Just breathe....

 Reposted from old blog: from December 2019

Today marks the one year anniversary of my lumpectomy surgery. A year ago, all I was facing was this surgery and some radiation.

Boy that was far from the truth.

A year ago I hadn't been able to catch my breath from my mom passing, my sweet cousin, Judy, passing, my dog having to be put to sleep and the news that I had a half brother I didn't know about. And I still haven't been able to grieve and breathe.

I have been on auto pilot and still am. What happens to me when I am finished with my treatments? Will my grief tumble over me like an ocean wave? Or will I not need to even step into the water? I don't feel like myself prior to diagnosis yet my core is still the same. I already feel kind of lost. 

People think it is all over when you are finished. That you can just get back to "normal". But this is the farthest thing from the truth. I will be on pills for 5 years. I am already looking at a CATScan in March. Side effects from chemo still linger. My toes cramp, My big toenails are sensitive, my hair is slowly coming in, I still have 

A Tired But Short Ramble....Like Me!

In the middle of the night the other night, I am looking up stages of breast cancer because,honestly, I couldn't remember if I had stage 2 or 3. (Chemo brain is W E I R D) Like how does someone not remember that tidbit.

I figure it out and it hits me. It was not stage 1 but stage 2B, if I have that figured right. 

I have to let it sink in. 

I look back and realize that for the last 2 years when I was battling exhaustion, body aches, and not feeling normal, odds are it was the cancer and not the diagnosis I received of incomplete lupus. This is just my guess, of course. But the cancer was there being sneaky and growing.

How could I have not gone for a mammogram in 2018? Ugh, don't miss yours!

Anyway, here I am- a warrior doing my thing and getting through it all. 

Mentally, I am probably where the rest of you are with life right now- over it! I am jealous of people who can go live their lives without a care, honestly. I wonder when the day will come that I can do that and it sure doesn't feel like it'll be in 2020. Sighhh

Mentally, I also have had to come to terms with certain family and friends that have not even reached out to me just to check on me. Or to tell me they are thinking of me. Not once. These are relationships that I need to exam when I have the energy to do so. One family member, supposedly, wants to heal our relationship from years prior and yet can't even send a text?  It is interesting to me that this is a common occurrence with people going through cancer. Some have their spouse or best friend just disappear! I just can't comprehend it.

I am so super grateful for my friends and family who have been there to cheer me on and support me when I can't stand alone.

I have days where I am ok mentally and physically and other days I am so exhausted that I spend more time in bed than out.

I am a big proponent of therapy but right now, I can't go into an office to visit a therapist so all of you get to be it. Yay for you!!😆

I haven't figured out what my purpose will be when this is over. But there is one!

I don't have anything else to ramble on about, sorry if this is the same old same old.

Maybe the next blog post, life will have something different for me to share! 😆

All I have is time on my hands....

My mom would look at her watch a lot. When I say a lot I mean A LOT, like every 6 to 15 minutes. I always wondered  what she is thinking when she does that- I wanted to say to her, hasn't enough time gone by in your life that you don't need to keep watching it go by? I think she just had such a schedule and never wanted to be late anywhere that she was always checking. By doing that though, she was missing out on the present because she was always worried about what is coming up. I think many of us do that but we don't look at our watch constantly. How many times do you look at the clock while at work just in hopes that time has flown by so quitting time is close? What about the old saying-can't wait til the weekend! Why can't you wait? You never know what God has in store for you in between Wednesday and Friday! You may face a terrible trial on Saturday that you wish you could have turned back the clock to Tuesday! We are always rushing through life but it isn't rushing through life to get to our final destination-it is rushing towards whatever we think will be better then what we are going through at that moment. Sure, it is nice to have something to look forward to-like the weekend off or an upcoming event- but don't miss the opportunities prior to that in which you might be a blessing to someone. God might put someone in your life that you are meant to witness to or meant to even just give them a smile and friendly "Hello". God wants us to take our time, enjoy everything He has given us on earth to enjoy, so many things to look at,smell,taste and hear. So I hope the next time you are rushing through your week you will slow down and really take a good look at what you might be missing!
Here are some scriptures I found regarding time:
Ecc 3:1-8
1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
COL 4:5
5 Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity

Open Letter To My Husband

Honey, I am not sure there are enough words to express my gratitude towards you for these last several weeks.

Before I do, and before people who know you think I’m putting you on a pedestal, I have to acknowledge that you can still drive me crazy with your right fighting, strong opinions and road rage. Just like I can drive you crazy with my many many flaws.❤️

But enough of that.

Unfortunately, there have been a few tragic events in my life the last several years that you have already proven to me that you are my rock. You never waiver from being there for me.

But. This. This cancer diagnosis, surgery and all that has come with it is.... well, it’s a lot. Like a lot lot.

 It’s the sickness and in health part of our vows.

You have had to stretch yourself and get out of your comfort zone for all of it.

You have made sure all of my needs and wants have been taken care of and you do it with humor and grace. Anyone who cares about me, should be thankful that I have you as my husband. You have not let me down one time during all of this mess. You have let me cry, yell, have crazy thoughts, and laugh.

This has been a humbling and humiliating experience. Just to be 100% exposed to you and my entire medical team. Time and time again.

And it isn’t over yet.

We have even a harder battle ahead. It’s one I so wish I could, we could, avoid. But we can’t. So we march forward in this weird turn of events and we will get through it all.


And we will be stronger together.

Obviously, we have had friends, family and even strangers help pitch in and without them this would have been even harder on you. We are so blessed between them and your work, it makes me sad for those going along this same journey who don’t have all of this support.

No matter what lays ahead, I am truly blessed to have you by my side every step of the way.

I love you still. And forever.

💗💗💗💗


P.S. When these hormone blocking pills make me a raging maniac, please don’t take anything personal and show me this letter to you. 5 years and counting.😝😂

Just a ramble....

We had family here for Thanksgiving week  and I was able, for the most part, to forget about my cancer diagnosis.
Then Tuesday came. I got a call to remind me of my radiation oncologist appointment, my breast surgeon called to discuss more pathology reports to tell me what the tumor board discussed and ask how I was on processing everything, American Cancer Society sent me some brochures. And just like that- back to reality.

I’m scared and I want this all to go away.

I want someone else to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and no one can but me.

I’m thankful it’s not worse.

I’m thankful for my team of doctors.

I hear words like oncologist and tumor board and my heart breaks all over again for what my cousin, Judy, went through. How scared and overwhelmed she must have been in the beginning. How I wish she was here now. I miss her so much. She faced a much worse cancer than I am dealing with and I feel humbled by her all over again.
I’m mad at myself for not being there more for Judy, for not giving her an opportunity to let her guard down and be more vulnerable with me.

I’m angry that I have 5 years of the unknown. Of the side effects that will occur from the treatments that lay ahead.

Tomorrow is the radiation oncologist appointment and I’ll know then if my decision will be made for me because I can’t have radiation or if I can then I do believe I know the route I’ll go.

I guess I’m just feeling angry.
Sad.
Grateful.
Overwhelmed.
Scared.

I’m a hot mess and that’s ok.

What a lumpy bumpy year.....

I am really not trying to sound whiny, however it has been a year for me....
I am going to put my year in review for you to understand:
January- It started out for the year to be so promising. We had booked a cruise with Jill, Chris and the kids for our first family vacation together, along with my mother in law. I had not been feeling well with flu like aches and pains and overwhelming tiredness so a vacation with some of my favorite people and warm weather sounded wonderful.
While I was not fully feeling like myself and could have participated more, I still had a wonderful time. This was about the time mom started sharing some very strange behaviors and decline in her health.
February- finally got the diagnosis of incomplete lupus (meaning no butterfly rash on face) and treatment plan started. Mom declines further.
March- anniversary of my brother's passing beginning of the month and on 24th mom passes away. I took the final step to end the relationship with my oldest brother because he is toxic for me.
April- a friend of mine for 15 years had decided to end our friendship.
May- We had mom's memorial service. My cousin,Judy, was suppose to be able to go and had to cancel because her cancer was back.
June- while on another wonderful vacation, I get the call I never wanted to hear. Judy has been given 2 weeks to live. I go up to MD to say my good byes.
July- Judy passes away and I go up for her memorial. This was so tough.
August- we had to put Ginger, our dog down. She was 16 and we had her for 15 years. This was so much harder than either one of us expected. Yet it was the right thing to do for her.
September- It was our 20th wedding anniversary. A few days before that, we had a huge fight and honestly, it could have gone really bad if either of us had chosen in that moment to throw in the towel. We had pushed each other to the limits. I am so thankful, that we chose and have always chosen to breath and talk it out. Love is easy. Marriage is work. It was a bump in the road that we were able to maneuver over.

I prayed  to God- Can the rest of the year hold nothing major, please?
Satan says " Here. Hold my beer."

Last day in September, I receive a text from my niece, Ericka. She has received her DNA test results from 23andme and there is a guy showing up who is closely related to her (first cousin). So she wanted to know my thoughts. I am looking over the information and we start thinking of how he is related. She decides to reach out to him and start exchanging information.
October-He revealed to her, his mom had told him when he was 11 his dad was not his dad. Later she denied it. ( She was drunk at the time.) He asked Ericka if she had an uncle who was in the DC area around 1970? Well, Scott would have been 8 so that rules him out. My Uncle Don was in town visiting Thanksgiving in 1969 so if he happened to go out without his kids and had an one night stand and this guy was born in a certain time frame in 1970, then that would fit. Or there is one other possible answer....
My mom was a very active alcoholic until December 1975. During the years prior to that, she would rant about dad having affairs when she was drunk. So us kids just always figured it was true. If that was the case, than this guy could be my half brother.

So I immediately order the kit.

Results came back roughly 2 weeks later and sure enough he is my half brother. We connect and start sharing information. At first, it was harder on him than on me. Yes, we both had a seed placed in our minds early in our childhoods. But his parents are still alive, so for him, he has to not only deal with the hews that his dad isn't his dad but how to handle who and when he tells this news.
For me, it kinda cool. After all, Scott is gone and I don't have a relationship with Steve.
Like Ericka said, we are this loving, eclectic family who is like- "Another one to love! Come- let us hug you!!" And he is like Whoa!!!
The last few weeks have been kind of tough. He was able to speak to his mom (his parents are divorced) and she realized she was faced with having to own up the truth. As it turned out, she was my dad's secretary when he worked for Dept of Justice and they had an ongoing affair for 5 years. It also has come to light that my dad knew about this child. He even met him one time when Darrell was in high school. And she had reached out to my dad in 1993 when Darrell was diagnosed with diabetes to see if it ran in the family.

Wow.

That was tough to hear.

For a few reasons, one is for all the obvious reasons, another is, you see, mom was so flawed in our eyes growing up that she was given a lot of crap from us kids, even as adults, she was the "lesser" of the parents. We had placed my dad on a pedestal and he never got any flack from us. Not when he also was drinking when we were younger, not for having affairs on mom, not for anything.
The final reason for me is personal.
Short version- When I got pregnant with Jill, I was 20. her dad was not a good person and my dad couldn't stand him and was mad that I got pregnant by him. So he basically disowned me and I had no place to live and ended up in a homeless shelter.

How hypocritical of him.

I have been going through every emotion that you can imagine. The final result is that I can't change anything. Oh how, I would love to have an open conversation with him, but I can't. He took this secret with him when he died and of his choosing. Scott had even asked him when they were alone if there was anything he needed to know about-any siblings that might come out of the woodwork.
Was it to protect us or himself? I think he chose to protect us (including my half brother) all of these years, which is one reason why he never left mom. And I do know that he truly loved her.

 Was he a hypocrite? Yes. He should never have put me through what I went through. Was he there in the end of it all? Yes and in a big time way. Did he have reason to be so frustrated with me? Absolutely. It was the moment in my life that defined what I was going to do for myself and my child for the rest of my life.

It was my bottom.

And it has been nothing up since!

I had a day of feeling so guilty towards mom. I wish I had acknowledge to her how hard it was for her at times during her marriage. As a mom and wife, it breaks my heart. I wish I had not had so many years of resentment towards her. But there were many layers to our relationship and many reasons for those resentments. In the end, I know 100% our relationship healed, I did everything for her to make her life here in TN good. She was safe from my brother and she was well taken care of and she felt the love from all of us here. She knew. She said many times that I took good care of her. She felt loved in the end and that is what I need to remember.
As far as my half brother goes, we are taking things slow. I accept him as my brother because he is my brother. Growing up together or not, doesn't change that fact. I feel like it would be disrespectful to him and my dad to say otherwise. Will we have a relationship? I don't know. I would like to think we could meet one day. He has a son so I have a nephew I would like to meet. However, this is water that none of us have tread before. He is choosing not to tell his dad or sisters until both parents have passed. So it is more difficult for him in the every day life than for me.

The timing is not lost on me,.either. If I had known when mom was alive, while I would not have told her, I would have been burdened with guilt.

Roughly the last weekend of October, I had a twinge in my right breast. I took my hand to make it stop and felt a lump. It took me a day or 2 to say something to Mike because I had to make sure I wasn't being melodramatic or anything. Yup, it is a lump. On Halloween, I go to my Dr and she felt it. They set me up for a diagnostic mammogram.
November- The morning of my mammogram, I  did a group text with 3 of my friends. We will contact each other if we have a prayer request. I ask- Anyone ever have a lump? YES.
While checking in for test, the gal lets me know if something shows up concerning, they will do an ultrasound.
So, while waiting, I text them again " Anyone have an ultrasound done after mammogram?" All 3 say YES.
Ok, so far so good.
Mammogram showed not one, but 2 lumps. Ultrasound done and radiologist says I need to have biopsy done.
Sent another text to my friends " Anyone have to get a biopsy?"
NO
Now, I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My lumps are under an inch, one is exactly one inch in size for part of it. Being under an inch is important because if it is cancer, it is concerned early. At least what Dr Google as told me. ;-/

Both have jagged edges and not smooth.
Both are not fluid filled.
Both are in the upper right quadrant which is where 50% of cancer is found.

Last Wednesday, I had my biopsies done.

Today I got the call.

It’s cancer in both lumps.

I have said from the beginning that God has got this and in true form- it so happens there is an opening tomorrow morning for me to see a breast specialist!
We don’t know the stage or type yet. Hoping to have those answers along with a plan of treatment.


Then it will be my turn to say Satan- Here. Hold my beer. My God and I got this.

NOW CHECK THIS OUT—-
January- I had a wonderful first cruise with my daughter, son in law and grandkids!
February- FINALLY got an answer to health issue plaguing me for a very long time.
March- mom’s suffering ends and it was a spirit filled peaceful death.
April- A toxic friendship needed to end.
May- first time to the gulf shores surrounded by family (some who I haven’t seen in awhile) in a wonderful tribute to mom, dad and Scott.
June- wonderful vacation with family and I was fortunate to see Judy and tell her how much I love her.
July- Nothing wonderful about this month. It was hard. Seeing family was wonderful- circumstances weren’t.
August- Ginger lived a long and spoiled life!
September- it was my birthday and anniversary celebrations! Plus, we saw Mike’s brother get married at one of the best weddings we have been to!
October- I gained a brother!!🎉
November- We are having over 20 people here for our biggest Thanksgiving ever!!!!!
December- it’s a month full of family birthdays and Christmas!!
What a year to be alive!❤️ I’m surrounded by family and friends who are showing me so much love and support.

My mom aka lilpip

Over the last 5 years I have shared many stories with all of you (on Facebook)  about my mom. We nicknamed her Pip because my mother in law uses that word to describe people who are a character. So the hashtags have been #lilpip or #mypip
So many of you have told me how much you love her stories, her shenanigans and my humor while going on her journey through Parkinson’s and dementia.
This adventure has been healing, fun, rewarding, frustrating, heartbreaking and life consuming. Bittersweet rolled into one big ball.
We are entering a new stage in our pip’s life. Over the last couple of months her dementia slowly has declined and she started having some involuntary head movements. She is doing PT to try to get strength back into her legs and she is stronger during the first part of the day. She is also more clear headed the first part of the day.
Over the last few weeks her involuntary movements have increased to her head rolling back, side to side, eyes rolling around and she arches her back over and over. She is missing her mouth when she eats, with food getting all over her and everywhere else. Her dignity is gone and for someone who always had to look impeccable before leaving the house, this is hard to watch.
We knew before leaving on our cruise that memory care was in her future. When we got home it became apparent that we were not going to be able to afford to move her into the memory care side of where she currently lives. They tried to help us with a reduction of price but she just couldn’t afford it. We have found  a new place for her to move into and it is a brand new facility.  It will also save me about 40 minutes of driving time round trip!
Mike and I went yesterday to talk to her about it and she was very agreeable. I’m not sure if she will remember we told her so I’ll have to reinforce it to her every few days. Mike was shocked at the decline that has happened since he hasn’t been there in a couple of weeks.  I have chosen not to tell her it is memory care and if I have to deal with that at a later time than I will.
This is the harsh side of Parkinson’s. It’s sad. It’s heart breaking to watch. There is a theory that she may have suffered a minor stroke that got overlooked but no proof of it.
I just want to say I appreciate all of you for letting me know how much you love her and the stories of her antics!
Humor has gotten me through but there may not be as  many humorous stories to share. You all know me and I am ALWAYS looking for the humor and silver lining in every situation.
I want to start blogging about this life adventure in the hopes that someday someone will be going through this type of journey and know they are not alone. So my stories here on out may not always be upbeat. But I’ve promised not to lose my humor so I’m sure I’ll be giving you some giggles along the way.
I have said all along mom is like a cat and has 9 lives! Gosh, remember when she had pneumonia and the facility didn’t send the DNR over to the ER and they intubated her in error?? She was in ICU and we really thought she was gone. How many times have I asked for prayers as she was heading to the ER?
She is  one tough cookie and this is just another bump in the road of #lilpip’s life.❤️