pray. Right where I am. My cravings will change. My thought process changes. I start to feel....well empowered!

Psalms 84:2 (NIV):

My soul yearns, even faints,

    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.

Empowered to me is such a strong word. It brings up images of strong people, of people who have conquered, maybe risen from the ashes to survive to share their story. Of important people. People with power. But I am realizing that while yes, those people are empowered so are many others. They don't have to be strong forces to be empowered.They just have to know one thing. They can empower themselves. I can empower myself. I, personally, like to have God help me be empowered. I am craving Him to help me in this journey.

I heard Elizabeth Vargas(ABC anchorwoman) speaking today about her alcoholism recovery. She said she learned that you need to feel your feelings, they won't kill you. I loved that thought.

Pray.Feel.Empower. Survive.Repeat.

Yup, still mad at God....

So I have been thinking lately, which is a dangerous thing for me sometimes. :)

Let me back up a minute....
We were attending a church here in the next town over and things were going well for awhile. When we felt it was time to move on we did. I felt like I wanted one in my town.

We found another one in our town,while I jumped in with both feet,Mike was hesitant to do so. After awhile it became apparent to me that my family was not going to embrace this church like I was so I had to make the painful choice of leaving.

Fast forward to now( over a year later) and my dangerous habit of thinking. We have not committed to another church. We attended one. Once. We have revisited the first church at holidays. I have realized I have become the christian I strived very hard not to be for many years.

I would say it was mainly a bad habit that formed and not putting God first but also situations have prevented us from going as well. Today,after talking to my friend about her walk, I got a little real with myself.

I am still mad at God for my brother passing away. How do I honor and glorify someone who I am intensely mad at? How do I put him first? I know WHY I should. But how. Nope, not feeling it. A lot of my joy died that night with him. Hard to go to church when you are not feeling joyful or are suppose to honor someone who is the main purpose for being there.

I have to acknowledge it..boy am I still pissed off!!

Now, here is some good news. I have friends and family who are steadfast in their faith. I quietly watch them. I'm like a non christian who is contemplating this life...this wonderful christian life.
I am so blessed to have warriors in my life. To have people that their faith is holding me up. Their walk is my reminder of who my guiding light. I know that just because I am ticked, it is not an all or nothing deal. I still believe. I still know what I know. I know the reality of things. I know what my faith believes in. I know. I know. I know.

I am grateful for a God who doesn't love me conditionally. I am grateful to have this hard shell around my heart crack some today. I hope it doesn't seal up. I am grateful for being able to watch people who have lived through far far worse and/or living through it now and they are amazing. Their faith, their walk is what keeps me going step by step.

Yup, I am still mad. But I admit it. That is a step in the right direction.

Thanks for letting me share,
S

What if your "Miley" moments were televised........

Almost everyone is abuzz about Miley Cyrus's performance on VMA's this past week, including myself. I admit I called her "trash".

Then I started thinking. What if my "Miley" moments from my teens and into my oh let's stop at late 20's, were captured for a nation or world of people to see? How would I feel? I feel ashamed just thinking about the fact that I even HAVE Miley moments. Ok, maybe not quite like hers but those moments that you regret later,are embarrassed later,ashamed later. In the moment, it feels right or good. In the moment you think you are oh so grand. But later....

It was bad enough to have some of those moments witnessed by others or gossiped via the good ole rotary phones. :) But televised.....picture it.......like a Hunger Games scene. OUCH.

Now, I am not saying Miley doesn't want or like the attention. Maybe she isn't embarrassed. Now.

I don't like the fact that even half of those moments are remembered by me...I can only hope others don't remember. :)

But we are totally outraged by this "role model's" behavior. Well, honestly.....I don't watch the VMA's because they are too trashy for me, I certainly would not have let a child watch them. She stopped being a role model a long time ago with admitted drug use.

I do believe that the woman at the well could have been a "Miley" in her day. FIVE husbands( I had 3 but whose counting) and living in sin that the time she met Jesus.

What about the woman committing adultery and everyone knew? Jesus said...“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”   Well, I threw a stone when I called Miley trash.
So many of us did, who are suppose to be Christians and not judge. With non Christians watching. Yup. Duh. Bad move.

Anyway, I know we will move onto the next sin to judge but I had to voice how I was feeling. So blessed that my past "moments" weren't televised. You?

Suicide and other ponderings.....

These past 2 weeks have brought a suicide count of 3 among people I have heard of, not friends but friends of friends or famous people. Still hits me hard that someone can do that to themselves.

In our family we had two suicides within 3 months of each other when I was in fourth grade. I still remember the impact it did on my mom.

A month after my dad died my brother Scott's best friend committed suicide. Devastating to have seen someone a month prior and then their life turns on a dime.

I have a friend who I spoke with recently who is suffering severely from depression. I had point blank asked her a few weeks back if she was suicidal. She said no. Then in speaking to her this week about some things she said she would never do it because of the devastation it leaves others. I looked her in the eye and said Listen to me. I believe you and I trust in your promise not to do that to us or yourself. She said Thank You. I know her word means a lot. But then she said But the problem is that leaves me no way out. I am trapped here until the day I die.

Whoa.

She is waiting for an appt to get counseling but I took her words and tossed them around in my brain for a bit. I thought about those who have committed suicide. That is how they feel. Trapped and it is the only way out that they know. Family and friends be damned.

Who knows what runs through a person's mind prior but it has to be an utterly sad place even if they feel loved.

In the cases I know it was addiction. It was getting caught doing something that would sent them to prison for a long time. It was mental illness. One I heard of was diagnosed with something and went home and promptly killed himself. Others I am not sure what happened but it had to have been HUGE.

Suicide leaves destruction in its wake.

Depression is an ugly mess.

I remember someone calling me years ago to tell me her friend had committed suicide. They had had dinner together with friends I believe that night or the night prior to her killing herself. She knew I took anti depressants and was asking me about depression. She really didn't understand it. She is not alone. I know many people who do not understand depression. People don't get it when they tell someone Just pull up your boot straps and keep going. Or tomorrow things will look better, you'll see. Or Hang in there. People who don't suffer from a chemical imbalance of depression just get sad or maybe depressed. But they move forward. That is different then people who suffer from depression. Life can be great but they can't find a reason to live. Life can be wonderful but they don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

So if someone you know is reaching out to you- look for the signals. Really listen to what they are saying. If you think they need help, don't be worried you will upset them by suggesting it.
If they are someone whose word means something to themselves, make them PROMISE you then won't harm themselves. That isn't a guaranty but giving your word to someone may be just enough.

There is no shame in counseling or anti depressants. I know some people think taking meds is a bad idea. But if someone has a chemical imbalance then it is just what they need. If they had diabetes you wouldn't tell them not to take their insulin,right? I caution people who don't understand depression about giving advice like that to a sufferer.

If you have lost someone to suicide, I am truly sorry. It leaves such a mark on your life.



On a lighter note....my daughter is college bound on Thursday. She loves saying she is an adult now. Do you remember those days of turning 18 and thinking that you are an adult and now you can do what you want? How dumb were we? We wish for adulthood and then it got here. Now we wish for carefree days.

I gave my parents a run for their money once I thought I could do what I wanted. I used to look back and think Why didn't they stop me? Now I know. I probably said I am an adult one too many times and they thought..fine. She is an adult. Good luck with that. :)

Luckily Melissa isn't anything like I was as a teen. I can count the number of times she truly got into trouble on both hands and still have fingers left over. Not that some of those times didn't break my heart into little pieces but we healed and moved on. She is really a great kid and while there maybe things I don't know about at least I am a parent who is aware of some things. She has shared stories about people from school who I see that their parents think their child is really perfect and they are totally getting away with behaviors not in line to what their parents think.

But she is an adult. Life is about to get real. Fun days ahead for her. Crappy days ahead for her. home will always be there as a soft place to fall when life gets rough. But this is her chance to go and grow. I trust her to make the right choices. If she doesn't, well Thank God she is an adult and is capable of fixing her wrongs. As for me, I'm going to be here when she is ready for me in whatever way she needs.

But in the meantime...I am an adult and will be doing things I want to do. Probably not much better then her but hey....we all learn as we go and grow,right?