We had family here for Thanksgiving week and I was able, for the most part, to forget about my cancer diagnosis.
Then Tuesday came. I got a call to remind me of my radiation oncologist appointment, my breast surgeon called to discuss more pathology reports to tell me what the tumor board discussed and ask how I was on processing everything, American Cancer Society sent me some brochures. And just like that- back to reality.
I’m scared and I want this all to go away.
I want someone else to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and no one can but me.
I’m thankful it’s not worse.
I’m thankful for my team of doctors.
I hear words like oncologist and tumor board and my heart breaks all over again for what my cousin, Judy, went through. How scared and overwhelmed she must have been in the beginning. How I wish she was here now. I miss her so much. She faced a much worse cancer than I am dealing with and I feel humbled by her all over again.
I’m mad at myself for not being there more for Judy, for not giving her an opportunity to let her guard down and be more vulnerable with me.
I’m angry that I have 5 years of the unknown. Of the side effects that will occur from the treatments that lay ahead.
Tomorrow is the radiation oncologist appointment and I’ll know then if my decision will be made for me because I can’t have radiation or if I can then I do believe I know the route I’ll go.
I guess I’m just feeling angry.
Sad.
Grateful.
Overwhelmed.
Scared.
I’m a hot mess and that’s ok.
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
Monday, November 18, 2019
What a lumpy bumpy year.....
I am really not trying to sound whiny, however it has been a year for me....
I am going to put my year in review for you to understand:
January- It started out for the year to be so promising. We had booked a cruise with Jill, Chris and the kids for our first family vacation together, along with my mother in law. I had not been feeling well with flu like aches and pains and overwhelming tiredness so a vacation with some of my favorite people and warm weather sounded wonderful.
While I was not fully feeling like myself and could have participated more, I still had a wonderful time. This was about the time mom started sharing some very strange behaviors and decline in her health.
February- finally got the diagnosis of incomplete lupus (meaning no butterfly rash on face) and treatment plan started. Mom declines further.
March- anniversary of my brother's passing beginning of the month and on 24th mom passes away. I took the final step to end the relationship with my oldest brother because he is toxic for me.
April- a friend of mine for 15 years had decided to end our friendship.
May- We had mom's memorial service. My cousin,Judy, was suppose to be able to go and had to cancel because her cancer was back.
June- while on another wonderful vacation, I get the call I never wanted to hear. Judy has been given 2 weeks to live. I go up to MD to say my good byes.
July- Judy passes away and I go up for her memorial. This was so tough.
August- we had to put Ginger, our dog down. She was 16 and we had her for 15 years. This was so much harder than either one of us expected. Yet it was the right thing to do for her.
September- It was our 20th wedding anniversary. A few days before that, we had a huge fight and honestly, it could have gone really bad if either of us had chosen in that moment to throw in the towel. We had pushed each other to the limits. I am so thankful, that we chose and have always chosen to breath and talk it out. Love is easy. Marriage is work. It was a bump in the road that we were able to maneuver over.
I prayed to God- Can the rest of the year hold nothing major, please?
Satan says " Here. Hold my beer."
Last day in September, I receive a text from my niece, Ericka. She has received her DNA test results from 23andme and there is a guy showing up who is closely related to her (first cousin). So she wanted to know my thoughts. I am looking over the information and we start thinking of how he is related. She decides to reach out to him and start exchanging information.
October-He revealed to her, his mom had told him when he was 11 his dad was not his dad. Later she denied it. ( She was drunk at the time.) He asked Ericka if she had an uncle who was in the DC area around 1970? Well, Scott would have been 8 so that rules him out. My Uncle Don was in town visiting Thanksgiving in 1969 so if he happened to go out without his kids and had an one night stand and this guy was born in a certain time frame in 1970, then that would fit. Or there is one other possible answer....
My mom was a very active alcoholic until December 1975. During the years prior to that, she would rant about dad having affairs when she was drunk. So us kids just always figured it was true. If that was the case, than this guy could be my half brother.
So I immediately order the kit.
Results came back roughly 2 weeks later and sure enough he is my half brother. We connect and start sharing information. At first, it was harder on him than on me. Yes, we both had a seed placed in our minds early in our childhoods. But his parents are still alive, so for him, he has to not only deal with the hews that his dad isn't his dad but how to handle who and when he tells this news.
For me, it kinda cool. After all, Scott is gone and I don't have a relationship with Steve.
Like Ericka said, we are this loving, eclectic family who is like- "Another one to love! Come- let us hug you!!" And he is like Whoa!!!
The last few weeks have been kind of tough. He was able to speak to his mom (his parents are divorced) and she realized she was faced with having to own up the truth. As it turned out, she was my dad's secretary when he worked for Dept of Justice and they had an ongoing affair for 5 years. It also has come to light that my dad knew about this child. He even met him one time when Darrell was in high school. And she had reached out to my dad in 1993 when Darrell was diagnosed with diabetes to see if it ran in the family.
Wow.
That was tough to hear.
For a few reasons, one is for all the obvious reasons, another is, you see, mom was so flawed in our eyes growing up that she was given a lot of crap from us kids, even as adults, she was the "lesser" of the parents. We had placed my dad on a pedestal and he never got any flack from us. Not when he also was drinking when we were younger, not for having affairs on mom, not for anything.
The final reason for me is personal.
Short version- When I got pregnant with Jill, I was 20. her dad was not a good person and my dad couldn't stand him and was mad that I got pregnant by him. So he basically disowned me and I had no place to live and ended up in a homeless shelter.
How hypocritical of him.
I have been going through every emotion that you can imagine. The final result is that I can't change anything. Oh how, I would love to have an open conversation with him, but I can't. He took this secret with him when he died and of his choosing. Scott had even asked him when they were alone if there was anything he needed to know about-any siblings that might come out of the woodwork.
Was it to protect us or himself? I think he chose to protect us (including my half brother) all of these years, which is one reason why he never left mom. And I do know that he truly loved her.
Was he a hypocrite? Yes. He should never have put me through what I went through. Was he there in the end of it all? Yes and in a big time way. Did he have reason to be so frustrated with me? Absolutely. It was the moment in my life that defined what I was going to do for myself and my child for the rest of my life.
It was my bottom.
And it has been nothing up since!
I had a day of feeling so guilty towards mom. I wish I had acknowledge to her how hard it was for her at times during her marriage. As a mom and wife, it breaks my heart. I wish I had not had so many years of resentment towards her. But there were many layers to our relationship and many reasons for those resentments. In the end, I know 100% our relationship healed, I did everything for her to make her life here in TN good. She was safe from my brother and she was well taken care of and she felt the love from all of us here. She knew. She said many times that I took good care of her. She felt loved in the end and that is what I need to remember.
As far as my half brother goes, we are taking things slow. I accept him as my brother because he is my brother. Growing up together or not, doesn't change that fact. I feel like it would be disrespectful to him and my dad to say otherwise. Will we have a relationship? I don't know. I would like to think we could meet one day. He has a son so I have a nephew I would like to meet. However, this is water that none of us have tread before. He is choosing not to tell his dad or sisters until both parents have passed. So it is more difficult for him in the every day life than for me.
The timing is not lost on me,.either. If I had known when mom was alive, while I would not have told her, I would have been burdened with guilt.
Roughly the last weekend of October, I had a twinge in my right breast. I took my hand to make it stop and felt a lump. It took me a day or 2 to say something to Mike because I had to make sure I wasn't being melodramatic or anything. Yup, it is a lump. On Halloween, I go to my Dr and she felt it. They set me up for a diagnostic mammogram.
November- The morning of my mammogram, I did a group text with 3 of my friends. We will contact each other if we have a prayer request. I ask- Anyone ever have a lump? YES.
While checking in for test, the gal lets me know if something shows up concerning, they will do an ultrasound.
So, while waiting, I text them again " Anyone have an ultrasound done after mammogram?" All 3 say YES.
Ok, so far so good.
Mammogram showed not one, but 2 lumps. Ultrasound done and radiologist says I need to have biopsy done.
Sent another text to my friends " Anyone have to get a biopsy?"
NO
Now, I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach.
My lumps are under an inch, one is exactly one inch in size for part of it. Being under an inch is important because if it is cancer, it is concerned early. At least what Dr Google as told me. ;-/
Both have jagged edges and not smooth.
Both are not fluid filled.
Both are in the upper right quadrant which is where 50% of cancer is found.
Last Wednesday, I had my biopsies done.
Today I got the call.
It’s cancer in both lumps.
I have said from the beginning that God has got this and in true form- it so happens there is an opening tomorrow morning for me to see a breast specialist!
We don’t know the stage or type yet. Hoping to have those answers along with a plan of treatment.
Then it will be my turn to say Satan- Here. Hold my beer. My God and I got this.
NOW CHECK THIS OUT—-
January- I had a wonderful first cruise with my daughter, son in law and grandkids!
February- FINALLY got an answer to health issue plaguing me for a very long time.
March- mom’s suffering ends and it was a spirit filled peaceful death.
April- A toxic friendship needed to end.
May- first time to the gulf shores surrounded by family (some who I haven’t seen in awhile) in a wonderful tribute to mom, dad and Scott.
June- wonderful vacation with family and I was fortunate to see Judy and tell her how much I love her.
July- Nothing wonderful about this month. It was hard. Seeing family was wonderful- circumstances weren’t.
August- Ginger lived a long and spoiled life!
September- it was my birthday and anniversary celebrations! Plus, we saw Mike’s brother get married at one of the best weddings we have been to!
October- I gained a brother!!🎉
November- We are having over 20 people here for our biggest Thanksgiving ever!!!!!
December- it’s a month full of family birthdays and Christmas!!
What a year to be alive!❤️ I’m surrounded by family and friends who are showing me so much love and support.
I am going to put my year in review for you to understand:
January- It started out for the year to be so promising. We had booked a cruise with Jill, Chris and the kids for our first family vacation together, along with my mother in law. I had not been feeling well with flu like aches and pains and overwhelming tiredness so a vacation with some of my favorite people and warm weather sounded wonderful.
While I was not fully feeling like myself and could have participated more, I still had a wonderful time. This was about the time mom started sharing some very strange behaviors and decline in her health.
February- finally got the diagnosis of incomplete lupus (meaning no butterfly rash on face) and treatment plan started. Mom declines further.
March- anniversary of my brother's passing beginning of the month and on 24th mom passes away. I took the final step to end the relationship with my oldest brother because he is toxic for me.
April- a friend of mine for 15 years had decided to end our friendship.
May- We had mom's memorial service. My cousin,Judy, was suppose to be able to go and had to cancel because her cancer was back.
June- while on another wonderful vacation, I get the call I never wanted to hear. Judy has been given 2 weeks to live. I go up to MD to say my good byes.
July- Judy passes away and I go up for her memorial. This was so tough.
August- we had to put Ginger, our dog down. She was 16 and we had her for 15 years. This was so much harder than either one of us expected. Yet it was the right thing to do for her.
September- It was our 20th wedding anniversary. A few days before that, we had a huge fight and honestly, it could have gone really bad if either of us had chosen in that moment to throw in the towel. We had pushed each other to the limits. I am so thankful, that we chose and have always chosen to breath and talk it out. Love is easy. Marriage is work. It was a bump in the road that we were able to maneuver over.
I prayed to God- Can the rest of the year hold nothing major, please?
Satan says " Here. Hold my beer."
Last day in September, I receive a text from my niece, Ericka. She has received her DNA test results from 23andme and there is a guy showing up who is closely related to her (first cousin). So she wanted to know my thoughts. I am looking over the information and we start thinking of how he is related. She decides to reach out to him and start exchanging information.
October-He revealed to her, his mom had told him when he was 11 his dad was not his dad. Later she denied it. ( She was drunk at the time.) He asked Ericka if she had an uncle who was in the DC area around 1970? Well, Scott would have been 8 so that rules him out. My Uncle Don was in town visiting Thanksgiving in 1969 so if he happened to go out without his kids and had an one night stand and this guy was born in a certain time frame in 1970, then that would fit. Or there is one other possible answer....
My mom was a very active alcoholic until December 1975. During the years prior to that, she would rant about dad having affairs when she was drunk. So us kids just always figured it was true. If that was the case, than this guy could be my half brother.
So I immediately order the kit.
Results came back roughly 2 weeks later and sure enough he is my half brother. We connect and start sharing information. At first, it was harder on him than on me. Yes, we both had a seed placed in our minds early in our childhoods. But his parents are still alive, so for him, he has to not only deal with the hews that his dad isn't his dad but how to handle who and when he tells this news.
For me, it kinda cool. After all, Scott is gone and I don't have a relationship with Steve.
Like Ericka said, we are this loving, eclectic family who is like- "Another one to love! Come- let us hug you!!" And he is like Whoa!!!
The last few weeks have been kind of tough. He was able to speak to his mom (his parents are divorced) and she realized she was faced with having to own up the truth. As it turned out, she was my dad's secretary when he worked for Dept of Justice and they had an ongoing affair for 5 years. It also has come to light that my dad knew about this child. He even met him one time when Darrell was in high school. And she had reached out to my dad in 1993 when Darrell was diagnosed with diabetes to see if it ran in the family.
Wow.
That was tough to hear.
For a few reasons, one is for all the obvious reasons, another is, you see, mom was so flawed in our eyes growing up that she was given a lot of crap from us kids, even as adults, she was the "lesser" of the parents. We had placed my dad on a pedestal and he never got any flack from us. Not when he also was drinking when we were younger, not for having affairs on mom, not for anything.
The final reason for me is personal.
Short version- When I got pregnant with Jill, I was 20. her dad was not a good person and my dad couldn't stand him and was mad that I got pregnant by him. So he basically disowned me and I had no place to live and ended up in a homeless shelter.
How hypocritical of him.
I have been going through every emotion that you can imagine. The final result is that I can't change anything. Oh how, I would love to have an open conversation with him, but I can't. He took this secret with him when he died and of his choosing. Scott had even asked him when they were alone if there was anything he needed to know about-any siblings that might come out of the woodwork.
Was it to protect us or himself? I think he chose to protect us (including my half brother) all of these years, which is one reason why he never left mom. And I do know that he truly loved her.
Was he a hypocrite? Yes. He should never have put me through what I went through. Was he there in the end of it all? Yes and in a big time way. Did he have reason to be so frustrated with me? Absolutely. It was the moment in my life that defined what I was going to do for myself and my child for the rest of my life.
It was my bottom.
And it has been nothing up since!
I had a day of feeling so guilty towards mom. I wish I had acknowledge to her how hard it was for her at times during her marriage. As a mom and wife, it breaks my heart. I wish I had not had so many years of resentment towards her. But there were many layers to our relationship and many reasons for those resentments. In the end, I know 100% our relationship healed, I did everything for her to make her life here in TN good. She was safe from my brother and she was well taken care of and she felt the love from all of us here. She knew. She said many times that I took good care of her. She felt loved in the end and that is what I need to remember.
As far as my half brother goes, we are taking things slow. I accept him as my brother because he is my brother. Growing up together or not, doesn't change that fact. I feel like it would be disrespectful to him and my dad to say otherwise. Will we have a relationship? I don't know. I would like to think we could meet one day. He has a son so I have a nephew I would like to meet. However, this is water that none of us have tread before. He is choosing not to tell his dad or sisters until both parents have passed. So it is more difficult for him in the every day life than for me.
The timing is not lost on me,.either. If I had known when mom was alive, while I would not have told her, I would have been burdened with guilt.
Roughly the last weekend of October, I had a twinge in my right breast. I took my hand to make it stop and felt a lump. It took me a day or 2 to say something to Mike because I had to make sure I wasn't being melodramatic or anything. Yup, it is a lump. On Halloween, I go to my Dr and she felt it. They set me up for a diagnostic mammogram.
November- The morning of my mammogram, I did a group text with 3 of my friends. We will contact each other if we have a prayer request. I ask- Anyone ever have a lump? YES.
While checking in for test, the gal lets me know if something shows up concerning, they will do an ultrasound.
So, while waiting, I text them again " Anyone have an ultrasound done after mammogram?" All 3 say YES.
Ok, so far so good.
Mammogram showed not one, but 2 lumps. Ultrasound done and radiologist says I need to have biopsy done.
Sent another text to my friends " Anyone have to get a biopsy?"
NO
Now, I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach.
My lumps are under an inch, one is exactly one inch in size for part of it. Being under an inch is important because if it is cancer, it is concerned early. At least what Dr Google as told me. ;-/
Both have jagged edges and not smooth.
Both are not fluid filled.
Both are in the upper right quadrant which is where 50% of cancer is found.
Last Wednesday, I had my biopsies done.
Today I got the call.
It’s cancer in both lumps.
I have said from the beginning that God has got this and in true form- it so happens there is an opening tomorrow morning for me to see a breast specialist!
We don’t know the stage or type yet. Hoping to have those answers along with a plan of treatment.
Then it will be my turn to say Satan- Here. Hold my beer. My God and I got this.
NOW CHECK THIS OUT—-
January- I had a wonderful first cruise with my daughter, son in law and grandkids!
February- FINALLY got an answer to health issue plaguing me for a very long time.
March- mom’s suffering ends and it was a spirit filled peaceful death.
April- A toxic friendship needed to end.
May- first time to the gulf shores surrounded by family (some who I haven’t seen in awhile) in a wonderful tribute to mom, dad and Scott.
June- wonderful vacation with family and I was fortunate to see Judy and tell her how much I love her.
July- Nothing wonderful about this month. It was hard. Seeing family was wonderful- circumstances weren’t.
August- Ginger lived a long and spoiled life!
September- it was my birthday and anniversary celebrations! Plus, we saw Mike’s brother get married at one of the best weddings we have been to!
October- I gained a brother!!🎉
November- We are having over 20 people here for our biggest Thanksgiving ever!!!!!
December- it’s a month full of family birthdays and Christmas!!
What a year to be alive!❤️ I’m surrounded by family and friends who are showing me so much love and support.
Sunday, February 10, 2019
My mom aka lilpip
Over the last 5 years I have shared many stories with all of you (on Facebook) about my mom. We nicknamed her Pip because my mother in law uses that word to describe people who are a character. So the hashtags have been #lilpip or #mypip
So many of you have told me how much you love her stories, her shenanigans and my humor while going on her journey through Parkinson’s and dementia.
This adventure has been healing, fun, rewarding, frustrating, heartbreaking and life consuming. Bittersweet rolled into one big ball.
We are entering a new stage in our pip’s life. Over the last couple of months her dementia slowly has declined and she started having some involuntary head movements. She is doing PT to try to get strength back into her legs and she is stronger during the first part of the day. She is also more clear headed the first part of the day.
Over the last few weeks her involuntary movements have increased to her head rolling back, side to side, eyes rolling around and she arches her back over and over. She is missing her mouth when she eats, with food getting all over her and everywhere else. Her dignity is gone and for someone who always had to look impeccable before leaving the house, this is hard to watch.
We knew before leaving on our cruise that memory care was in her future. When we got home it became apparent that we were not going to be able to afford to move her into the memory care side of where she currently lives. They tried to help us with a reduction of price but she just couldn’t afford it. We have found a new place for her to move into and it is a brand new facility. It will also save me about 40 minutes of driving time round trip!
Mike and I went yesterday to talk to her about it and she was very agreeable. I’m not sure if she will remember we told her so I’ll have to reinforce it to her every few days. Mike was shocked at the decline that has happened since he hasn’t been there in a couple of weeks. I have chosen not to tell her it is memory care and if I have to deal with that at a later time than I will.
This is the harsh side of Parkinson’s. It’s sad. It’s heart breaking to watch. There is a theory that she may have suffered a minor stroke that got overlooked but no proof of it.
I just want to say I appreciate all of you for letting me know how much you love her and the stories of her antics!
Humor has gotten me through but there may not be as many humorous stories to share. You all know me and I am ALWAYS looking for the humor and silver lining in every situation.
I want to start blogging about this life adventure in the hopes that someday someone will be going through this type of journey and know they are not alone. So my stories here on out may not always be upbeat. But I’ve promised not to lose my humor so I’m sure I’ll be giving you some giggles along the way.
I have said all along mom is like a cat and has 9 lives! Gosh, remember when she had pneumonia and the facility didn’t send the DNR over to the ER and they intubated her in error?? She was in ICU and we really thought she was gone. How many times have I asked for prayers as she was heading to the ER?
She is one tough cookie and this is just another bump in the road of #lilpip’s life.❤️
So many of you have told me how much you love her stories, her shenanigans and my humor while going on her journey through Parkinson’s and dementia.
This adventure has been healing, fun, rewarding, frustrating, heartbreaking and life consuming. Bittersweet rolled into one big ball.
We are entering a new stage in our pip’s life. Over the last couple of months her dementia slowly has declined and she started having some involuntary head movements. She is doing PT to try to get strength back into her legs and she is stronger during the first part of the day. She is also more clear headed the first part of the day.
Over the last few weeks her involuntary movements have increased to her head rolling back, side to side, eyes rolling around and she arches her back over and over. She is missing her mouth when she eats, with food getting all over her and everywhere else. Her dignity is gone and for someone who always had to look impeccable before leaving the house, this is hard to watch.
We knew before leaving on our cruise that memory care was in her future. When we got home it became apparent that we were not going to be able to afford to move her into the memory care side of where she currently lives. They tried to help us with a reduction of price but she just couldn’t afford it. We have found a new place for her to move into and it is a brand new facility. It will also save me about 40 minutes of driving time round trip!
Mike and I went yesterday to talk to her about it and she was very agreeable. I’m not sure if she will remember we told her so I’ll have to reinforce it to her every few days. Mike was shocked at the decline that has happened since he hasn’t been there in a couple of weeks. I have chosen not to tell her it is memory care and if I have to deal with that at a later time than I will.
This is the harsh side of Parkinson’s. It’s sad. It’s heart breaking to watch. There is a theory that she may have suffered a minor stroke that got overlooked but no proof of it.
I just want to say I appreciate all of you for letting me know how much you love her and the stories of her antics!
Humor has gotten me through but there may not be as many humorous stories to share. You all know me and I am ALWAYS looking for the humor and silver lining in every situation.
I want to start blogging about this life adventure in the hopes that someday someone will be going through this type of journey and know they are not alone. So my stories here on out may not always be upbeat. But I’ve promised not to lose my humor so I’m sure I’ll be giving you some giggles along the way.
I have said all along mom is like a cat and has 9 lives! Gosh, remember when she had pneumonia and the facility didn’t send the DNR over to the ER and they intubated her in error?? She was in ICU and we really thought she was gone. How many times have I asked for prayers as she was heading to the ER?
She is one tough cookie and this is just another bump in the road of #lilpip’s life.❤️
Friday, November 10, 2017
There To Here- Don't Blink
I was on the phone with an old friend yesterday and she jokingly said "How did we get HERE?"
Here meaning in our early to mid 50s.
At one point in life you are talking with your friends about barbies and The Brady Bunch, Then boys and parties. It changes to college choices, complaining about rent prices, marriage, babies and jobs.
Somehow it leaps forward and it turns to our teens getting their licenses, proms and college applications.
At a blink of an eye our discussions change with friends. It is our kids weddings, grand babies, and making money stretch to enjoy retirement. We laugh at "leakage", cry at death and complain about aches and pains. We say things like "They will understand when they get our age". Or "Yup, I used to think that way, too".
We start to really, really realize we are not immortal. We have had loved ones die, some are parents and others are just simply too damn young to have left us in the middle of life's journey.
It might seem weird but I think about when I will die. I don't want to go too soon and I don't want to get too old, either.
We don't get to choose, though do we? And even if we said Ok, I want to die when I'm 75, getting from here to there will be so quick that we would probably change our minds. Honestly, 75 doesn't feel that far away,
I wonder what we will talk about then? Hopefully, it is what is being served in the dining room and when is bingo. My mom is no longer in touch with any friends except for my friend, Jane, that she considers as a second daughter. She just has it in her head when she moved that was that. It makes me sad that she is missing out on one of life's joys. Having friends to say-Remember when?
This post wasn't meant to be so serious! I started out with it in my mind, my conversation with my friend and reflection on how interesting it was that the topics change with age.
But reflection is never a bad thing, I don't think.
I had to let go of so many regrets and wrong doings done to me or by me. Life is simply too short. It just rushes by us that by the time you are over a half a century old, you realize Wow-we are HERE.
We are here because we are blessed. Because we survived ourselves. We are meant to impart wisdom to the younger generation. Odds are they won't listen to us or maybe they are smarter? Doesn't matter, when they get here-they will be talking about the same things we are.
I reflect back to how much our world has changed, how much we have made progress in life. Yet, man, are we still so far away from getting anywhere or what?
The hate is so rampant, the judgments, the discrimination. Why are these issues so slow and our time is so fast? We have had so many adults go from there to here. There to here. And yet we can not get our act together enough to simply love people because they are humans? If people can't love people, we will stay a mess.
So, I will just continue to go from here to there, to have faith in human mankind, and to remember to be kind.
Laughter is the best medicine. Do it til you leak,
Here meaning in our early to mid 50s.
At one point in life you are talking with your friends about barbies and The Brady Bunch, Then boys and parties. It changes to college choices, complaining about rent prices, marriage, babies and jobs.
Somehow it leaps forward and it turns to our teens getting their licenses, proms and college applications.
At a blink of an eye our discussions change with friends. It is our kids weddings, grand babies, and making money stretch to enjoy retirement. We laugh at "leakage", cry at death and complain about aches and pains. We say things like "They will understand when they get our age". Or "Yup, I used to think that way, too".
We start to really, really realize we are not immortal. We have had loved ones die, some are parents and others are just simply too damn young to have left us in the middle of life's journey.
It might seem weird but I think about when I will die. I don't want to go too soon and I don't want to get too old, either.
We don't get to choose, though do we? And even if we said Ok, I want to die when I'm 75, getting from here to there will be so quick that we would probably change our minds. Honestly, 75 doesn't feel that far away,
I wonder what we will talk about then? Hopefully, it is what is being served in the dining room and when is bingo. My mom is no longer in touch with any friends except for my friend, Jane, that she considers as a second daughter. She just has it in her head when she moved that was that. It makes me sad that she is missing out on one of life's joys. Having friends to say-Remember when?
This post wasn't meant to be so serious! I started out with it in my mind, my conversation with my friend and reflection on how interesting it was that the topics change with age.
But reflection is never a bad thing, I don't think.
I had to let go of so many regrets and wrong doings done to me or by me. Life is simply too short. It just rushes by us that by the time you are over a half a century old, you realize Wow-we are HERE.
We are here because we are blessed. Because we survived ourselves. We are meant to impart wisdom to the younger generation. Odds are they won't listen to us or maybe they are smarter? Doesn't matter, when they get here-they will be talking about the same things we are.
I reflect back to how much our world has changed, how much we have made progress in life. Yet, man, are we still so far away from getting anywhere or what?
The hate is so rampant, the judgments, the discrimination. Why are these issues so slow and our time is so fast? We have had so many adults go from there to here. There to here. And yet we can not get our act together enough to simply love people because they are humans? If people can't love people, we will stay a mess.
So, I will just continue to go from here to there, to have faith in human mankind, and to remember to be kind.
Laughter is the best medicine. Do it til you leak,
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Gorillas, Bad Parents and Judgments Galore-- OH MY!
I have kept my opinion on the topic of the young child falling into the gorilla area a few days ago to myself. I have read so many articles, posts, comments and blogs on the story that I now can't hold in my unsolicited opinion any longer.
What has amazed me the most is how many people are saying what a bad mom this mom is for not watching her child better. For argument sake let's say 1/4 (this is really low balling how many I truly think) of those people don't have kids- so what they say really has no relevance in this matter If you don't have any idea of what it is like to parent a toddler you really shouldn't have an opinion. It would be like me telling a runway model what they did wrong. Pointless.
There are variations of what the mom was doing- taking pictures- watching her other kids-whatever-her eyes were not on her child. GASP! So this means the other 3/4 of these judging people have their children in their eye sight at all times. Seriously, these people have never sneezed, took a picture, had their attention diverted from one child to another, never ever had a distraction during their time as parents?
We have no idea how quick this boy can get away from his mom-some are smooth movers and get out of reach very fast. Haven't these judging people had their child run quickly away? Surely they have stories of their own kids, climbing stairs before they realized, picking up a knife or scissors that they thought was put away, climbing a bookshelf, on top of the chair, out of their crib, coloring on the wall, on and on and on. No, their child didn't go to play with a gorilla (count your blessings instead doling out judgments)
I have read many parents say if I am taking pictures my child is in the picture. That is a great way to keep on eye on your kids! I never thought of that before- I would take some of the animals by themselves. Shame on me. Now, I am counting my blessings neither of my girls wanted to be one with the animals.
I have read people say nothing would stop them from going in the area to get their child. Ok. I would jump in front of a car , go into a fire,etc for my kids and grand kids. I would want to climb into the area as well. But I am not built in a way that my body could go through the opening a small child could get through. Have you seen the mom? She isn't a Tinkerbell size,either. Not many parents are. Maybe she wanted to do just that-can you imagine the anguish she was feeling not being able to physically go and get her child? No one knows what she is thinking yet so many want to judge her for yelling down to her kid trying to comfort the only way she could.
Could the mom have done a better job in that moment? Maybe. Let me count the ways I could have done better in a moment as well........
As far as all the animal "experts" out there-well unless they are truly a highly trained expert those opinions matter not. There is no way you can know if he was protecting or going in for a kill. I do know that in the 80s, overseas, a little boy fell into a gorilla area and one gorilla did protect that boy by guarding him from the other gorillas. GUARDED him. He even put his hand on the boys back in a protective manner. When the boy started crying and screaming he ran off. There was no dragging of the boy,cornering the boy or isolating him. Sure sounds different from what we all saw in the recent video.
I have seen comments about how dare they kill Harambe, an endangered species now MORE endangered! Well, not quite true. They have his sperm. They will make a baby gorilla and the world will ohh and ahhh over it when it is born. The experts handled it in the best way possible, even though they were going to have to kill a beloved animal, to save a small child. Human vs animal. Simple.The heartbreak the employees of the zoo must feel is terrible. They lost someone they loved. Very sad day for them.
Do I judge others at times? Sure- I am human. I don't hate on others when I do judge. I reel myself in and realize my mistake of judging (most of the time). The mom is just a human as well. One that will hug her son tighter and make better choices in the future, hopefully.
I believe things happen in life to wake us up. God needs to get our attention and thump us on the head. Maybe this was one of those moments without drastic consequences. I hope so for the little boy's sake.
I hope maybe it is a lesson for all the "super parents" out there when their time comes to have a "moment" because, obviously, they haven't had one yet.
What has amazed me the most is how many people are saying what a bad mom this mom is for not watching her child better. For argument sake let's say 1/4 (this is really low balling how many I truly think) of those people don't have kids- so what they say really has no relevance in this matter If you don't have any idea of what it is like to parent a toddler you really shouldn't have an opinion. It would be like me telling a runway model what they did wrong. Pointless.
There are variations of what the mom was doing- taking pictures- watching her other kids-whatever-her eyes were not on her child. GASP! So this means the other 3/4 of these judging people have their children in their eye sight at all times. Seriously, these people have never sneezed, took a picture, had their attention diverted from one child to another, never ever had a distraction during their time as parents?
We have no idea how quick this boy can get away from his mom-some are smooth movers and get out of reach very fast. Haven't these judging people had their child run quickly away? Surely they have stories of their own kids, climbing stairs before they realized, picking up a knife or scissors that they thought was put away, climbing a bookshelf, on top of the chair, out of their crib, coloring on the wall, on and on and on. No, their child didn't go to play with a gorilla (count your blessings instead doling out judgments)
I have read many parents say if I am taking pictures my child is in the picture. That is a great way to keep on eye on your kids! I never thought of that before- I would take some of the animals by themselves. Shame on me. Now, I am counting my blessings neither of my girls wanted to be one with the animals.
I have read people say nothing would stop them from going in the area to get their child. Ok. I would jump in front of a car , go into a fire,etc for my kids and grand kids. I would want to climb into the area as well. But I am not built in a way that my body could go through the opening a small child could get through. Have you seen the mom? She isn't a Tinkerbell size,either. Not many parents are. Maybe she wanted to do just that-can you imagine the anguish she was feeling not being able to physically go and get her child? No one knows what she is thinking yet so many want to judge her for yelling down to her kid trying to comfort the only way she could.
Could the mom have done a better job in that moment? Maybe. Let me count the ways I could have done better in a moment as well........
As far as all the animal "experts" out there-well unless they are truly a highly trained expert those opinions matter not. There is no way you can know if he was protecting or going in for a kill. I do know that in the 80s, overseas, a little boy fell into a gorilla area and one gorilla did protect that boy by guarding him from the other gorillas. GUARDED him. He even put his hand on the boys back in a protective manner. When the boy started crying and screaming he ran off. There was no dragging of the boy,cornering the boy or isolating him. Sure sounds different from what we all saw in the recent video.
I have seen comments about how dare they kill Harambe, an endangered species now MORE endangered! Well, not quite true. They have his sperm. They will make a baby gorilla and the world will ohh and ahhh over it when it is born. The experts handled it in the best way possible, even though they were going to have to kill a beloved animal, to save a small child. Human vs animal. Simple.The heartbreak the employees of the zoo must feel is terrible. They lost someone they loved. Very sad day for them.
Do I judge others at times? Sure- I am human. I don't hate on others when I do judge. I reel myself in and realize my mistake of judging (most of the time). The mom is just a human as well. One that will hug her son tighter and make better choices in the future, hopefully.
I believe things happen in life to wake us up. God needs to get our attention and thump us on the head. Maybe this was one of those moments without drastic consequences. I hope so for the little boy's sake.
I hope maybe it is a lesson for all the "super parents" out there when their time comes to have a "moment" because, obviously, they haven't had one yet.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Thoughts on Being a Parent of an Adult Child.......
Yesterday I was talking with a friend about the relationship between a parent and an adult child. This relationship is truly a balancing act of what I have done since the day they were born to the day my parenting goal has been completed. Now, I am not talking about the relationship with the adult child who still lives at home. That is another set of rules for another day. :) I'm still in the figuring out stage but am learning quicker with Melissa.
For me the parenting goal is to get them raised so they are able to function in the world on their own. Isn't that what every parent wants? We want them out, on their own, handling their lives so we can have our own lives.
Yet the struggle can be real in letting them go to fly on their own.
In this conversation with my friend I shared the moment for me when I had to realize I no longer needed to butt into my adult child's life. She had bought her first home at 29. I suggested she get a credit card for emergencies only. Which was a perfectly logical suggestion but I crossed the line and said "You should let Mike and I hold it so you don't use it for other things". Well, I got the firing squad! Not only from her but from Mike and Melissa as well. That was THE moment for me when I knew I needed to let go.
Our relationship had evolved over time mostly by her doing anyway. Slowly, she learned to say to me "Mom, I got this" or "Mom, that's none of your business". She isn't rude about it but I do believe each time she was able to say it to me, her voice,, and her, grew a little stronger. So over the last few years she was trying to be the adult that I wanted her to be but my response time in catching up to her was a little slow.
Jill and I are friends now. We do things together and we share about our lives with each other. She will want her mom when she is sick or something is wrong. Her mom will always be there. But most of her life is on a need to know basis and she will let me know when I need to know!
After my conversation yesterday with my friend, Jill and I had an open talk about our relationship and how we each have grown. It was nice to acknowledge where we used to be to where we are today.
A few months ago, another friend was telling me all the things she was going to do to help her daughter get settled into her new place, including all the organizational items she bought to make sure she was organized. It drained me. I blurted out loud- " This is nothing against you when I say this-I must be a terrible mom because I could really care less about those things in my daughter's life". I would never think of even trying to do it. I really felt like I was disconnected from my child. I wondered what was wrong with me!
But I have learned since then that we are just in two different points in our cutting of the apron strings. Mine started fraying way before this conversation and she still needed to do some cutting. It isn't that I am a terrible mom or that there was something wrong with our relationship, it is because our relationship had already shifted into the roles of friends and not parent/child. I could care less about my friends closets and that is the category Jill is in
Adult children will make mistakes, they will have triumphs and failures. They are not ours and are no reflection of us as their parents. We have our own triumphs and failures. They deserve theirs. We have no right to them.
Obviously, if there was something detrimental going on with one of them or my grandchildren I would intervene.
But I TRUST my children- I trust/taught them to enjoy their successes. I trust/taught them to let me know when they need me, I trust/taught them to fix their own mistakes,
So, while I was still trying to catch up, Jill was already laying the ground work. It isn't just the parent that needs to change, the adult child needs to as well. They need to be able to say "I got this" and one day, eventually, we realized they do have it.
Let your adult child come to you when they want to share. Let them live their life the way they want to and above all just be there when they ask you to be.
If you are an adult child it may be time for you to start fraying the strings a bit if your parent(s) are too involved in your life. You can do it without causing resentment or distance. After all, you are an adult and your parents raised you up. Let them have the gift of not having to do so any more.
My parenting in the flesh is over. I can parent in the spirit. I can pray that God will do what I can not do. Which is a wonderful thing because I truly want to live my life and not my children's lives. I have done that long enough. ;-) They wouldn't have it any other way.
For me the parenting goal is to get them raised so they are able to function in the world on their own. Isn't that what every parent wants? We want them out, on their own, handling their lives so we can have our own lives.
Yet the struggle can be real in letting them go to fly on their own.
In this conversation with my friend I shared the moment for me when I had to realize I no longer needed to butt into my adult child's life. She had bought her first home at 29. I suggested she get a credit card for emergencies only. Which was a perfectly logical suggestion but I crossed the line and said "You should let Mike and I hold it so you don't use it for other things". Well, I got the firing squad! Not only from her but from Mike and Melissa as well. That was THE moment for me when I knew I needed to let go.
Our relationship had evolved over time mostly by her doing anyway. Slowly, she learned to say to me "Mom, I got this" or "Mom, that's none of your business". She isn't rude about it but I do believe each time she was able to say it to me, her voice,, and her, grew a little stronger. So over the last few years she was trying to be the adult that I wanted her to be but my response time in catching up to her was a little slow.
Jill and I are friends now. We do things together and we share about our lives with each other. She will want her mom when she is sick or something is wrong. Her mom will always be there. But most of her life is on a need to know basis and she will let me know when I need to know!
After my conversation yesterday with my friend, Jill and I had an open talk about our relationship and how we each have grown. It was nice to acknowledge where we used to be to where we are today.
A few months ago, another friend was telling me all the things she was going to do to help her daughter get settled into her new place, including all the organizational items she bought to make sure she was organized. It drained me. I blurted out loud- " This is nothing against you when I say this-I must be a terrible mom because I could really care less about those things in my daughter's life". I would never think of even trying to do it. I really felt like I was disconnected from my child. I wondered what was wrong with me!
But I have learned since then that we are just in two different points in our cutting of the apron strings. Mine started fraying way before this conversation and she still needed to do some cutting. It isn't that I am a terrible mom or that there was something wrong with our relationship, it is because our relationship had already shifted into the roles of friends and not parent/child. I could care less about my friends closets and that is the category Jill is in
Adult children will make mistakes, they will have triumphs and failures. They are not ours and are no reflection of us as their parents. We have our own triumphs and failures. They deserve theirs. We have no right to them.
Obviously, if there was something detrimental going on with one of them or my grandchildren I would intervene.
But I TRUST my children- I trust/taught them to enjoy their successes. I trust/taught them to let me know when they need me, I trust/taught them to fix their own mistakes,
So, while I was still trying to catch up, Jill was already laying the ground work. It isn't just the parent that needs to change, the adult child needs to as well. They need to be able to say "I got this" and one day, eventually, we realized they do have it.
Let your adult child come to you when they want to share. Let them live their life the way they want to and above all just be there when they ask you to be.
If you are an adult child it may be time for you to start fraying the strings a bit if your parent(s) are too involved in your life. You can do it without causing resentment or distance. After all, you are an adult and your parents raised you up. Let them have the gift of not having to do so any more.
My parenting in the flesh is over. I can parent in the spirit. I can pray that God will do what I can not do. Which is a wonderful thing because I truly want to live my life and not my children's lives. I have done that long enough. ;-) They wouldn't have it any other way.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Fifty Schmifty.......
Most of you don't know that I absolutely dreaded...DREADED...turning 50. I mean it was an actual fear and panic feeling. I knew it was irrational but I couldn't move passed it.
I know it might stem from Scott dying when he was 50 and that while I am secure for what happens when I die, I don't want to die yet.
I shared this with a friend of mine and she said the best thing anyone could have said to me. She said Yes Scott died but Steve is a few years away from 60 and in spite of his lifestyle he is still alive.
That was a AH HA moment for me. The depression lifted and I decided to embrace it, Had a wonderful birthday!
I decided to find an old friend whose birthday is the day after mine. We lost touch through the years but she was always special to me. I had looked for her over the years and never could find her in the state she had moved. So I decided to put in the state of Maryland with her name(that is where we grew up) Well, she passed away several years ago. Sighhhh..... so I was able to find her sister and had a great talk with her about what happened.
Yesterday I decided to look up another friend who was such a wonderful friend and while we each moved away from VA we stayed in touch for a bit. As life has it tho we lost touch. I google her name and found out she died last year. DOUBLE Sighhhh....
This morning I called a friend of mine to let her know about our friend passing and we had a great conversation even though we hadn't talked in years(other then Facebook). It was nice to catch up and she always makes me smile.
I am feeling better about 50. Life feels good right now and I am enjoying it. One day I will die. I have no clue how,where or when. None of us do. But if I waste my 50's worrying about it all the time then what is the point of being in my 50's? Life is meant to live not meant to worry about when it ends.
Friends come in and out of our lives for a season. We enjoy them during that time and sometimes we depart ways for no reason...just life. The friends I have now are such a great group of friends. Enjoying our 50's together is going to be the best thing because I got to enjoy most of my 40's with them.
The point of this blog? I'm not sure other then to say I am ok for today. I am ok with being 50. I am blessed with family,friends and activities. Life happens. We continue on, things and people change but that is what makes life....well life.
Embrace. Enjoy.Find peace and comfort through my God. Maybe that is the point of this blog. To realize that is how I am going to try to live life. Life to the fullest. I might not be climbing actual mountains or able to travel to see the world but I can share love, compassion, humor with anyone who God puts in my path. Even if it is for a season.
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