What is your "Definition"?

I can't believe it has been since Jan that I blogged! I write posts tho when in idea comes to mind and this past week one had started formulating. What defines me?

I have been thinking this past week about events that have happened in my life. Do they define me? Do they make me who I am as an adult? Or do I, as an adult, make choices that define me? I already had these thoughts and knew I was going to blog about it when I went to Kroger the other day. I was in the card aisle and this lady was standing there looking at birthday cards for dads. I was looking for a card and had seen the birthday cards for brothers. There was one that reminded me of my brother,Scott. It had to dog like characters and one had his finger out just barely touching the other one and it says "Is this bothering you?" over and over then you open card and it says Happy Memories. This choked me up so bad- because my brother used to do that to me but he would say "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you!" It hit me in that moment that I will never be able to give him a birthday card again. And such a perfect card like that one just almost had me unglued but I hear the lady behind me sniffling so I turn and ask if she is OK. She was standing there crying saying she was buying a birthday card for her step dad and she wished it was for her dad because he passed away. I talked with her for a few minutes, comforting her about her grief and when we parted ways it came to mind that it is moments like that in which I am defined.

I could have ignored her crying, I could have gone deep into my grief with her or standing there alone but instead I was able to reach out to her in that moment. I was able to step away from the past, be in the moment and do what I know how to do best. Show love to others. So, this really got me thinking on the way home about how our life is defined. For years I was a victim by someone else's definition, including my own. For years I blamed things in my past for how I am, who I am today. In  that moment, this past Saturday I decided I wasn't going to do that, I was going to love myself not to have titles of my past be my definition. Because it was a busy day, I never had a chance to blog, thoughts still swirling around in my head.

Then I went to church this morning. Here is the scripture from church:

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. ~ Isaiah 43:18 


WHAT!!???!!! The pastor is talking in the beginning about what defines you. I mean, I was like....ummm heck yea-additional blog material!! Just kidding-- I was actually stunned. God was showing me something here and I need to hang on for the ride! So, it was a confirmation that I was heading in the right direction for sure.

Then I had to pee. This is an important fact. Trust me.

So I am standing in line for the bathroom and I look at the lady next to me. I realize she is a woman on Facebook who, along with her husband, does life coaching including weight loss and fitness. I have been looking at their pages over the last few days and even had mentioned it to my husband that I might email them regarding a mentor group they are doing. They are looking for 10 people to mentor but I never wrote the email and the deadline was up.
But because I realized who she was I said Are you Kim? She said yes and I just gushed. No, not pee. But I had told her I had thought about writing the email,etc I'm bad about remember faces so I was surprised I knew who she was and what a God thing to meet her. She told me I should totally write her an email.

So we go on our way until I step out of the bathroom and she is waiting there with her husband. She said I wanted to introduce you to Richard and you tell him what you said. So I did and he takes out his phone and says I want to take a picture of you two and we will post it on Facebook as our first member of the group!

WHAT!!!???!!!!

I started tearing up-this was an incredible moment for me. They decided it was my "before" picture. So there is no turning back now!

God probably is thinking- I had to thump you over the head to get where I was leading you to!! Take a hint!

These people are going to help me change my life. I feel it. I know it. There will be no excuses and while I am doing the work, they and God will be beside me-guiding me. Changing me. So I can live out my purpose in life. My definition.

Empowered Cravings........

This post is totally amazing that it happens to be my first blog post of the new year.
I have started a new online bible study this week called Made to Crave. It is based on the book of same name written by Lysa Terkeurst. The idea of the book is that we are all made to crave God yet we tend to crave and give attention to other things over Him.  For some it may be alcohol or drugs, others it may be attention or sex or food. Some where along our lives we made those a priority forgetting who really is craving our attention. Desiring our love, wanting to spend time with us. God's love is amazing, isn't it?

He waits patiently for us as we reach for whatever it is we want,whatever it is that in no way,shape or form will ever love us back.

Isn't that such a waste of time and energy and.....life? To focus on and desire things that will never ever love us back?

So as I am learning and growing this week I am focusing on our word for the week, which is Empowered. I am totally a geek and have this word printed out and plastered on my fridge.

Empower means to give power to or authorize to.....  why would I want to give my power over to something or someone other then myself or my maker? I truly wouldn't want to but doesn't mean I don't.My power has been given over to various people, memories, actions, alcohol,drugs, men,food and attitudes my whole life.

Yet this week....this week a small amount of hope. A light starting to shine through....just a nibbling of....ya know...just what if I kept my power? What if, instead of giving into cravings for whatever it is that I am desiring, that I pause and pray? Just stop.Just pray. Right where I am. My cravings will change. My thought process changes. I start to feel....well empowered!

Psalms 84:2 (NIV):

My soul yearns, even faints,

    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.

Empowered to me is such a strong word. It brings up images of strong people, of people who have conquered, maybe risen from the ashes to survive to share their story. Of important people. People with power. But I am realizing that while yes, those people are empowered so are many others. They don't have to be strong forces to be empowered.They just have to know one thing. They can empower themselves. I can empower myself. I, personally, like to have God help me be empowered. I am craving Him to help me in this journey.

I heard Elizabeth Vargas(ABC anchorwoman) speaking today about her alcoholism recovery. She said she learned that you need to feel your feelings, they won't kill you. I loved that thought.

Pray.Feel.Empower. Survive.Repeat.

Yup, still mad at God....

So I have been thinking lately, which is a dangerous thing for me sometimes. :)

Let me back up a minute....
We were attending a church here in the next town over and things were going well for awhile. When we felt it was time to move on we did. I felt like I wanted one in my town.

We found another one in our town,while I jumped in with both feet,Mike was hesitant to do so. After awhile it became apparent to me that my family was not going to embrace this church like I was so I had to make the painful choice of leaving.

Fast forward to now( over a year later) and my dangerous habit of thinking. We have not committed to another church. We attended one. Once. We have revisited the first church at holidays. I have realized I have become the christian I strived very hard not to be for many years.

I would say it was mainly a bad habit that formed and not putting God first but also situations have prevented us from going as well. Today,after talking to my friend about her walk, I got a little real with myself.

I am still mad at God for my brother passing away. How do I honor and glorify someone who I am intensely mad at? How do I put him first? I know WHY I should. But how. Nope, not feeling it. A lot of my joy died that night with him. Hard to go to church when you are not feeling joyful or are suppose to honor someone who is the main purpose for being there.

I have to acknowledge it..boy am I still pissed off!!

Now, here is some good news. I have friends and family who are steadfast in their faith. I quietly watch them. I'm like a non christian who is contemplating this life...this wonderful christian life.
I am so blessed to have warriors in my life. To have people that their faith is holding me up. Their walk is my reminder of who my guiding light. I know that just because I am ticked, it is not an all or nothing deal. I still believe. I still know what I know. I know the reality of things. I know what my faith believes in. I know. I know. I know.

I am grateful for a God who doesn't love me conditionally. I am grateful to have this hard shell around my heart crack some today. I hope it doesn't seal up. I am grateful for being able to watch people who have lived through far far worse and/or living through it now and they are amazing. Their faith, their walk is what keeps me going step by step.

Yup, I am still mad. But I admit it. That is a step in the right direction.

Thanks for letting me share,
S

What if your "Miley" moments were televised........

Almost everyone is abuzz about Miley Cyrus's performance on VMA's this past week, including myself. I admit I called her "trash".

Then I started thinking. What if my "Miley" moments from my teens and into my oh let's stop at late 20's, were captured for a nation or world of people to see? How would I feel? I feel ashamed just thinking about the fact that I even HAVE Miley moments. Ok, maybe not quite like hers but those moments that you regret later,are embarrassed later,ashamed later. In the moment, it feels right or good. In the moment you think you are oh so grand. But later....

It was bad enough to have some of those moments witnessed by others or gossiped via the good ole rotary phones. :) But televised.....picture it.......like a Hunger Games scene. OUCH.

Now, I am not saying Miley doesn't want or like the attention. Maybe she isn't embarrassed. Now.

I don't like the fact that even half of those moments are remembered by me...I can only hope others don't remember. :)

But we are totally outraged by this "role model's" behavior. Well, honestly.....I don't watch the VMA's because they are too trashy for me, I certainly would not have let a child watch them. She stopped being a role model a long time ago with admitted drug use.

I do believe that the woman at the well could have been a "Miley" in her day. FIVE husbands( I had 3 but whose counting) and living in sin that the time she met Jesus.

What about the woman committing adultery and everyone knew? Jesus said...“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”   Well, I threw a stone when I called Miley trash.
So many of us did, who are suppose to be Christians and not judge. With non Christians watching. Yup. Duh. Bad move.

Anyway, I know we will move onto the next sin to judge but I had to voice how I was feeling. So blessed that my past "moments" weren't televised. You?

Suicide and other ponderings.....

These past 2 weeks have brought a suicide count of 3 among people I have heard of, not friends but friends of friends or famous people. Still hits me hard that someone can do that to themselves.

In our family we had two suicides within 3 months of each other when I was in fourth grade. I still remember the impact it did on my mom.

A month after my dad died my brother Scott's best friend committed suicide. Devastating to have seen someone a month prior and then their life turns on a dime.

I have a friend who I spoke with recently who is suffering severely from depression. I had point blank asked her a few weeks back if she was suicidal. She said no. Then in speaking to her this week about some things she said she would never do it because of the devastation it leaves others. I looked her in the eye and said Listen to me. I believe you and I trust in your promise not to do that to us or yourself. She said Thank You. I know her word means a lot. But then she said But the problem is that leaves me no way out. I am trapped here until the day I die.

Whoa.

She is waiting for an appt to get counseling but I took her words and tossed them around in my brain for a bit. I thought about those who have committed suicide. That is how they feel. Trapped and it is the only way out that they know. Family and friends be damned.

Who knows what runs through a person's mind prior but it has to be an utterly sad place even if they feel loved.

In the cases I know it was addiction. It was getting caught doing something that would sent them to prison for a long time. It was mental illness. One I heard of was diagnosed with something and went home and promptly killed himself. Others I am not sure what happened but it had to have been HUGE.

Suicide leaves destruction in its wake.

Depression is an ugly mess.

I remember someone calling me years ago to tell me her friend had committed suicide. They had had dinner together with friends I believe that night or the night prior to her killing herself. She knew I took anti depressants and was asking me about depression. She really didn't understand it. She is not alone. I know many people who do not understand depression. People don't get it when they tell someone Just pull up your boot straps and keep going. Or tomorrow things will look better, you'll see. Or Hang in there. People who don't suffer from a chemical imbalance of depression just get sad or maybe depressed. But they move forward. That is different then people who suffer from depression. Life can be great but they can't find a reason to live. Life can be wonderful but they don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

So if someone you know is reaching out to you- look for the signals. Really listen to what they are saying. If you think they need help, don't be worried you will upset them by suggesting it.
If they are someone whose word means something to themselves, make them PROMISE you then won't harm themselves. That isn't a guaranty but giving your word to someone may be just enough.

There is no shame in counseling or anti depressants. I know some people think taking meds is a bad idea. But if someone has a chemical imbalance then it is just what they need. If they had diabetes you wouldn't tell them not to take their insulin,right? I caution people who don't understand depression about giving advice like that to a sufferer.

If you have lost someone to suicide, I am truly sorry. It leaves such a mark on your life.



On a lighter note....my daughter is college bound on Thursday. She loves saying she is an adult now. Do you remember those days of turning 18 and thinking that you are an adult and now you can do what you want? How dumb were we? We wish for adulthood and then it got here. Now we wish for carefree days.

I gave my parents a run for their money once I thought I could do what I wanted. I used to look back and think Why didn't they stop me? Now I know. I probably said I am an adult one too many times and they thought..fine. She is an adult. Good luck with that. :)

Luckily Melissa isn't anything like I was as a teen. I can count the number of times she truly got into trouble on both hands and still have fingers left over. Not that some of those times didn't break my heart into little pieces but we healed and moved on. She is really a great kid and while there maybe things I don't know about at least I am a parent who is aware of some things. She has shared stories about people from school who I see that their parents think their child is really perfect and they are totally getting away with behaviors not in line to what their parents think.

But she is an adult. Life is about to get real. Fun days ahead for her. Crappy days ahead for her. home will always be there as a soft place to fall when life gets rough. But this is her chance to go and grow. I trust her to make the right choices. If she doesn't, well Thank God she is an adult and is capable of fixing her wrongs. As for me, I'm going to be here when she is ready for me in whatever way she needs.

But in the meantime...I am an adult and will be doing things I want to do. Probably not much better then her but hey....we all learn as we go and grow,right?

Just a ramble.....

As I start this entry, I have no idea what the title will be. I have several topics swirling in my head so not even sure where this will go...so hold on for the ride!

You know know what a rough year this has been for me.And you only know what I have shared, not everything.  It seems like just the year of the bad happenings. I have days that are harder then those close to me even know but hang with me...this is not a depressing blog....

Monday I had a "kid free" day. My grand kids were spending the day with their dad. I had told a couple of close friends on Sunday that Monday I am unplugging from the world and having a date with God. I needed to talk to Him and get reacquainted. Monday I was starting gluten free eating.Monday was going to be the day of changes. The day I pull myself out of this puddle I am in and pull my boot straps up and say....let's get on with it, Because as my husband would tell the kids when we were going somewhere they didn't want to go-You can go and be happy or you can go and be miserable. But either way you have to go.
That is how I feel about the rest of this year.....then it hits me.....

A youth pastor intern at our old church in VA Beach told a story of being in high school goofing around with his friends at a park and he was sitting on a park bench. It was like a Tuesday and they were saying they couldn't wait for Friday to get here. (Haven't we all said that one before?) this old man was sitting on the bench and he turned to Andy and said--Why are you rushing the week? You have no clue what blessings Wednesday and Thursday may hold for you. Maybe Friday is the day you go to heaven? So why you are in a hurry to get to Friday.
That moment changed his life.
That story stuck with me.
It changes my attitude when I get to feeling like I have been lately...let's get this flippin year over with,2013 has not been kind to me.Some of the worst struggles in my life. Anyway....back to my date.....

I didn't stay totally unplugged, I did have to send a text,answer an email and I ended up on Facebook later in the night. But what my friend advised was,spend the first part of your day with God and rest of your stuff will be taken care of.

I loved my date. He listened, He talked, He comforted me when I cried and there was a lot of crying because He also opened my heart to fully expose how I have been acting. He didn't criticize, put me down, abandon me, make fun of me, judge me even. He accepted me for me and said OK. Let's chat. God simply said-here is where you are, here is where you were and here is where I want you to be. I am ashamed as a christian for not putting God first where,as Christians,we know that is where He needs to be. In EVERYTHING.
I have so many people and situations that I want to pray for, do pray for but they were all in my head. I took a pen and paper and wrote them all out. More keep flowing so more will come. But I also found on my bookshelf a couple of Joyce Meyer books I have been meaning to "get to" so I pulled on out yesterday and it was The power of Simple prayer. I think I can handle that- simple is good. I think I can handle this book and learning from it.

God doesn't want us coming to Him and saying...GAWWWWDDD my Father whoith my savior thouist...whatev......God wants us to go to him and even if we are like...


Hey- up there--I need help today. Thanks

Say what?? Yup....if that is all you can manage it is perfect. That would change in time hopefully but a simple...Ok here I am,let's conquer this day together would just delight Him.


I think you could even say Dude! Life sucks and I need your help to get to know you. He would respond. Sure- I'm here, let's talk.

Well, I guess that is what I have to say. I have realized since Jill's divorce everyone has backslid. Everyone is struggling. Not that it is the reason but it is the time frame and maybe there is/was anger in a sense as to why all that happened. Then Scott died and forget it...God had a target on his back for the angry darts I needed to toss. But Mike and I need to get on track and Monday was a start. For me. The rest of the family needs to decide on their own about stepping up their spiritual walk. The old Sandi would try to force it. This Sandi? I got my own junk to work on.

So I guess this one was truly just a rambling of an old cupcake. Not sure if there is any nuggets of anything someone could walk away with but I am glad you listened. :)
P.S. Gluten Free started today, thanks to celebrating Mike's bday late with dinner last night at Olive Garden and a certain Oooey gooey cake. :)

Why bother even being a christian........

When people get saved they are fired up for Christ. It is a love and high like no other. Sometimes there is a misconception that life will be this wonderful life from that moment on. That somehow God will protect us from any harm or misfortunes.

I have heard over the years that non Christians say "Well why bother? If you still struggle and I struggle then I am going to live my life like I want to and not have to follow a God that doesn't seem to care."

Well, I am here to tell you that no the struggles do not go away. In fact, they quite possibly could intensify. As a christian your tests become testimonies. When you have troubles you do not feel alone. You know there is someone who is there, in control and you will be ok.


Why bother? Well, I like not being an angry person. I like loving people.  I like knowing everything will work out, my way or not. There is a knowing. A peace. Sometimes it is hard to find the calm silence. Sometimes I want to just look up towards God and scream "WHY BOTHER!?"
But I realize that Jesus is why bother. People are why bother.

If you are a parent, whether you believe in God or not, just stop for one moment. Think about your child. Then think about you sacrificing your child for others wrong doings. Your child. Being tortured. Nails driven in their hands. A crown of thorns burying into their head. You are having your child do this for the greater good of this world and the people in it. For people who will never meet your child. It is hard to imagine. I certainly do not have a friend that would say,OK I am going to allow my child to be killed for your daughters sins. Do you?

Why bother? That is why. Because God loves me enough to do exactly that and to love me even when I screw up. He is there to protect me,provide for me,love me,guide me. He sometimes has to knock me over the head to figure some things out. He certainly has been waiting patiently for me while I struggle. He is currently being patient. But I do love that I am that important to him. Me. I am a nobody. But to God I am a somebody.

Next time when life gets you down and you think why bother? Reach out to a christian friend and ask them why. But listen. Really listen to the answer because heaven awaits all of us.Even if life is rough here on earth. I figure if God can endure Jesus being tortured I can try to handle what is thrown my way because in the end Heaven awaits me.